21 de-clutter objects, de-clutter mind, Anger self forgiveness and self corrective statement

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe that anger exists.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to define myself according to anger as what I am.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to participate in anger.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to participate with anger.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to react with anger.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to react in anger.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert anger to another instead of realizing that this anger within me – has been manifested by myself through participation of thoughts.

I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted anger within me.

I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted myself to react with anger and in anger.

I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted anger within another and thus validated the existence of anger within me.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be angry at and with the pharmaceutical companies.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert this anger within me toward the pharmaceutical companies.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be angry at and with the money system.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert this anger within me toward the money system of this world.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be angry with me.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert this anger within me towards myself – instead of using this anger to stand up and say: 'Till here no further' and stop the mind.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that exerting anger to someone or something separate from me is a statement of blame – instead of me taking self – responsibility for me in applying self-forgiveness for allowing and accepting anger within me through the participation in thoughts and thus me standing up as me for me as who I am.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that anger exist within me because I am not allowing myself to take self-responsibility for me in living self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert my anger towards 'greedy pharmaceutical companies' through blame – instead of realizing that it is the systems – the mind – as them accepting and allowing this – the very same mind system that I have accepted and allowed within me. NO MORE! I stand up as who I am – I no longer accept and allow the mind of systems to direct me, to control me or to dis-empower me. And this I no longer accept and allow the mind systems in this world as selfishness and greed.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be angry within and at this existence.

I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted myself to exert my anger towards this existence instead if realizing that the very something or someone I am angry with and at, to which I exert my anger – I am responsible for – and the exertion of anger is but a statement of blame and that I am not willing to take responsibility for what I've accepted and allowed within myself tan thus within this existence.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that being angry with and at and exerting my anger towards and to something or someone separate from me; gets me nowhere – but left with even more frustration, anger and resentment – instead of me realizing that I must stand up within and as myself as who I am and to not accept or allow anything less than who I am.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that being angry with and at and exerting my anger towards and to something or someone separate from me; I am giving that very something or someone the power, acceptance and allowance, support and assistance to exist – instead of me taking my own power and standing up as who I am in assisting and supporting myself with my self – honesty, self – application and self forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be angry with and at the existence of money – wishing that money never existed.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert my anger towards money- blaming money for the situation the world and my life is in – instead of me looking at myself first.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be angry with the current status and position and experience of myself in my life.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert my anger towards the current status and position and experience of myself in my like – blaming everything and everyone else around me, outside of me – instead of me standing up within myself and directing myself if I am simply not satisfied with where I am and what I have become.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be angry with and at the existence of illness, disease, sickness.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert my anger toward the existence of illness, disease, sickness.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be angry with and at the existence of poverty.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert my anger towards the existence of poverty.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert my anger towards the existence of wealth.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert my anger towards the existence of wealth.

When and as I feel anger towards someone or something separate from me, I stop, I breath, I do not allow myself to follow my thoughts of blame that lead me to anger. I realize that in blaming another, I am only abdicating responsibility and allowing the situation I am angry with to continue, and that I am really angry with myself for my accepted and allowed self-dishonesty, for not standing up, taking responsibility. I commit myself to stand up within myself, take responsibility, and say 'till here no further'.

20 - de-clutter objects – de-clutter mind

I haven't written in about a week. I haven't even studied as much (by writing, taking notes and memorizing formulas, definitions and anatomy), I've only been reading the materials 2 hours a night. Instead I've been busy de-cluttering. We have a ton of stuff in the attic, our garage, and in the closets that we don't use, so it's just cluttering our space and my mind! I just need to get it all out! My grandfather wants to give us a bench, and we really want it, but have no space for it because of all the stuff we have. We have a nice space in the attic to make into an extra room, but we need clear out all the stuff we don't use. The boys closets were piled up with toys they no longer play with, and their shelves and dressers stuffed with clothes too small for them. All all, life is cluttered around this joint.

My husband has a table saw in the garage he hasn't been able to use since last year because of all the junk in the way. He's been getting frustrated and pushing me to do something about all this stuff. I have trouble putting clothes away because there is no room for them, they are cluttered with clothes we don't wear. I feel as though life has become stagnant since we haven't cleared out the stuff we don't use. We can't move forward. I try to study, write in my blog, do my DIP homework, but all the time I have this clutter surrounding me and weighing me down. So I took action....finally!

