37 – Only Skin Deep

I used to enjoy sunbathing, actually I still would enjoy it if it weren't so harmful. I'm usually a very cold person, cold hands, cold feet, cold nose, cold body. The sun feels wonderful as it warms my skin. It's so relaxing to lay on my lounge chair, with a magazine and warm myself up and feel a nice spring breeze while hiding imperfections with a tan.

But after seeing my grandmother have big slices of cancerous skin removed from her face more than a few times, I have to think twice about how wonderful sun bathing really is. Not only my grandmother was a victim of cancer, but my grandfather, uncle, and my other grandmother as well, (she died of breast cancer).

I wanted to make myself believe that it would never happen to me. I ignored the risk, I ignored what others were going through, because I wanted to still be able to enjoy sunbathing and getting a tan. I would lie to myself, believing “It won't happen to me, because my skin isn't 'that' fair, I still tan easily, and I'm 'safe' about sunbathing, I don't overdue it”. So many excuses I'd come up with, 'just this last time, this last year of sunbathing, I'll stop next year”.

After ignoring the warning signs (for years) of seeing my family members suffer with cancer, reading about it, and seeing my own skin change, I finally came to my senses. Is it really that important to feel warm for a few minutes a day and to have skin that looks pretty when I'm putting myself at such a risk?

I read recently on a skin cancer site about having your 'sun cup filled'. Each person has a limit of the amount of sun exposure before major damage is done. I've been thinking about this as I see more mole sunscreen stick so I can re apply to extra sensitive spots every few hours. It's been years since I've had an all over skin check, and I finally got the courage to make an appointment to check it again.

I was so afraid to make the appointment, I had waited till my fear of cancer exceeded my fear of the Dr. visit! But I'm glad I finally went, because I knew deep down that it is necessary, as I have already had a biopsy on a mole that turned out to be pre-cancerous. And that was more than twelve years ago.

Let me tell you, having someone I have never met closely scan my entire body as I lay in only an open gown (mostly naked) in some cold Dr.'s office is not my cup of tea. I'm talking they looked EVERYWHERE!

Yeah, no big deal compared to cancer. So I had this 'stranger' cut out six moles which are now on their way to the lab for biopsy. I sit here with itchy, painful holes all over my body, as I wait for the results. If a mole turns out to be pre-cancerous, I will have to return to the Dr. to get more skin cut out, just to make sure every damaged cell is removed. Last time I had this done, I saw what they removed. It was a square inch of skin and fat tissue, a rubbery thing, from my breast. I was so devastated that I had such a chunk excised that I cried! I didn't expect to feel that way, but I wanted my body part back!

So yes, I allowed fear and ignorance to keep me from taking care of myself. I feared the same situation happening again that happened before, and avoided any chance of realizing that fear by I ignoring the possibility that I may get cancer from sunbathing so that I could stay in my happy, non-consequential bubble of soaking up the sun while achieving beautiful tanned skin. Because skin cancer 'will never happen to me!'

Self forgiveness and self corrective statements to come on fear, ignorance, judgment of beauty, and desire to impress.

36 – Fear of Confrontation – sf and scs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about what other people say or think about me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to how I believe other people see me – and therefore, be afraid of people starting to see me in a different light, because, apparently, then I'll lose myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe embarrassment is real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto an idea of myself in separation of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to an idea as ego.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear losing my friends in my world.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to define myself according to my friends and that is why I fear losing them – because if I lose them, I'll apparently lose myself.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe that I'm actually able to 'lose' myself.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear losing my parents' love and acceptance of me.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to define myself according to my parents' love and acceptance of me, and that is why I fear losing their love and acceptance – because if I lose their love and acceptance, I'll apparently lose my own love and acceptance of self.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to believe that I will lose self acceptance if I lose acceptance from another.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear change because my controlled world is who I am and if it would change, I wouldn't be able to control my life anymore.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear change because I've defined myself according to my world that is me, and that's all that must and may exist, because that's all that exists of me.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to accept myself and my world as as one with and equal to that which only exists and I will not allow myself to expand.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear expansion.

