33- self realizations at a birthday party

Yesterday my family and I visited my brother to celebrate his son's 9^th birthday. A few points of self realization came up. First, my nephew very rarely shows appreciation for the gifts we give him. He tears through one to get to the other without one “thank you”. He doesn't even check to see who the gift is from. So every time we give him a gift, he has no idea that we gave him something, and if he does, he seems to not care that we give him anything. I know he is still a child, but I feel like he is old enough to realize that it is a nice gesture to give someone a gift and we should thank the person to show our appreciation.

I used to put a whole lot of thought into what to give him, and would spend money and time on creating a pretty presentation of it. Now I realize that he doesn't notice or care that I give him something, almost like he expects it. I allowed myself to feel used by his non-appreciation and expectation of my gifts and now, even though I still give him a gift, I don't put as much thought into it as I 'know' ahead of time that if it is not in his absolute favor he will not care.

So I realize that in this tradition of gift giving, I not only want to see the recipient 'happy', I want to be a person that 'makes the recipient happy', and I want the recipient to appreciate me. So I take the experience back to myself, as a self-serving tool have the power to make someone happy and to feeling appreciated.

Another point of self realization is I fear confrontation to the extent that I will avoid conversation on certain topics. I am fearing my own reaction to what another person might say to me. I fear I cannot control my emotions, I fear I will be slave to another as I allow them to control my emotions by what they say. So I do not feel I have control, I am still allowing myself to react to another, as if it matters what another thinks about me.

I know that self acceptance can only come from within self. I know not to look outside myself for this, yet I still do not trust myself that I will be able to accept myself enough to not react. Since I do not completely trust myself to not react in certain situations, I am placing the power in others to control my emotions through reaction. Because I do not want to give others my power, I do not involve myself in certain conversations. That is what I feel is my power at this moment, is to avoid any possible confrontation all together.

Self forgiveness and self corrective statements to come.