Day 9 Sirens – a trigger to fear

While I was driving down a four lane divided highway, I notice up ahead on the opposite side flashing lights. As it came closer I heard the sirens and immediately reacted with anxiety. A deep pressure, a tightening in my chest. I realized from the time I saw the flashing lights, I had nothing to worry about. It was on the other side so I didn't have to pull to the shoulder. It wasn't a cop behind me either, pulling me over. But I still had that panic as soon as I heard the sirens, and I had to laugh at myself afterwords!

Funny how the sound of sirens is engrained within me as a trigger to “something bad is going to happen to me”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “something bad is happening to me”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the sound of sirens with the thought “something bad is going to happen to me”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the sound of sirens to exist as a trigger point within me which triggers the thought “something bad is going to happen to me”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought “something bad is going to happen to me” to the emotion of anxiety/panic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in within an emotional experience of anxiety/panic.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an emotional experience of anxiety/panic because I realize that there is nothing to be afraid of.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear something bad will happen to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the sound of sirens to fear itself, and thus I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear my own fear.

When and as I hear sirens, I take a deep breath and bring myself here, out of my mind. I do not allow myself to think “something bad is going to happen to me”, but instead I focus on what IS happening, outside my mind, in real life. I realize that the sound of sirens is only a trigger, so I commit myself to be more prepared by breathing deeply and not allowing myself to go into thought the next time I see flashing lights, and hear the sirens.

Day 8 Feeling more stable

Fatigue weighed me down again yesterday like a heavy blanket. I could barely move, I'd just lie on the sofa, in silence, not sleeping, but not doing anything. I didn't even have the energy to keep my eyes open and watch a tv show. It was how I was before seeing the Dr. This was on a “happy day” too, a day with my family home. I didn't feel depressed, just fatigue. So I'm taking the meds every day now. I feel more stable, more normal, not too hyper, not too tired. I'm able to sleep too. I am adjusting. I just don't want to become dependent in the long term, but I'm not too worried because I've been on antidepressants before and was able to get off them with no problems.

I know it's my mind that brought me over the edge and caused this. My body is already under constant stress, fighting a chronic disease, and the seclusion I was in, the fear and sadness I allowed in my mind topped it off. The writing and self forgiveness I did without support in my journal, wasn't enough. My adrenals couldn't handle the overload. I believe writing, self-forgiving, finding, trusting and loving myself through discipline will be my ultimate savior, but feel I have to take care of this chronic fatigue, stress, anxiety and depression now. So my life at this time will include me being on meds. Along with writing on the forum.

Day 7 – update on meds, migraines, fatigue, anxiety

I've read up on adrenal fatigue (which causes chronic fatigue syndrome), and think that makes the most sense of what is going on with me, along with the depression and anxiety in my blood line. Last year was an extremely stressful year. I allowed this “friend” to pressure me into going out for my birthday and drink, even though I hadn't been drinking, I was in healthy living habits. “Friend” decided she didn't want to leave with me when I wanted to leave. I got pulled over for speeding up to catch a green light, got a DUI because I told the cop I had two Ultralight beers when he asked me where I was coming from and if I had anything to drink. (I chose Ultralight because that doesn't mess me up, and I still pleased my “friend” by not being a “party pooper”.) Cops lied on my sobriety test, said I was dancing. (that really pissed me off!) I was sentenced to six months jail and thousands in fines, was allowed two years probation and community service. Lost my ability to drive for more than a year and was in isolation, meaning no one came to visit me, except my mom when she was in town, (she was gone from April till July). I was in constant panic that I was going back to jail for six months. And in panic that I was going to get in a wreck because my husband drives dangerously. My dog got cancer, I tried my best to save him, but couldn't. He lasted about three months and then he died in my arms after suffering in pain, crying all night. After I couldn't handle the lies and manipulating behavior, I had to end the relationship with “friend”, which caused her to harass me. My grandmother died, and I felt like I still needed to bond with her, gain her approval. I had stress overload. And that causes the adrenal glands to wear out and malfunction.

So all of a sudden, like a switch went off, in early September this year, I became extremely weak and fatigued, and slept sixteen hours per day. I had quit drinking alcohol and smoking weed, I was taking great care of myself, eating very healthy, as I have for more than fifteen years, getting my exercise. But I just had stress overload and “broke down”, I guess.