When and as I want to avoid a conversation only because of fear of confrontation, I stop, I breath. I realize that I avoid confrontation because I fear losing my friends and family whom I have defined myself through, and that in this definition of myself I'm not allowing myself to change because I am afraid of change and I'm afraid of losing who I have defined myself as. I commit myself to continue writing as it is allowing me to discover who I am and why I allow certain things and why I fear change, so that I can actually stand up within myself change myself to who I want to be (not what others want me to be) and speak what I live.

35 – Avoiding conversation that may lead to confrontation

While at a birthday party, I noticed myself avoiding conversing with people when certain topics came up the I do not agree with. I know these people have a belief system that they are unwilling to give up, so I find it easier to just avoid any conversation that I think they will disagree with. I fear confrontation, mostly my own reaction such as not knowing what to say and getting flustered in the face, and upset. When I'm in confrontation with someone I am usually nervous, or angry. I have been allowing myself to react to what another person says and how another person speaks and looks at me.

I feel as if I have no control over my reactions. I remember when I was a child, when I would get in confrontation with other kids I would immediately cry, and I really hated that. They would make fun of me for crying and I felt as though I had no control over it. So now I fear not being able to control my reaction still, as an adult, even though it isn't crying. So I am fearing myself.

I think this fear of confrontation began as a child when my parents would freak out, yell at me, and spank me when I did something wrong. I have this fear engrained in my mind that I will be judged as bad or hurt if I do or say something someone else doesn't agree with. When I got in trouble with my parents, much of the time I had no idea I was doing anything wrong in the first place. I used to think “Why do they yell at me, do really think I did this on purpose? They really don't know me.” I felt insecure about my parents loving me one minute and hating me as soon as I made a mistake. Now when I look back on my childhood, I realize that they were going through a really rough time, and were constantly stressed. So when anything went wrong, they exploded.

I want to release this pattern of fear and avoidance I go into when I am in confrontation. I want to be able to stand up within myself and speak who I am in confidence. I feel like I am giving my power to anyone I am afraid to speak with, I am feeling inferior as I avoid confrontation. Is this because I desire to feel superior?

Ultimately I would like to be neither inferior or superior, but equal. I want to feel I can be comfortable talking to people who have belief systems. It is so much easier talking with other “destonians” as they/we, do not have a belief system to disagree with, and we know to not place blame on anyone else for our thoughts feelings, emotions and actions, but instead we are taking responsibility for ourselves to end all these mind wars and live as equals. Since I still have to interact with all kinds of people with all kinds of belief systems that are easily offended. I can not hide. So I take responsibility for my fear and my reactions to others when in confrontation. I begin with realizing what I have been accepting and allowing and programmed to believe through using the tools of self forgiveness, and moving forward with self-corrective application.

Sf to come

34-Disappointment from lack of appreciation when giving gifts.

Disappointment from expecting a different outcome, expecting appreciation. Desiring the power to make someone happy.

I like to see people happy, even if it's not my doing, but in the instance of gift giving I am attempting to MAKE someone happy while at the same time, feeling powerful for being the person to make someone happy. I take the experience of gift giving back to myself, as a 'self-serving tool' to have the power to make someone happy and to feeling appreciated. When I don't receive the response I expect, I feel disappointed, as I am allowing myself to become dependent on this experience of appreciation and power of making another happy. Since power/powerless, appreciation/ lack of appreciation, happy/sad, are polarities, when there is one there is always the other. I am searching for appreciation and power outside of myself. This is a statement that speaks, “I am not powerful”, “I do not appreciate myself”, yet I do not want to accept my self judgment and lack of self acceptance. I don't want to see that this is how I feel, so I hide behind manipulation of attempting to gain appreciation and power outside of me, instead of looking inside of me, to realize what it is I am allowing myself to do or not do that I do not accept.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'powerless'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to ignore my emotions of feeling powerless, and instead focus my attention on finding power outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to appreciate myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to ignore my emotions of feeling no self appreciation but instead search for appreciation from someone, something outside of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that a gift can make a person happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in happiness when it is only a polartiy of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have the possibility to make someone happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from all life by judging myself as 'powerless'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from 'power'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I do not have power.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from all life by attempting to be more powerful.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire power.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself to be limited, powerless, hopeless, inferior and therefore try and 'gain' power through others giving their power away to me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that who I am is limited, powerless, hopeless and inferior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire power because I desire strength, control and superiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire power because I desire appreciation.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want others to give their power to me so that I can be in power and control over them – and so I can feel good about myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be superior to my nephew through giving him something he desires.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to manipulate my nephew into liking me by giving him nice gifts.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear not being loved and appreciated by my nephew.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel hopeless in that my nephew will love and appreciate me, and within that hopelessness, attempt to make him love me through giving gifts and making myself appear a good person.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel limited in my ability to have a good relationship with my nephew.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that if my nephew doesn't trust me, his mom, or his grandmother, he will grow up with disrespect for all women in general.