I found a consignment shop that buys items on the spot and began going through all our stuff, replacing batteries to see what still works, and cleaning the items that are re-sell-able. I piled the items for charity separately from the items I attempted to sell. Then, when I had enough stuff to fill up my car, I drove to the shop, handed over the stuff and waited a few hours for them to check everything and decide what they would purchase from me. I tell you, it is so nice to have them pay me for all the work I put into organizing, checking, and cleaning everything. I literally had to scrub stains off with a nail file after wiping them down with detergent, and now my fingernails are peeling from all the water they have been soaking in from the washcloth I used to wipe everything down.

Before my big project of de-cluttering, everything was hidden from view, so my house looked fairly neat. But since I pulled everything out, the counter tops, the kitchen table, the playroom, living-room, and the kids bedrooms have been piled up with boxes of toys and clothes. My house has been a wreck with all this stuff! And my mind has been running one hundred miles per hour to get all this done so I can get back to studying, blogging and DIP.

So I made two trips, and earned $43 on the first one and $89 on the second, and gave away the left overs to charity so now my house is more breathable, more livable. I'm still not done, but I have gotten so much done so far that I feel I can sit back for a few and write, yay!

I've been feeling guilty about not studying and writing, and stressed to complete the task of de-cluttering, (for me and for my family) and because of the stress, I was bombarded with an intense migraine that lasted 48 hours. I was completely debilitated. All I could do was lie in bed, still, with an ice pack on my head. I couldn't even sleep too well, I kept waking up from throbbing pain. I tried a less expensive migraine-abortive medicine and it didn't work. It really aggravates me how much they charge and I know they charge this much because migraine sufferers are willing to pay so they can get back to our lives. This new, 'cheaper' med I tried is 'only' seventy dollars for nine pills, the stuff that works for me is one hundred and thirty dollars for nine pills! CRAZY!

Self forgiveness on guilt from not studying or writing enough, stress from attempt to please others, and get this work done, and anger with pharmaceutical companies to come.

 

19 – What held me back self corrective statements

When and as I see myself fearing the future, and picture what bad things might happen, I stop, I breathe, and bring myself out of my mind back here in the physical body. I realize that I am only allowing myself to picture pretend possibilities in my mind that I pretend to be real based on situations I've experienced in the past, and thus I fear these pretend things, as though the past is bound to happen again. I realize the possibilities I imagine are not real, and the past is only what has happened before, it doesn't mean it will happen again, for these thoughts are only of my mind, as I am allowing my mind to to be my 'protector'. But it is not protecting me, it is distracting me from living. I commit myself to breathe deeply and slowly as I find myself within this situation of fearing the future, to bring myself back here in reality of the physical world, to be brave and walk out of my mind-created, debilitating fears and move forward, try new things, live life in the physical, not hide in my mind.

When and as I see myself fearing competition, judgment, and confrontation, from clients, coworkers or my boss, I stop, I breath, and pull myself out of these thoughts and back here to life as breath. I realize that I only extend my fear to others because I am in fear of, and do not want to face myself, as I am allowing competition within myself, judging myself through not accepting myself, and within this competition and judgment, within judgments of inferiority and superiority, I am separating myself from others and from all life as equal. I commit myself to face myself, take responsibility for my self-inflicted fear, judgments, and competitions, and take responsibility for the self-created separation within these thoughts by writing my life and mind situations, applying self forgiveness, discovering myself, and applying the self-corrective statements I write out, so that I may be able to trust myself and accept myself, as I live out my words.

18 – What held me back – self forgiveness

Because I kept myself in fear of what might happen if I become a personal trainer again, I held myself back from actually moving forward in life. I stayed stuck in the past, in my mind's perception of the worst possibilities that may happen in the future. Instead of living as the physical as breath, I hid in the chambers of my mind, as I allowed my mind to fool myself into believing that my mind was protecting me from the future. But it was only holding me back with it's stories of possibilities. I was holding myself back, by hiding within my mind, and by authorizing my mind as my “protector”.