I have always kept myself exercising three to six days of the week. I mostly wrote in my journal to avoid harassment from my ex “friend” and certain family members who are Desteni “haters”. But writing in my journal isn't quite the same, because I get no support, ant this was a time when I really could use support.

After two months of my weakness, fatigue and excessive sleep, and after taking a pregnant test, that's when I went to see my Dr. and a month after that, is when I tested out the meds. So I've only been on them for about four weeks. I've read it's supposed to benefit most when taken six months, but I am hoping that I can get by with maybe three months. I am thinking that along with writing on the forum, taking the meds, the fact that I no longer worry that I'm going back to jail, and my new ability to get out of the house, I can get ahead of my genetic makeup for anxiety and depression, as I have before.

I am hoping that homeopathy will help with the migraines because I don't want to be on meds long term. I've done homeopathy before without success, (for something other than migraines) and spent a few hundred dollars on tests and the concoctions. What DID help was writing :) I've also tried acupuncture for my sciatica back problem, but that was excruciatingly painful in two spots, (the other places they had the needles were fine). But I will keep searching, and maybe I will end up with that simple brain surgery, just get it over with!

Today was a day back on the meds and I actually feel more normal. I was able to chase after my children at the playground which was great. No thoughts of doom either. (I've written about the things I fear and applied self forgiveness and corrective application, but my anxiety is strong, and I think it'll take me a lot of writing to tackle it). Still no migraines, although I have little flickers of pain in my head just about every day. But I'm so glad they haven't turned into a full-on migraine. Tomorrow is a day off the meds. And I'm not so concerned about the effects, since yesterday, which was off, was fine. I will definitely continue to write, as it has always helped me, even when it was only in my journal. I am not giving up on facing myself, and facing everything that I am allowing myself to react to. I am less afraid of receiving a poor judgment from anyone in my writing so I will continue to write on the forum.

Day 6 – Scripts – every other day

I decided to try an every -other-day approach to taking the meds. The Fluoxetine (which keeps me from getting migraines and anxiety) has a 4day half life, and the Buproprion (which helps me to get out of bed and off the table!) has a twenty hour half life. So I still have a little in my system at all times, but not quite the overload I felt I had before. I really would prefer the lowest dose possible of both that will still keep the migraines from attacking. Fluoxetine alone gets rid of libido, Buproprion along with it helps bring it back to “somewhat normal”. Fluoxetine alone causes me to be too relaxed, Buproprion taken with it evens me out because it is somewhat like a stimulant. Yesterday I was on both, today I'm off. I feel better today with less in my system. No migraines since I started back yesterday, horrible one the day before (which is why I started back).

Marlen had great idea with homeopathy. (Thanks Marlen!) I will still look into anything else available. I travel with my special concoction of organic certified essential oils used for migraine relief and reapply to my wrists and chest every few hours. It smells wonderful, but I don't know how well it works. I'm thinking maybe I should put it on the soles of my feet too?

Still taking Pilates, and I LOVE it! I'm feeling stronger now and having less back flare-ups :).

Also, I've been studying again and I am remembering all the muscles. It is nice to have the knowledge back, I feel higher self esteem because I have proven to myself that I CAN stick with it and learn it again.

Day 5- Scripts – weigh the consequences

I understand what you are talking about with the desire to feel high, happy, energetic. I felt that way when I smoked weed, and drank alcohol. But I quit those habits a while back, and got over the desire to feel high. I was comfortable just being and prefer it, feeling “normal”. But a few months ago, I began to feel extreme fatigue, like I've only felt when I was in the first trimester of pregnancy, shoot, I even took a pregnancy test to see if that is what was causing it. I couldn't even watch my favorite show without passing out within ten minutes, and this was during the day. I have always slept my best on eight or nine hours of sleep per night, well, more like nine, until a few months ago, when the heavy fatigue pushed me down. I slept sixteen hours a day, my limbs felt heavy, and I was constantly having to rest my head on the table if I was sitting, and that was crazy unusual for me. I thought something had to be wrong with me, which is why I saw the Dr., but my tests came out fine, well except for one, that she's not sure about. Plus Dr. is thinking I may have chronic fatigue syndrome (from adrenal fatigue).

I was on the Fluoxetine for three weeks. My anxiety diminished, yet I couldn't stand the side effects, plus it did nothing for my fatigue and excessive sleep. So that is when she prescribed me the Buproprion, because it has less of the side effects I don't want and it wakes me up. I've only been on it for a six days before I quit, so I'm definitely not “used to it”. I want to feel normal. Yes the energy is nice, because now I'm not always lying down or sleeping, I can carry things and actually get stuff done. I like that I can have conversations more freely, that is like an extra perk, but unnecessary for me, because I'm used to being quiet. So there are certain things I enjoy about it, but overall I want to feel like me again. I have to weigh the consequences, because there is no magic pill to make me feel normal.