When and as I feel disappointed from lack of appreciation when giving gifts, I stop, I breath, I do not allow myself to linger in my thoughts. I realize that within this expectation of appreciation, I am only trying to control another into liking me. I commit myself to look within myself, see what it is that I am not accepting in myself, and take the steps necessary in self discipline and self control, to find my self that I can fully appreciate.

33- self realizations at a birthday party

Yesterday my family and I visited my brother to celebrate his son's 9^th birthday. A few points of self realization came up. First, my nephew very rarely shows appreciation for the gifts we give him. He tears through one to get to the other without one “thank you”. He doesn't even check to see who the gift is from. So every time we give him a gift, he has no idea that we gave him something, and if he does, he seems to not care that we give him anything. I know he is still a child, but I feel like he is old enough to realize that it is a nice gesture to give someone a gift and we should thank the person to show our appreciation.

I used to put a whole lot of thought into what to give him, and would spend money and time on creating a pretty presentation of it. Now I realize that he doesn't notice or care that I give him something, almost like he expects it. I allowed myself to feel used by his non-appreciation and expectation of my gifts and now, even though I still give him a gift, I don't put as much thought into it as I 'know' ahead of time that if it is not in his absolute favor he will not care.

So I realize that in this tradition of gift giving, I not only want to see the recipient 'happy', I want to be a person that 'makes the recipient happy', and I want the recipient to appreciate me. So I take the experience back to myself, as a self-serving tool have the power to make someone happy and to feeling appreciated.

Another point of self realization is I fear confrontation to the extent that I will avoid conversation on certain topics. I am fearing my own reaction to what another person might say to me. I fear I cannot control my emotions, I fear I will be slave to another as I allow them to control my emotions by what they say. So I do not feel I have control, I am still allowing myself to react to another, as if it matters what another thinks about me.

I know that self acceptance can only come from within self. I know not to look outside myself for this, yet I still do not trust myself that I will be able to accept myself enough to not react. Since I do not completely trust myself to not react in certain situations, I am placing the power in others to control my emotions through reaction. Because I do not want to give others my power, I do not involve myself in certain conversations. That is what I feel is my power at this moment, is to avoid any possible confrontation all together.

Self forgiveness and self corrective statements to come.

32- update on imperfections and self acceptance

Well I have actually only been wearing sunscreen on my face (instead of the tinted one). The need to cover my imperfections has subsided after writing about it and applying sf (self forgiveness). It's liberating to not feel like I need to make myself to appear 'perfect'. I have a few times since worn the tinted one, when I felt it would be more 'fun' to get positive attention, but the NEED for it is not there anymore, at least not for going out with my family on weekends or going to the Pilates studio.

I kinda feel like I did when I shaved my head. That is such a free feeling. No makeup, not even tinted sunscreen, no jewelery, no fancy clothes, no hair style, just me. That's how I was with my head shaved. Now I do still enjoy my outfits I put together. I like the colors to look appealing together and the textures to vary. I feel like I put together a piece of art when I create an outfit. In all of this 'fun' stuff of putting together a neat looking outfit, I am still calling out for attention. I realize that I don't want to see that, but I do. When I wear a cool outfit, it's when I leave the house, to show the world 'who I am'. It is still an appearance I am creating to impress others.

I like boat neck shirts best because they make my face appear more attractive, but I do not confine myself to them. I have my most desirable colors that I like to wear, but I don't confine myself to those either. I sometimes don't wear anything special out, but I still don't want to appear like I am sloppy, and don't care about myself, not when I go to the grocery with my family. I have made that my 'fun time' to experiment with my outfits.