I feared I'd have to compete again, against other personal trainers for clients, and that I would not be able to handle the pressure of the competition. I feared confrontation and my reaction from the pressure. I feared being judged harshly by the other trainers, and I feared my reaction from feeling unaccepted. I feared that I wouldn't make enough money for it to be worth my effort, time and money it costs to get re-certified. I feared boredom from studying, and feared failing the exam after spending so much time studying, making it a waste of my time. I feared being pressured into promoting programs I don't agree with. I feared getting in “trouble”, disappointing my boss, getting fussed at by my boss, being judged as “bad” by my boss. I feared my response from getting fussed at and feeling like a “bad” employee. I still fear feeling “trapped” at work, in a situation that I don't want to be in and fear losing my “freedom” of being a stay-at-home mom.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear what might happen in the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'what might happen in the future' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear having to compete for clients.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'competing for clients' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my own reaction from confrontation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'my reaction from confrontation' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged harshly from other trainers and my boss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'being judged harshly from other trainers and my boss' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self acceptance and competence at my job by accepting and allowing myself to define my self acceptance and competence at my job within being accepted and valued as competent by other trainers, my boss, and my clients.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to search for myself outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have lost myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to find myself outside of myself – instead of realizing and accepting that I am here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from other trainers, my boss and clients and everything that exists.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as equal and one with other trainers, my boss, and as all as everything that exists.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior to others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts and feelings that 'I am not a good enough trainer', 'I am not competent', 'I am unable to handle confrontation', 'I am unable to pass the certification exam', 'I will feel trapped at a job outside of the home' – and believe such experiences to be real, to be me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'losing money' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear boredom with studying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'boredom with studying' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect 'boredom' to 'studying'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear failing the exam.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'failing the exam' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear wasting my time studying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'wasting my time studying' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'studying' to 'a waste of time'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear feeling pressured to promote programs I disagree with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'feeling pressured to promote programs I disagree with' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear getting in trouble/disappointing/getting fussed at by my boss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'getting in trouble/disappointing/getting fussed at by my boss' to fear - and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my reaction to being judged as 'bad'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'getting judged as bad' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to place a negative charge to the word 'bad'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself by defining my trust within another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my own self trust in defining and placing my trust within something or someone separate from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from other beings by placing my trust within them, instead of trusting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my trust in others because I am too afraid to take responsibility for myself, my life, and my creation as this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust outside of myself because I am afraid of myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I place my trust in another, that they will betray and deceive me- equal and one to my starting point of self-deception within placing my trust outside of me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that therefore betrayal doesn't actually exist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry with other people for betraying me, not realizing that I betrayed myself within the very starting point of trusting them in the first place- and therefore I am responsible and cannot blame them for feeling betrayed.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I can't change the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'not being able to change the future to fear - and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear the future as if the future actually exists.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that the future doesn't actually exist, as it is just a projection of the mind – only the moment here exists.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I'll be worse-off in the future than I am now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'being worse-off in the future than I am now' to fear - and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear the future because of how I have existed in the past.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to superimpose my past on my future.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continuously re-create my past into the future through defining myself according to my past.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my past, and to believe that my past is who I am.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as consciousness of past-present-future instead of being HERE as the breath of life in every here moment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling trapped at work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'being trapped at work' to fear - and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my freedom from being a stay-at-home- mom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'losing my freedom from being a stay-at-home mom' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have freedom when there is only one direction/way to live, what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'freedom' to 'being a house mom'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to value the word 'freedom' as good/positive – therefore trapping myself within the mind's thoughts of polarity judgment where there exists no good/positive without bad/negative.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word 'freedom'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'trapped' to 'a job outside the home'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge the word 'trapped' as bad/negative.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word 'trapped'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that choice exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am in control and in power over my world because 'I make my own choices'.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that choice has never really existed because all choices were predetermined through what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to exist as, as a mind-consciousness system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind 'free will' and 'free choice'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to give up my 'free will' and 'free choice' because that means that I will have to be self honest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'self honesty' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use 'free will' and 'free choice' to justify why I shouldn't be honest with myself and face my fears of getting a job outside the home.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to rely on memories to tell me what to do/who to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my mind instead of trusting myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self responsibility to my mind in trusting my mind rather than me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to diminish my self trust through continuously choosing my mind over me- following what my mind tells me to do, suppressing myself – instead of doing and saying what requires to be done.

17 – What held me back

I was recently asked by the owner and trainer at the studio I currently attend what has held me back from getting back to personal training again. Even though I had an immediate response “my kids”, it got me thinking. I have always felt that the kids weren't the only excuse, because I could realistically work part time as a trainer while they are in school.

I've attempted to study all the materials to get re-certified on a few occasions, during these past eight years, but each time I tried, I gave up after about a month or two into it. I felt overwhelmed and thought that I couldn't learn all the information on my own, without a structured class to guide, teach, and test me. Ultimately I would think, I had a good reason why I felt getting certified again wouldn't benefit me. Most of my clients in the past needed me before and after work, the same time I need to be home for my kids. But that doesn't mean I can't work at all just because I wouldn't have as many clients. So deep down I knew this wasn't the only thing holding me back.