I've been using an all natural essential oil concoction that is supposed to help with the migraines, but I haven't really had much relief with it. I am a very healthy eater, I love to eat a lot of veggies and fruits and berries all day every day. I believe what we eat and how we take care of our bodies effects the chemical make up in our brains and hormones throughout our bodies. Even with the extreme fatigue, I still drag myself outside to walk and ride my bike. When I had major depression and anxiety as a teenager, I would go on early morning runs, to let out anxiety. I can't quite run as much, since my body breaks down so much more quickly these days and my muscles seam to always be in pain. But I still jog -walk a mile most days of the week, and of course, ride my bike way longer.

Migraines and depression run in my family, on my mom and dad's side, and I didn't get migraines until recently. I thought I was lucky, because I never got headaches yet my parents would get them every week. My dad gets them so bad he spends hours vomiting. I often feel like I have to vomit with a migraine but luckily haven't yet. I never fully understood what a migraine was until recently, and I have to say it's absolutely debilitating. I really don't want to be on Fluoxetine, because I cant stand the side effects, but basically at this point have to chose between that and migraines. I get the migraines two to three times per week. I heard there s new treatment for them, some kind of simple brain surgery. Crazy to call brain surgery simple! I'm actually thinking I might want to do it because I cannot stand to be on meds that are making me feel weird.

It felt so nice to be normal. No drugs, no alcohol, no highs, no lows, no meds. I want to be there again. That is all I want. I will continue on with my writing of course, because I do agree that it is my mind I have to face, but I also believe that some things are genetic, and if I can get past this through writing, it may take me years. In the meantime, I'm searching for help along the way, to keep me living, not sleeping, and certainly not in constant pain and nausea.

Day 4 Scripts – Fluoxetine and Buproprion

Sleep all the time, never enough sleep. Constantly fatigued, so weak. Very quiet, not many words come to mind when in conversations. I'm having too many scary thoughts. My partner drives like a maniac and freaks me out constantly, I'm thinking we are going to wreck. Also thinking I have cancer, or something else wrong, because I just don't feel like my normal self anymore. I keep getting really bad headaches, where I feel sick to my stomach, that over the counter meds don't help. I never used to get headaches before.

I go to the Dr. and get my blood tested. Something is not right and I need to know what it is so I can fix it. Blood test show up normal. But depression and anxiety is in question and it runs in my family, way back in my family. I am diagnosed with migraines and depression and anxiety disorder. I'm not surprised, I've had major depression as a teenager, and I believe I've had minor depression for most of my life since then. I am prescribed Fluoxetine at a low dose of 20mg, and Sumatriptan for relief from migraines, but only as needed. Dr. says Fluoxetine might actually be all I need to keep migraines from attacking.The Sumatriptan is extremely expensive at seventeen dollars per pill, and they only give my nine pills per month, but they work like nothing else.

Anxiety disappears, and I no longer am on edge in my husband's passenger seat. I no longer think I'm dying. An added bonus – my dreams are awesome! I am in total control in my dreams, I can fly, produce magic, become a fairy tale creature, anything I want. My dreams are quite relaxing and enjoyable. Fewer headaches plague me now. But I have lost my libido. Intimacy with my husband is important to me. I still put forth effort, but that's what it is now, effort, instead of desire. I'm still sleepy all the time, and fatigued. I feel so relaxed, which is a relief, but too relaxed, and in a daze. I yawn constantly, and comfortably hold my gaze often as my eyes feel relaxed. My brain feels slow, as it takes me a while to think of what I want to say.

I go back to the Dr. for a follow up on how I'm doing on the Fluoxetine. Because I'm still unmotivated, and fatigued, and because I have lost my libido on this script, Dr. prescribes me Buproprion and instructs me to quit taking the Fluoxetine, with the possibility that I may have to start the Fluoxetine again along with the Buproprion.

Oh my, I'm awake again. I have energy to clean the house, motivation to get things done, and I feel totally awake after only 6 hours of sleep. I speak openly without anxiety about what I want to say. I feel alive again, like I used to feel. So what happened to me to slow me down in the first place? Why did I fall into such a constant slumber? I didn't think I was depressed, not at first, but then I realized that I had no motivation to do things, any thing, and I felt worried all the time about saying the wrong thing. I guess I was exhausted from my mind, I was worn-out, and I just couldn't get up and go anymore.