Funny thing though, is I am totally sloppy in front of my neighbors, my kids' bus driver, and my immediate family. I wear pajamas all day, and keep my hair oily and messed up until I feel like washing it at night. Even when my parents or brother come over, I'm usually my usual 'sloppy self'! It's nice to accept myself as I am.

So I will allow myself to have my 'fun outfit time' occasionally. Since I don't paint anymore, I still want to 'create' something and show it to the world. Just as long as it doesn't get 'out of hand', where I feel like I NEED to constantly present myself as attractive with clothes or makeup to feel acceptance and happiness.

 

I am still not life as one as equal as I am finding pleasure from showing off my creation. I fear giving this up, fear boredom, yet I realize that happiness is not something outside of self. I am not perfect, but I am working on self acceptance and doing what is best for all through self discovery, changing what I am allowing myself to be controlled by, learning to trust and accept myself. It will take time. Now I will not fill my head with guilt, for the things I am not yet giving up, but I will take small steps into pushing myself through these desires and 'needs' to eventually be all as one as equal as life.

Now I'm going to wash my face and put some plain old non-tinted sunscreen on.

31 – Return from Despair

The first two days off from writing I could barely avoid, the third day was still difficult to find the time, but I could have if I tried harder. After that I was out of the habit. It's much easier to 'give up' once I have a few days off. When I write daily, it is much easier to stick with it. Interesting. Because I have given myself a little leeway, I opened myself up to giving myself even more leeway. Bit by bit, more and more.

An excuse to ignore my situation, and do something more 'fun' instead such as internet research, piano, or window shopping, can get out of hand with this bit by bit 'rule'. So I have returned to writing. Now not only is my back and hip sore, but my arms are as well from playing so much piano! lol! What I do to myself.... Ok So back to discipline, even in the circumstance that is less than desirable. Even in this circumstance that I did not expect, I am back to doing what need to be done.

I thought because I cannot do what I want to do, what I was doing before, that I can only be happy if I continue to do these things I have labeled as 'happy'. Therefore, I must be 'unhappy' since I am no longer able to do these things that make me feel 'happy'. I then attempted to ignore my situation, ignore my unhappiness with the fact that I can no longer do the things I desire, and instead find another outside experience that would make me feel 'happy'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that happiness exists.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that happiness only exists, because sadness exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within being able to do the same things I have been doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within Pilates class.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within being physically productive, cleaning out the house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within being pain-free.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within shopping.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within internet research, fulfilling curiosity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness outside and separate from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to 'find' happiness somewhere 'out there'

separate from me, instead of investigating why I am not happy with who I am in every moment and to change whatever it is that I am not happy with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only care about my personal happiness.

When and as I feel that I am not happy, and attempt to find other outside means to happiness, I stop, I breathe. I do not allow myself to distract my feelings with an outside source. I realize that I am the expression of joy of life within and as oneness and equality, and happiness is within me as who I am. I do not require outside experience such as new clothes, fulfilling curiosity, or a certain situation or laughter, and smiles to be 'happy'. This joy within me is the presence of me as who I am as life within oneness and equality – constant, stable, present, here in every breath.

I realize that happiness and excitement are of the same energetic frequency – and they originate from suppressed emotions. Therefore, inherently, happiness and excitement can only exist if negative experiences exist, such as sadness and disappointment from not doing what I had expected to be able to continue doing. Happiness and excitement are thus part of a polarity manifestation of the mind.

I commit myself to continue on with self discipline to do what needs to be done even in a situation that is unexpected. I commit myself to forgive myself for any lapses in disciple instead of giving into guilt and despondency. I commit myself to investigate why I am not feeling happy, instead of ignoring myself and attempting to find new 'happiness' from an outside source.