All these years I haven't really dug deep into my mind to what it was that was holding me back until this point in time when this owner/trainer had asked me to work for her. I love the idea of working for her, and working with these people at this studio. So I realize that what was holding me back is not a fact that studying is too difficult to get a job part time with just a few clients. It is fear of being in the same situation I was in years ago, with the same people who were competing against me at my old job.

I know no one is perfect and I have to be able to control my own reactions and not blame others for the way I feel. But at my old job, I had to compete to get clients. This competition brought on some spiteful and dishonest actions out of a certain trainer I worked with. This person had attempted to get me into 'trouble' with our boss a few occasions by tattling about anything he saw as unfit to be a trainer. He had overheard me telling some members tips about how to stretch properly and told our boss I was giving out too much information to people who hadn't yet hired me to train them. He had told our boss that I dressed slutty, even though I was completely covered with a full length tank, sports bra, and biking shorts. Our boss took what he said seriously and immediately labeled me as guilty before even seeing for herself or asking me about it. She then told me I had to wear clothing from the gym when I instruct group classes, which turned out to be way more revealing that what I had originally worn.

My boss was also trying to push me to sell and teach The Zone diet, which I diss-agree with, as this diet completely omits whole groups of vegetables just because they are higher in glucose. This diet, as with most diets for sale, don't focus on good health, they are about making money from people who are desperate to lose weight quickly. I prefer to teach a healthy lifestyle that a person can continue to follow for the rest of their life, a lifestyle that doesn't just focus on getting thin, but one that maximizes overall nutrition and fitness.

So now that I've met these people at this new gym, and see how they prefer to help people by working together with the other trainers and focusing their instruction on overall well-being, instead of competing for clients and selling a quick fix to get skinny, I feel this place and these people better match my priorities. These people are dedicated to good health, and they show how much they enjoy instructing others on how to take care of themselves. Now, after eight years of staying at home without an outside job, I want to work as a personal trainer again. Fear no longer holds me back. I now have a valid reason to complete my studies and get certified as a personal trainer again. And this time around, studying has been quite enjoyable, not overwhelming.

16 – Dream exposing fear of death

Last night, I dreamed I was in a jet airplane that was having trouble gaining altitude. It stayed low, close to the earth, struggling to stay in the air. We didn't crash, and I was relieved, but when it came the time to get back on again to return home, I started freaking out. I told these girls I was with how I'd seen a plane crash in an environment of high altitude and thin air, and that this plane was having the same trouble on the way in. I cried about not being able to see my children again, or my husband. I realized in my dream how afraid I was to die, and to be separated from my family.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'death' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear dying in agonizing pain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'dying in agonizing pain' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear dying in a plane crash.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'dying in a plane crash' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear the pain of my body being ripped apart in a plane crash.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'my body being ripped apart in a plane crash' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear dying while being ripped apart in a plane crash.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'dying while being ripped apart in a plane crash' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear mys own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear the pain of being burned alive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'being burned alive' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear mys own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear dying while being burned alive.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'dying while being burned alive' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear the pain of metal plane parts stabbing through me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'the pain of metal plane parts stabbing through me' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear dying from metal plane parts stabbing through me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'dying from metal plane parts stabbing through me' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear the fact that death is unpredictable and uncontrollable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'the fact that death is unpredictable and uncontrollable' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear planes because of fear of death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'planes' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself in death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'losing myself in death' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear death as the unknown – I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'the unknown' to fear - and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear losing memories of who I was on Earth in death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'losing memories of whom I was on Earth' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my children, husband, and other family members in death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'losing my children, husband, and other family members' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone with myself in death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'being alone with myself in death' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear mys own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'me/myself/I' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose my mind in death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'losing my mind in death' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

When and I as I begin to fear planes/flying in planes, pain and ultimately fear death, I stop, I breathe, I do not allow myself to follow thoughts of what could happen because I know this is all stories in my own mind that I am picturing and fearing. Instead I bring myself out of my head back here as life living, breathing flesh. When and as I begin to fear loss of loved ones, I stop, I breath and do not allow myself to imagine horrible emotions and possibilities. Instead I pull myself out of the mind, and look within my self at what it is I am not accepting, and why I am so dependent on relationship with others. I am only putting myself in separation from life as I feel the need for relationships with others for myself to exist, and I realize that I am already one with life as equal to all life, in breathing flesh.

