37 – Only Skin Deep

I used to enjoy sunbathing, actually I still would enjoy it if it weren't so harmful. I'm usually a very cold person, cold hands, cold feet, cold nose, cold body. The sun feels wonderful as it warms my skin. It's so relaxing to lay on my lounge chair, with a magazine and warm myself up and feel a nice spring breeze while hiding imperfections with a tan.

But after seeing my grandmother have big slices of cancerous skin removed from her face more than a few times, I have to think twice about how wonderful sun bathing really is. Not only my grandmother was a victim of cancer, but my grandfather, uncle, and my other grandmother as well, (she died of breast cancer).

I wanted to make myself believe that it would never happen to me. I ignored the risk, I ignored what others were going through, because I wanted to still be able to enjoy sunbathing and getting a tan. I would lie to myself, believing “It won't happen to me, because my skin isn't 'that' fair, I still tan easily, and I'm 'safe' about sunbathing, I don't overdue it”. So many excuses I'd come up with, 'just this last time, this last year of sunbathing, I'll stop next year”.

After ignoring the warning signs (for years) of seeing my family members suffer with cancer, reading about it, and seeing my own skin change, I finally came to my senses. Is it really that important to feel warm for a few minutes a day and to have skin that looks pretty when I'm putting myself at such a risk?

I read recently on a skin cancer site about having your 'sun cup filled'. Each person has a limit of the amount of sun exposure before major damage is done. I've been thinking about this as I see more mole sunscreen stick so I can re apply to extra sensitive spots every few hours. It's been years since I've had an all over skin check, and I finally got the courage to make an appointment to check it again.

I was so afraid to make the appointment, I had waited till my fear of cancer exceeded my fear of the Dr. visit! But I'm glad I finally went, because I knew deep down that it is necessary, as I have already had a biopsy on a mole that turned out to be pre-cancerous. And that was more than twelve years ago.

Let me tell you, having someone I have never met closely scan my entire body as I lay in only an open gown (mostly naked) in some cold Dr.'s office is not my cup of tea. I'm talking they looked EVERYWHERE!

Yeah, no big deal compared to cancer. So I had this 'stranger' cut out six moles which are now on their way to the lab for biopsy. I sit here with itchy, painful holes all over my body, as I wait for the results. If a mole turns out to be pre-cancerous, I will have to return to the Dr. to get more skin cut out, just to make sure every damaged cell is removed. Last time I had this done, I saw what they removed. It was a square inch of skin and fat tissue, a rubbery thing, from my breast. I was so devastated that I had such a chunk excised that I cried! I didn't expect to feel that way, but I wanted my body part back!

So yes, I allowed fear and ignorance to keep me from taking care of myself. I feared the same situation happening again that happened before, and avoided any chance of realizing that fear by I ignoring the possibility that I may get cancer from sunbathing so that I could stay in my happy, non-consequential bubble of soaking up the sun while achieving beautiful tanned skin. Because skin cancer 'will never happen to me!'

Self forgiveness and self corrective statements to come on fear, ignorance, judgment of beauty, and desire to impress.