30 – depressed from a disability

I strained my back, hip and hamstring. It hurts and it's difficult for me to get comfortable, especially while trying to sleep. I have to skip my Pilates classes, and slow myself down, try not lift heavy objects for the next six weeks. This totally sucks because I really don't want to skip Pilates, or not lift heavy objects. That is what my 'happy' part of life entails. So now I feel sad and un-motivated. I do have more time to study now, but I am finding it quite difficult, as I do not have a teacher to explain to me what some of the stuff I don't understand means. So I have become almost despondent, very close to wanting to give up. I've been diversing my attention to a non-stress-full outlet such as looking at clothes on the internet. I am ignoring my 'problems' and it is getting me nowhere but depressed.

First of all, life is not always easy, and I can't always expect it to be easy. I am allowing life's 'up and downs' to affect my emotions, and I don't have to. I don't want to. So I will not give up. I will accept the situation I am in and work with it. It is a change of plans that I did not expect, but instead of whining about it, I will just adjust my schedule to what needs to be done, and to what I can still do in this 'crippled' state.

29 – power and control

I used to attempt to be the best. I wanted to be the best at singing, piano, gymnastics, drawing.... I figured out that when I did something really well, I received attention and praise from my parents. That is when I felt acceptance.

As a child, when I made mistakes, like leaving my bandage wrappers out on the counter or spilling chips on the floor, I would get yelled at. I felt like my parents thought I was stupid, and unworthy when I made mistakes, so I tried my hardest to not make any mistakes. I wanted desperately to please them.

But mistakes were bound to happen, even though I tried my best to not make them, and when I did, I felt powerless. I felt like I had no control over when I would spill milk, or when I forgot to bring home my school book needed for homework, and I hated feeling powerless. I had to hear the negative reactions from my parents because I had no control over my mistakes.

I felt like something was wrong with me because I kept forgetting important things. The time I left my purse at the restaurant, everyone in the car was aggravated with me because we had to turn the car around and go back to the restaurant to pick up my purse... and this happened more than once. I felt stupid and unaccepted. I felt I had no control over my brain remembering! It really sucked because I wanted so badly to remember, and to not make stupid mistakes, to not be the root of frustration for my family.

But I was. When I complained about my head hurting when my dad attempted to comb through knots in my hair, he'd get upset with me and fuss at me. When I peed in my bed, the reaction was, “What?! Again!” in a 'you should know better' kind of way. Shoot, I knew I didn't want to pee in my bed, but when I had dreams about peeing, I'd really pee!

My brother would call me a brat, and my mom agreed. I felt like it was unfair because she didn't want to hear my side of the story when my brother and I got into arguments. I was just about always the one to bear the blame.

So my only solution to acceptance was to be really good at something. That was my way of taking control, of attaining power. Whatever it was, I gave it my all. When I did really well at something, instead of aggravation, I felt love and appreciation from my parents. I also felt acceptance from myself, with myself, for doing something well, instead of messing something up. But as the years went by, I pressured myself more and more into perfection to the point where I didn't accept myself unless I was the best at what I did.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire power.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself to be limited, powerless, hopeless, inferior and therefore try to 'gain' power through others giving their power away to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that who I am is limited, powerless, hopeless and inferior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire power, because I desire acceptance from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire power, because I desire strength, control and superiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to lose.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be the loser.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compete with people secretly in my head because I want to show them I am 'better than' them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am 'better than' other people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear participating in competitions, because I am afraid of losing the competition and being seen as 'less than' other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come out as 'better than' at the expense of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want others to give their power to me so that I can be in power and control over them – and so I can feel good about myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice other people's 'happiness'/well – being for my personal gain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for something or someone that is apparently more powerful than me – to control me – because I believe I am too powerless, limited, hopeless and inferior to direct myself.

When and as I feel the need to be the best at something, better than others, I stop, I breath. I realize that within my desire for power, lies a desire for acceptance from others because I am not accepting myself as I am. I commit myself to write, find out why I do things I don't like, make changes, live my word, and trust myself.