15 – Finding self acceptance within myself instead of searching for it from others

I mentioned in a previous post how I feel the need to wear make-up when I go on a date with my husband because I desire to be his 'arm candy'. This desire to be considered beautiful by my husband stems from the need to stay in this relationship so I can feel loved. Clearly, since I am searching for love from outside of me because I'm not finding it inside of me. I haven't disciplined myself to a point of trusting myself. Because I don't trust myself, I've allowed fear to be the deciding factor of what I do or don't do. No self discipline – I can't trust me. I don't decide what I will do, fear decides for me. How can I love myself when I can't even trust myself? The statement that I'm making when I wear make-up so I can keep my man loving me is that I am not accepting myself and I'm not even allowing myself to listen to ME.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to utter the word 'love'.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe that I require to be in a 'relationship' to be able to exist.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to speak system language by daring to utter the word 'love'.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe in the illusion that love really, actually exists.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to deceive myself in believing that love exists.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to deceive myself in believing that I require a relationship in this world.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I stand alone, as all as one.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that in uttering the word 'love', I in that moment am saying that I'm a system that requires another system, wants another system, desires another system, to form a connection as a relationship to be able to exist in this world.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to trust love.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to desire love because I haven't allowed myself to accept myself alone, as just me.

I commit myself to discipline myself to writing as often as I am able to, applying self forgiveness and self application to break all the programmed barriers to myself, pull myself out from beneath the system, and become living word as flesh with the ability to listen to myself, trust myself and direct myself instead of allowing the system to direct me.

I commit myself to no longer allow fear and self interest to influence/direct my decisions, as fear is my own make-believe mind perception and self interest separates me from life, placing me in my secret chambers of my mind. I commit to act in all ways in what is best for all life as I know that what is best for all life is what is best for me as well as I am equal to and one with all life.

I commit myself to no longer separate myself from others, from all life, by attempting to 'make-up' and 'pretend' to be prettier or better than others because I realize that we are all equal as life.

I commit myself to look within myself through writing, and find what it is I am not accepting within myself, how I am allowing myself to separate myself from life by fooling myself as my mind, and to apply myself in living word through action in participation, not as my own separate chamber of my mind, in my own self interest, but in what is best for all life

14 – Accepting an Imperfect Complexion -Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I haven't been allowing myself to accept myself – and I will only accept myself with my tinted sunscreen to cover my 'imperfections'.

I forgive myself that I haven't been allowing myself to love myself – and because I do not love myself I will wear make-up to attract my husband, to stay in a relationship, to be loved.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to hold onto the construct and belief of having to be loved, instead of me loving myself as who I am.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to wear make-up to look better and more presentable than other women.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to compare myself to other women.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to compare myself to myself.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to judge myself as who I am, because I judge myself, I'd rather wear make-up to hide the judgment of me that exists within me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to hide myself by wearing make-up because I do not accept myself.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to think that I'm not pretty enough, and that I'm not beautiful enough, and that I need to wear make-up and/or tinted sunscreen to hide my self-perceived imperfections.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to think that I'm required to wear make-up to 'fit in' with society and all the other women.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to think that I need to wear make-up to keep my man interested in me.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to wear make-up because of the models, and actresses I see on TV that look so gorgeous and beautiful, I also want to look like them, so I wear make-up.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to want to wear make-up to be 'noticed'.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to wear make-up as an 'antenna' for me to say, I am here, I am here. I have to stay in this relationship. I don't accept myself, I don't love myself. I can only accept and love myself when I'm in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that in wearing make-up for reasons and purposes separate from me, that is of the mind, I actually become older much faster.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to accept my human physical body and my skin as one with me.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to separate myself from my human physical body.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that my human physical body might actually be showing me something if there are pimples and wrinkles and things all over my skin – and that I'm actually able to 'correct' this through self-forgiveness and self application in every moment, so that my human physical body as me may express myself as who I am within and as oneness and equality of life.

I commit myself to discipline myself through writing self forgiveness and self application and by not procrastinating with important self improvements so that I may trust, accept and love myself and therefore not feel the need to wear make-up or the need to receive love from another.

13 - accepting an imperfect  complexion

This morning, as I looked in the mirror while getting ready for Pilates, I noticed my less then perfect complexion. The spaces under my eyes are dark, my freckles seem bolder, red spots surround the edge of my nose, light brown splotches from the sun spread on my chin, and a red blemish resides by my hairline. So I did what I usually do before I go anywhere, I applied my tinted sunscreen. This is in attempt to make my skin look more even-toned. This is to hide my blemish, so no one judges me as 'gross'. This is to secure my self esteem, so I feel pretty, acceptable to others.

