35 – Avoiding conversation that may lead to confrontation

While at a birthday party, I noticed myself avoiding conversing with people when certain topics came up the I do not agree with. I know these people have a belief system that they are unwilling to give up, so I find it easier to just avoid any conversation that I think they will disagree with. I fear confrontation, mostly my own reaction such as not knowing what to say and getting flustered in the face, and upset. When I'm in confrontation with someone I am usually nervous, or angry. I have been allowing myself to react to what another person says and how another person speaks and looks at me.

I feel as if I have no control over my reactions. I remember when I was a child, when I would get in confrontation with other kids I would immediately cry, and I really hated that. They would make fun of me for crying and I felt as though I had no control over it. So now I fear not being able to control my reaction still, as an adult, even though it isn't crying. So I am fearing myself.

I think this fear of confrontation began as a child when my parents would freak out, yell at me, and spank me when I did something wrong. I have this fear engrained in my mind that I will be judged as bad or hurt if I do or say something someone else doesn't agree with. When I got in trouble with my parents, much of the time I had no idea I was doing anything wrong in the first place. I used to think “Why do they yell at me, do really think I did this on purpose? They really don't know me.” I felt insecure about my parents loving me one minute and hating me as soon as I made a mistake. Now when I look back on my childhood, I realize that they were going through a really rough time, and were constantly stressed. So when anything went wrong, they exploded.

I want to release this pattern of fear and avoidance I go into when I am in confrontation. I want to be able to stand up within myself and speak who I am in confidence. I feel like I am giving my power to anyone I am afraid to speak with, I am feeling inferior as I avoid confrontation. Is this because I desire to feel superior?

Ultimately I would like to be neither inferior or superior, but equal. I want to feel I can be comfortable talking to people who have belief systems. It is so much easier talking with other “destonians” as they/we, do not have a belief system to disagree with, and we know to not place blame on anyone else for our thoughts feelings, emotions and actions, but instead we are taking responsibility for ourselves to end all these mind wars and live as equals. Since I still have to interact with all kinds of people with all kinds of belief systems that are easily offended. I can not hide. So I take responsibility for my fear and my reactions to others when in confrontation. I begin with realizing what I have been accepting and allowing and programmed to believe through using the tools of self forgiveness, and moving forward with self-corrective application.

Sf to come