This drug has me wide awake, and I feel kind of like a child again, free, happy, playful, enjoying life. My libido Is back. But the energy doesn't end. I feel the same upbeat-way constantly. I don't get tired at night and feel the need to rest. Still, out of desire to stay on my schedule, I watch my show at night, and go to bed at my usual time. I am able to fall asleep, surprisingly, but then I wake up four hours later, and after that, I keep waking up every hour. My dreams are crazy, quite energetic, sometimes a little frustrating and disturbing. I don't have much control in them anymore.

I want better sleep, I want to have time to relax at night, and I don't want to depend on a drug. So I stopped. Now I'm going back down again. I'm not quite as low as I was before, but I think that's because I have recently re-gained my freedom to drive. I have a feeling that this excitement will not last very long, because I already feel the lack of motivation. My migraines have returned, just as often as before, about two to three per week. They are debilitating. I feel so sick when I get them. I cannot stand loud noise, bright lights, or strong smells. I cannot read or watch TV when I get them. I cannot even sleep because the pain is so intense.

I am thinking about getting back on the scripts again but at a lower dose if possible. I just want to feel normal again. I want to feel motivated and alive and not in pain. A couple of weeks I will see my Dr. again, and I'll find out if there is anything else I can do.

Day 3 Vanity - face and hair

Same thing happens every time I cut my hair. I love how it looks, put the scissors down, take a shower, style my hair, and.... I hate it. The next day I usually touch up missed pieces, which sometimes makes me feel a little better, and by a couple of weeks of growth I like it again. I have to get my picture taken tomorrow and I don't want to with my hair like this. I look like a dork! It was so much easier when my head was shaved. I didn't have to tame the crazy pieces that make me look like a scary wild woman. I didn't have to fluff up the top sides so I don't look like a cone head. I didn't have to do anything. It was so nice. My head just stayed the same shape, and because there was no way I could do anything to change the shape of my face, I was able to relax and just be me. No worries about changing my appearance. Now my hair has a mind of it's own and influences when I want to face the world and when I want to hide. Stupid hair.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from self acceptance, self love, and beauty by accepting and allowing myself to define my self acceptance, self love, and beauty within having a pretty face and hair.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for self acceptance, self love, and beauty outside of myself, in my appearance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have lost myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am able to find myself, my self acceptance, self love, and self beauty outside myself, in my appearance – instead of realizing and accepting that I am here, always the same, unable to be transformed by outside appearance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am able to find self acceptance, self love, and beauty outside of myself instead of realizing, trusting, and accepting myself through facing myself through writing, self forgiveness, and self discipline.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my desire to be beautiful in my appearance, and ultimately loved, desired and accepted by others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blindly follow my desires, believing that these desires are who I am and that it is in my benefit to now act on my desires – when actually desires are merely sexual energy that was transferred into my mind and that such desires exist to distract me from myself.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to separate myself from everyone and everything that exists.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as equal and one as all as everything that exists.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior to others.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I desire something, that it is because I believe that what I desire can give me something as though that something is not already who I am.

I forgive myself for not accepting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in nagging feelings of 'something's wrong', 'I am not satisfied', 'I am not complete', 'I am not fulfilled' – and to believe such experiences to be real to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to look pretty and ultimately find acceptance from others to be complete, fulfilled, and satisfied with myself and to find acceptance in myself.

When and as I begin to desire something outside myself to feel complete, like my appearance of my face and hair, I stop, I breathe, and do not accept or allow myself the need to be dependent on or to search for something outside of me to define me. Instead I realize that I am here, whole, and complete as I am. I realize that self worth is not to be found from acceptance from others, for that is only in an individuals opinion, as many different opinions abound, and that self acceptance is found within self, within learning to trust and love self. I realize that in desire to be pretty, I am only placing myself in separation from everyone and everything that is here, equal and one, so I breathe through this and remember that I am equal and one with all life no matter what my appearance is or how my appearance is judged.