I know times in the past when I have made judgment on people because of their skin. Acne that stands out like volcanoes tend to gross me out, and I feel sorry for people who suffer from it. It is too distracting when trying to have a conversation with someone when they have a million zits all over their face. I think about how greasy their skin must be, and how painful it must be just to lie their face on their pillow. The thought, “maybe they have a hormonal problem, or they eat too much unhealthy foods and drinks” crosses my mind. The judgment I basically give them overall is they are “broken/damaged”, something is “wrong” with them.

But along with the negative judgments, I've also placed positive ones about people with perfect skin. “They must be really healthy and smart because they take great care of themselves.” Instead of pity, like I feel for people with bad skin, I feel admiration and respect. It is easier to talk to a person with beautiful skin, as I feel I'm able to listen better to what they say because what they say might be important, after all “they do know how to take care of themselves, it shows in their beautiful skin.”

These judgments I make seem ingrained in me. They are an instant reaction when I first look at someone. I don't prefer to make them, they just “pop up”. Often times, I attempt to correct myself in my mind as soon as I realize I'm making a judgment, to not judge the person as “different” because of their appearance, but it takes discipline, as I've allowed my mind to be programmed to react to appearance in judgment.

So because I hold judgment on others, I hold judgment on myself as well. I don't want others to pity me or judge me as “gross, broken, damaged, hormonal, or unable to care for myself”. If people are to judge, I prefer people to make the positive judgment, “she takes great care of herself”. Overall, I feel like I hide my imperfections so they do not distract another into judgment and from being able to hold a conversation with me. Usually I prefer to hide my imperfections, yet not apply loads of makeup, unless I'm going out on a date. Then I want to be “arm candy” for my husband, to feel more secure, but that's another topic of self esteem and desire to stay in a relationship, all together.

I've thought about wearing my regular, un-tinted sunscreen when I go out, because I know I am judging my appearance and depending on my tinted sunscreen to cover my imperfections. I'd like to accept myself completely as who I am without placing such importance on appearance. I know people do judge, automatically, and my fear of being judged negatively as consumed me to the point of having to cover up what I see as imperfections. I have worked through this before, a couple of years ago, when I shaved my head and stopped wearing all makeup. I felt liberated, self love, and self-acceptance as I wasn't holding myself down with the need to change, to fix my appearance. But I fell back into allowing myself to depend on appearance to feel “good” about myself. I wasn't writing so much, not applying self forgiveness, so I lost touch with myself, my self discipline, my self love. Now I will gain it back. I don't think it is “wrong” to wear tinted moisturizer to hide imperfections, after all, positive judgment can get you places in this system of money, like hired to help other's take care of themselves. I just want to get past the NEED for it to feel accepted by others, and ultimatly for my personal self acceptance, because I know you can't gain self acceptance from another being, you have to learn to love and accept yourself.

Day 12 – resistance - choosing what's most important first

I am having a bit of trouble writing, I'm having to push through resistance because I need to spend a lot of time studying as well. To myself I have made a commitment to write first, then study. If I don't study, I don't get a job. If I don't write, not much happens to motivate me to write, so I push myself to write first. I came across sf today, on Creation's Journey (Leila) that really stood out to me, so I will use it as a base structure of sf re-wording some of it to fit my way of speaking and my situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to refuse to understand that any change will go hand in hand with resistance, as I have to push through the automated occupation of self that is obsessed with time till I have removed this fear -driven obsession with time and what I believe is important due to the effective ways I have allowed myself to become a participant in the current system of the individual self obsessed with personal achievement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the ideas of the system about personal achievement without ever considering what is best for all life and that what is best for all life should be my directive principle as I should show the character of life as life, but I show the character of the system as not life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be driven by the character of the system which is the character of the mind and not the character of life and that I fear to be without this mind drive as energy that will make me feel good and accomplished in the measurement of my own judgment, yet which would allow life to be abused and I would feel nothing for the abuse that happens unless
I am reminded, when the feeling for life will only last a moment before I return to the indulgence of the