28- Pleasing Others – sf -scs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the experience of 'loneliness'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that loneliness is real and that loneliness actually exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need and require to be in a relationship with something or someone else separate outside of me for me to be complete.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I require to be in a relationship with something or someone else separate outside of me for me to be accepted – instead of me accepting amyself as who I am as life in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need and require to be in a relationship with something or someone else separate outside of me to be intimate – instead of me being intimate with me as 'into-me-I-see'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need and require to be in a relationship with something or someone else separate outside of me for me to be comfortable with myself - instead of me being comfortable with me in every here moment – allowing myself to unconditionallly 'come forth' here as who I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – when I experience loneliness – go out to look for something or someone to be in a relationship with so that I no longer have to feel lonely – instead of realizing the actual real origin of loneliness, which is me missing myself – and thus, changing my starting point of who I am in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when I am with friends, I am not alone.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am alone no matter where I am and no matter with whom I am.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that being alone means and implies that I am lonely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be seen as a 'loner' – and therefore try to have a lot of friends – because , apparently, the more friends I have, the more value I have.

I forgive myelf for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be lonely.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be alone.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself as alone as all one in every moment of breath – and to realize that; all is one – how can I ever be lonely?

When and as I fear losing friends and family and being alone, I stop, I breath, I do not allow myself to continue on with self pity and loneliness. I realize that I am alone, so here I am with me, so how would I like to experience myself? Therefore, loneliness is actually not real in any way whatsoever, but a 'mind job'. Even though I may be alone, someone else is experiencing the same thing as I, so in a sense, I am not alone. I commit myself to continue writing, self forgiveness, self corrective statements and applying them so that I may enjoy myelf as I get to know myself, learn to trust and accept myself and accept that I am alone in my own process, and that's okay.

27 – pleasing others

I don't want to disappoint anyone in my 'circle'. People around me have expectations of me that may not be met, and I have been allowing this to bother me. My mom told my future boss that I will be certified in two months, when I never said that, in reality I might be able to get it done in four or five months, and now it's looking like it might take even longer. I don't want to feel rushed on this because I can only do so much in a certain amount of time.

My husband expects me to have the attic and garage cleared out in a couple of weeks. I don't know if that is possible when I have to do so many other things as well. My future boss, the owner of the pilates studio hasn't said anything in a while but a couple of months ago she was asking me about when I will work for her, and mentioning it to clients that I may be an instructor there in the near future. My mom also said they had been chatting about me, about when I might work there.

So I have been feeling a bit of pressure to please everyone. But why? Why am I so concerned about how others feel when they don't get exactly what they expect when they expect it? I can't please everyone, and I certainly can't mach up to everyone's expectations, so why am I stressing to do this?

Since I was a child I have tried to please my parents, to show them that I was a 'good', 'well-behaved' daughter. Now I am trying to display myself as a 'good', 'responsible' adult. To my husband, I am attempting to prove to him that I am a 'good wife'.

I know why it is I am trying so hard to make everyone happy. It is because I don't want to lose them, and be left alone. Because if that were to happen I would be all by myself, facing myself having to accept who I am. I have defined who I am through what others think of me. I can't do that. Everyone has their own opinions and judgments. That doesn't mean that they are correct. That doesn't mean that I am only worthy if others think I'm worthy. Self worth is ONLY found within self, and we are all equals as living beings, searching for worth outside of ourselves as we try to please others with not only our actions, but our knowledge, out looks, clothes, cars, houses, furniture, ability to play music, you name it, we all do it. Why can't we accept who we are, without the constant desire to search for acceptance from others?

Many take it beyond just acceptance and pressure themselves, their children, and spouses to having to win, to be the best. I think this is how I felt growing up with my dad as he would push me to do things perfectly and fuss at me when I made mistakes. I became so afraid to make a mistake because I didn't want to get yelled at and looked down apon like a fool. I definitely had my worth build on his reactions to me. He is an intelligent person who became successful with determination, knowledge, and hard work. He has said to me before that I can do anything I set my mind to, and I have allways desired to be the best at whatever I attempted, wether it be singing, playing piano, art, English, whatever it was, I tried to give it my all. But I have always had trouble setting my mind to anything for any length of time. I think that has to do with fear of making a mistake, so I just would give up when things got difficult before I had the chance to fail. I would move on to something else that I thought I might be 'the best' at. Now I realize that I don't have to be the best. I now can enjoy these activities I mentioned without judgment.

So back to the 'pleasing others' part. I'm still pressuring myself to do it. I blame it on them pressuring me, but it's really me pressuring myself to please them, because if I didn't care to please them so much I wouldn't feel pressure in the first place!Time to start loving myself unconditionallyand accept myself for who I am, not for what others want me to be.