Be the change you want to see in the world.
http://www.amanda-richert.blogspot.com
http://www.youtube.com/user/AmandaRichert/videos

Day 2 – Me as Mom – socks and shoes

My 6 year old son has been very dependent on me, especially lately. He wants me to put on his socks and shoes for him, although he can do it himself. (he does it when he wants to) I tell him, “No, I will not put your shoes on for you, you can do it, you're a big boy.” He responds with crying and whining. I feel upset that he is trying to control me by these pity tactics. I stand my ground and don't help him, but I do wait for him before going outside, because guilt sneaks in my mind and I don't want to be mean by leaving him alone. I think he knows he can gain control over me somewhat with the pity tactics. After about 15 minutes of whining and complaining about how he can't do it, and me telling him that he has to practice himself for exactly that fact, so he can learn to fix his bunched up sock when he needs to, he finally finishes the great task of putting on his socks and shoes. I told him that he is clinging to me like a bugger clings to a nose. He laughed, and I was grateful he chose to respond with a sense of humor instead of responding with more whining.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to assume that my 6 year old is attempting to control me with pity tactics of crying and whining when I tell him I won't help him put on his socks and shoes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought “my son is attempting to control me with pity tactics of crying and whining when I tell him I won't help him put on his socks and shoes” to an emotional experience of anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the emotional experience of anger. For in this reaction of anger, I am allowing his actions to control me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my reaction of anger on my son instead of taking responsibility for my own allowance in the participation of the emotion of anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “it would be mean for me to go outside before my son when he doesn't want to put on his socks and shoes by himself”.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought, “it would be mean for me to go outside before my son when he doesn't want to put on his socks and shoes by himself” to the emotion of guilt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the emotional experience of guilt.

I know my son needs to learn consequence, and I need to not allow my emotions to control my actions.

When and as I begin to react in an emotional response of anger to the thought of feeling controlled by my son with his pity tactics, and guilt from self judgment of being mean when I think about going out before my son, I stop, I breathe and do not allow myself to participate within these emotions. Instead, I think about what the practical solution would be in the situation and allow natural consequence to teach my son (when safe, of course).

Day 1 -- Starting Over

Day 1

Starting Over

First, I felt like it was too much trouble or it would take too much time to set up a new blog. Then, when I would sit to get started, I'd have trouble coming up with what I want to write about for my first entry of my Journey to Life Blog. My ideas of what to write would either be too personal, (something I would rather share with only my buddy), or no ideas at all! My mind was blank on what to write. So I sat outside in the sun for a few minutes to relax and think. After only about ten minutes warming my skin in the sun, feeling the breeze caress my face, and watching the trees sway, I realized what has been holding me back. It's me! Starting over is consistent hard work. I've given up before and I don't want to face myself in the fact that I am having to start over again.

You see, starting over is in a sense admitting that I have given up or failed and I am afraid that I am only setting myself up for failure again. So this fear has been holding me back, been keeping my mind totally blank of ideas about what to write. I have been here before, with “writer's block”, and each time it was the same issue – I don't want to face myself.

So facing the fact that I gave up before is only one way to look at it, a judgmental way of only seeing one side of the issue. The other side is the fact that I AM starting over, I fell, yes, but I am pulling myself back up again. I am doing this now, without clinging to my self-made fear that I will fail. I am doing this without judgment, but with action. I am starting over and writing in my Journey to Life again.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think “I cannot do this because I have given up before.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought “I cannot do this because I have given up before” to an emotional experience of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear I have a lack of ability to follow through with writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fear that I have a lack of ability to follow through with writing to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure and giving up because I don't want to face myself and take the steps required to achieve self trust.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up the excuse, “It's too much trouble and will take too much time to set up a new blog”, in order to avoid facing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the excuse, “It's too much trouble and will take too much time to set up a new blog”, in order to avoid facing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to refuse to face myself and take the steps required to achieve self trust but instead make excuses in order to delay facing myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the phrase 'starting over' with a negative value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the phrase 'starting over' as 'bad/'negative'/'wrong' within my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the phrase 'starting over' with giving up on myself and failing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the phrase 'starting over' as giving up on myself and failing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the phrase 'Starting Over' through defining the phrase 'Starting Over' as giving up on myself and failing, to be in separation of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the phrase 'starting over' to hard, consistent work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the phrase 'starting over' within hard, consistent work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the phrase 'starting over' and hard, consistent work through defining the phrase 'starting over' and hard, consistent work in separation of myself.

When and as I procrastinate from writing out of fear of facing myself and fear of giving up, I stop my thoughts holding judgments of incapability, I breathe, and I apply myself practically in writing, I do the work, and learn to regain trust within myself again.