self- interest induced good feeling and ignorance in the mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as life I should be able to be in constant awareness of life and thus experience what life in all forms experience on Earth. Yet I do not, because I don't want to feel the pain of others suffering so I ignore life and only experience what I have decided is valid for me in my mind regardless of the periodic reminder that all is not well with life on Earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to commit myself to my mind and the creation of personal happiness through self desire and self achievement in my mind in order to ignore the abuse of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always find the participation within the mind in self interest to indulge in feeling good easy and mind fulfilling, while any action to bring about a change in the physical world that is best for all will get the least attention as it will not produce a quick, secure and good feeling in my mind but instead a reminder to how fucked up this world is, and how it will take a very long time to fix this fuck- up, greedy excuse for life, to a world that is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to form and hide in a mind that 'protects' me from reality and that I have convinced myself that this mind is me and that this mind is real regardless of what the physical reality is showing me happening since the time history has been recorded up to the present day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that it is virtually impossible to change the fuck-up world to a world that is best for all as it is much easier for myself to remain in my self-created, protecting mind space where I have given myself permission of ignorance to escape the fuck-up world and personal free choice according to my rules in self interest.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define commitment as according to the rules of the system of self interest and not according to that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use resistance to postpone committing myself to life as myself because I feel I have already challenged the mind, without actually realizing that if I cannot walk the process to life again and again till it is done as example, I have not relinquished the mind, I have only rewired my mind to what I choose to perceive in self interest as another acceptable level of superiority where I can have the choice to do what I feel like doing regardless of that which needs to be done to bring about that which is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate personal happiness as the benchmark for all decisions and when I'm faced with a lengthy process of self correction that should move me to action immediately as that is the shortest path to self correction, I will linger in the mind permitting myself to believe I have actual choice while the choice I have does not exist but in my self -created mind. As life as form there is no choice outside of self interest, but what is best for all life as it is measurable and able to be seen directly if I dare to let go of my self interest.

I commit myself to focus on every point that grasp my attention to see how I have created it in my mind where it cannot be challenged to bring an end to my reality and return to life's reality.

I commit myself to challenge every self interested desire by exposing myself in self honesty how and why I have allowed myself to create desire in my mind where I alone am the God of me that will place me first regardless of the harm it does to the physical world.

I commit myself to stop all separate personal spaces that are in contradiction to the physical world so that I may return to life here and give to all forms as I would like to receive.

I commit myself to stop participating in personal achievement that follows my self created rules of my mid and the separation from life and to only accept achievement that is aligned to provide to all physical life in all ways.

I commit myself to stop allowing my mind as my directive principle as that causes me to only consider my self interest but to create my directive principle to be what is best for all and to commit myself to bring this world of living words as flesh to all in every way as that will end the suffering that has been the result of the self that was created by the mind in separated bubbles without any form of consequence.

I commit myself to stop allowing myself to use my feelings as required by the mind in relation to my indulgence in self interest to be the determining factor of who I am, what I do, and what I allow in this world. I will no longer ignore the suffering, but I will align myself with those who are lacking life support because I have deliberately designed rules in self interest that allows only myself as the mind to win and I have refused to accept that there exists in this world a position where a person can do nothing to improve their condition due to the value system of the mind as money instead of a value system based on life.

I commit myself to be guided with rules that support all life in space time and that I will refrain from participating in the mind where space time as matter does not exist.

I commit myself to understand that to bring about a world that is best for all life I will have great resistance both from my mind and my body (as my body is controlled at this time by my mind) as well resistance from other people as minds and controlled bodies, but I will walk as I understand just like in my process, the time will come where the physical reminder of what is real will be so clear and shocking that the mind will stop and the person will come out of their bubble and hear and see what is really happening in the physical world to begin their process to re-align with that which is best for all life.

I commit myself to walk as breath to pull myself out of my mind so I am not fooled by my mind and drawn into self interest and to make choices that support all life.

I commit myself to put an end to my ideas of free choice that only serve my self and to make decisions based on what is best for all.

I commit myself to redefine commitment as the living, breathing action that is best for all life in physical space time.

I commit myself to learn to understand how the physical functions and to stop my indulgence in the illusion as the mind so that I may stand equal as the physical as that which is the vehicle that gives me life.

I commit myself to restore to Earth that which holds real value to all life as any parent cares for their child, I care for all life as one family, equal in life.

I commit myself to not postpone but to immediately act to prove to myself the benefits in physical space time.

I commit myself to not allow the mind to set the rules of what is important and what is not.

I commit myself to any time required to bring this world to life, regardless of what it will take and I commit myself to not allow values of the mind and what I have allowed myself to become in self interest to determine what is real value.

Day 11 – back from vacation -sf

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself to the future believing the thought 'this child's high-pitched scream will cause ear damage' and also the thought 'I really don't want to expose my ears to any further damage that will speed up the rate of hearing loss'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed this small child's screams to be a trigger that triggers tha thought 'this child's high-pitched scream will cause ear damage'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow the thought 'this child's high-pitched scream will cause ear damage'

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – through participation within the thought ' this child's high-pitched scream will cause ear damage' – become fearful and angry.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought 'this child's high-pitched scream will cause ear damage' to an emotional experience of fear and anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of fear and anger.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an emotional experience of fear and anger because I realize that I cannot control this child's desire to scream.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing my hearing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect loosing my hearing to fear and thus – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist as fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing 'fear of loss' to be the very nature of who I am.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is real.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to question my fear.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that fear is self created.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that when I experience fear that I am actually only fearing myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that fear is only a pre-programmed reaction.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that the purpose of fear is to keep me from realizing myself as who I am as all life, one and equal.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is ever a valid reason to allow the experience of fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become mentally attached to my hearing.