26 – Chocolate – sf and scs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore myself.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to use chocolate as a distraction to make myself ignore my emotions instead of paying attention to my emotions, and finding a solution to make a change in what it is I am displeased with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted/dependent on chocolate.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I need to pay attention to my emotions because they are born from my thoughts which are a reflection of myself, and are a message to tell me that 'there is something that I'm not accepting that needs to be looked at and changed'.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to reach out to something outside of me to 'fix' my problem, instead of facing my problem myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take 'the easy way out' instead of standing up and taking charge of the situation.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am unable to find a solution so I might as well 'give up' and try to ignore the problem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate on finding a solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be lazy.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I am being lazy but instead make myself think there is no solution.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe there is no solution so I might as well forget about the problem.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use chocolate to stimulate my senses so I can forget about and ignore my problem.

When and as I desire chocolate to distract me when I am feeling stressed, I stop, I breath, I do not allow myself to ignore my emotions. I realize that in ignoring my emotions and covering up my issue with chocolate, I am abdicating responsibility and only perpetuating the problem further. I commit myself to listen to myself instead of using an outside substance to feel a 'high' in order to ignore myself. I commit myself to stand up and take responsibility and find a solution when there is something I am not accepting within myself so I can learn to trust myself and take control of my life.

25 – Chocolate! - to the root of the problem

I have been eating chocolate to distract myself from stress and anxiety. I have been feeling overwhelmed with all of the work I have to do on a daily basis, and I haven't really come up with a good plan to execute the work in a timely manner yet. I am stressed about getting my work done before the kids come home from school, because once they are home, I have to help them with homework and studying, cook dinner, give them a bath, get them a snack, brush their teeth, read to them, and have them read to me. I occasionally have to babysit the neighbor's kid after school as well.

The first thing I do after getting the kids ready for school and on the bus is write in my Journey to Life blog and read over the interviews and self forgiveness statements that pertain to my writing. Then I shower and go to Pilates class. I return home, eat and load up the washer. Next, I work on DIP homework and read blogs. I clean the floors and fold clothes, and if I have time, work on purging clutter, selling, and organizing. Some days I fertilize and water all plants, some days I change and launder all the bedding, some days I clean the playroom. During spring and Summer, I am also busy pulling weeds, watering, and caring for the pond (with its filter and pump needing to be cleaned weekly), and the fish. I definitely have my plate full. And let's not forget about the half – eaten animals and all their, blood, fur and feathers I clean up and dispose of. Sometimes the blood gets in the carpet and I have to scrub it out, which takes even more time. If it's not body parts I'm cleaning, it's pee. The cats keep marking their territory all over the house, and cat pee has a very strong odor that is difficult to get out!

I would like to be able to study during the day, so when the kids are in bed, or mostly in bed, I can relax. But I haven't found a way to incorporate that in my daily schedule yet. So at night, as I try to study, I am constantly being interrupted by my sweet little Alex, who either can't sleep, has a nightmare, is hungry, or thirsty, just wants yet another hug and kiss, or doesn't feel good. Even on those rare occasions when I do get to study before the kids get home, when I finally get to relax and watch a show after the kids' bedtime, Alex is coming downstairs every few minutes in need of something, and I end up pausing the show multiple times.

So I feel like I am not able to attain my certification in the time I had planned. I have the owner of the studio, my parents, and my husband asking me when I'm going to be certified and I feel pressure to get it done quickly. I was thinking I could possibly test for it within four and a half months if I study two hours a day, but I'm not always able to study for that length of time on a daily basis, and some of the information is very confusing for me, especially the equation formulas. I wish I had a teacher to answer my questions and I feel like I need more time during the day to complete everything I need to do.

My husband is also pressuring me to get the clutter cleared out of the attic and the garage and I don't want to disappoint him. I'll spend four hours throwing out trash, sorting piles of stuff according to charity or sales, and reorganize the attic. When I show him he says he doesn't see any difference. All he does is point out what need to be done and ask about the stuff that I haven't gotten to yet. That sucks! I wish he would see all the work I am putting into this instead of complaining about needing to get it done sooner. I have to tell him exactly what I do so he can appreciate what has already been done and stop worrying about what hasn't been done yet!