I forgive myself to create a dependency to this mental attachment I have created with my hearing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing myself through fearing this loss of my definition of myself with my hearing instead of realizing that I am still here even if my hearing is gone.

When and as I begin to fear losing my hearing, I stop, I breathe, and I do not accept and allow fear to consume me. Instead I realize and understand that fear is not real, but only and emotion I am conjuring up and allowing and that is is only myself that I am 'fearing'. I realize that fear is only a distraction from what is here, as myself as life and I no longer allow this emotion to exist within me to distract me or to separate me from who I am and who we are as one life as equal, even is I become deaf.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe that anger exists.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to define myself according to anger as what I am.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to participate in anger.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to exert anger to another instead of realizing that this anger within me - has been manifested by myself through participation of thoughts.

I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted anger within me.

I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted myself to react with anger and in anger.

I forgive myself that I've allowed and accepted anger toward another and thus validated the existence of anger within me.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to be angry at and with a this small child when she screams.

When and as I begin to react in anger, I stop, I breath, I do not accept or allow the emotion of anger to consume me. Instead I apply self honesty to see what it is I am fearing to cause this anger and realize that fear and anger are not real but only emotions conjured up to distract me from who I am as life, as equal to all life.

Day 10- Back from vacation

I returned home two days ago from a vacation with my family in the mountains. My mom, dad, brother and his ex wife and two kids, and my husband and our two children stayed in a cabin together. It was noisy! Whenever my two kids and my brother's son get together, they stir up a racket! Plus one if the children is a three year old who screams the most high-pitched scream I've ever heard. It is a bit uncomfortable for my ears and that triggers emotion of anger in me. I already have permanent tinnitus from loud concerts in my twenties and I really don't want to expose my ears to any further damage that will speed up the rate of hearing loss.

I wanted to write on my vacation, but each time I sat down to start, I was interrupted by loud children or one of my kids asking me to get something to eat or drink. And what I wanted to write about, I didn't want my family reading, and I was surrounded by them. I don't like breaks in writing because I find it more difficult to get back into the habit or figure out exactly what to write about that I haven't already covered. I seem to want to write about the same things because it is taking me a while to overcome them.

I'm still taking my two meds on a daily basis and I feel normal, (except the tinnitus is magnified) but I went to the Dr. yesterday and asked for another blood test because I'd rather figure out what the problem of fatigue is caused by and fix that. So she is testing my levels of folic-acid and vitamin b-12 to see if I have a deficiency from an inability to absorb them. I still think it may be adrenal fatigue, but I have to cover all the basis first because there is currently no test for adrenal fatigue, only one for adrenal failure.

The migraines I really want to learn more about. I know they are genetic and the first one usually shows up before the age forty. Well I'm thirty eight and my first one gripped me just this past year. They are triggered in the nervous system, which branches out all over the body. So many things can trigger them. Sometimes I can feel one side of my face in pain before a migraine starts on the same side of my head. Sometimes my muscles in my neck and shoulder will tense up and a migraine will result on the same side. When that happens, that side of my head will feel bruised. I have a disease in my nervous system, so I'm wondering if that has anything to do with triggering migraines. I asked my Dr. about but she has doubts about that. But to me it seems it would be weird if there weren't a connection. Either way, I get migraines and when I do, I can't do much of anything. My best bet when one gets me is I stay still in a quiet, dark room with no smells.

That is why I'm concerned about being able to hold onto a job. I was offered one recently, doing what I used to do and what I enjoy doing, personal training. I really like the owner of the studio, as well as the other trainers there and am looking forward to becoming part of the team. In fact I'm down-right excited thinking about it! I just don't want to have to cancel any classes because of a stupid migraine. I want to be a dependable worker. Well, I'm not giving up. I'm just going to try it out anyway. Besides, I can always take my 'seventeen-dollar-a-dose' medicine to halt the migraine! (It's rediculous how much the pharmaceutical company charges and it angers me they are taking advantage of so many people who suffer just to supply their greed) So I'm not going to let that fear get in my way! I can be strong and work through a migraine. It's not the end of the world, dammit! Lol!

Ok, self forgiveness to come. I have studying to do!