Studying and homework with the kids is a task in itself. Especially when they don't try to think about what they need to be learning. I feel frustrated with wasting time when my kid daydreams as we are attempting to memorize spelling or learn new math. And while I'm helping one kid, the other is constantly asking me for something as well. It gets pretty noisy and confusing.

The kids aren't paying attention. The kids are distracting. I feel pressure from parents, husband, and future boss about getting certified, and I feel pressure from husband about housework. I don't have enough time to do everything that is expected of me. Chocolate break!!!!

24 – Chocolate! - used as a distraction – aka: “emotional eating”

I LOVE chocolate! I eat one to three small pieces of dark chocolate just about every day. By small I mean less than one square inch, so it really it not that much. I choose extra dark because the taste stays in my mouth much longer, so it is more satisfying, plus it is more healthy when it is darker because it's loaded with the antioxidants. The latter is the excuse I use to allow myself to eat this delicious piece of heaven on a daily basis.

Okay, so here is the 'problem'. A small amount of chocolate on a daily basis is not going to hurt me, the 'problem' is the addiction I sometimes allow myself to succumb to. This addiction happens because I am giving up my will to direct myself. I allow myself to become addicted to the feeling I get from eating chocolate to a point where I feel like I NEED it. I am giving my power and control away to a substance outside of myself – to chocolate! I am allowing myself to be dependent on an outside source to satisfy my desire. I have created this desire through the addiction and the dependency on chocolate.

So why am I giving up my power, my control? Why am I allowing myself to rely on chocolate to satisfy my desire and to ultimately 'save' me? I eat it when I am stressed. I use it as a distraction, to ignore how I feel, to push my mind to think happy thoughts. I am using chocolate as a means to not face myself. Wherein I need to be facing self and writing self out so I can get to the root of the problem that is causing me to feel stressed.

I lie to myself when I use the excuse that dark chocolate is healthy, that's why I eat it. Yes, it has been shown to be healthy, but I need to acknowledge that I am using this as an excuse to not realize the real reason I eat it so often, the real reason I desire it on a daily basis. Excuses are only lies to the self, and I don't want to continue lying to myself.

I know I go in and out of chocolate addiction. Sometimes I completely forget about it for months. Sometimes I eat it on occasion to get a feeling of excitement to perk myself up from boredom, and then there are those times, when day by day, I allow myself to become dependent on it as soon as I feel bad, nervous, stressed, and/or bored. When I am dependent I usually desire the chocolate, at around noon, after lunch, when I don't want the pleasure of eating to end, when helping the kids with homework and studying, in attempt to cover the stress with good feelings, or when I'm working on something that takes a lot of mental power. I also crave it at night, just as I'm settling down to have some 'me time', like I need it to make the best out of the time I have to relax.

So I no longer want to allow myself to give my power away to chocolate. I want to face myself and direct myself, to use writing and self forgiveness and self corrective application to overcome this addiction, this dependency on something outside of me. I am taking back the power!

Self forgiveness and self corrective statements to come.

23 – De-clutter objects de-clutter mind – procrastination sf and sc

I had been procrastinating on getting my 'homework' done for DIP, and for daily journal writing. I used the excuse that it is more important to clear the clutter first, so I can think more clearly. I felt like clearing the clutter would motivate me, and help me to calm down to the point where I can sit down for as long as it takes to do my work, and not feel anxious.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to procrastinate.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, when something is asked of me to be done or something is required of me to be done within a moment – say; “Nah, I'll do it later, I don't want to do it now” - instead of moving myself to do it here in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be trapped within the 'now' of conciousness by not doing what is required of me to be done in the moment, thereby accumulating 'unfulfilled' moments within myself – whereby I am literally still trapped in those moments – and thus, of the past.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to walk as breath, wherein I, in every moment, direct myself within what is here and what is required to be done – in the moment, immediately.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest a habitual behavior of laziness through constantly and continuously procrastinating – putting things off for the future – creating and manifesting the as laziness as a drug in my mind, to which I've become addicted.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become addicted to the feeling of laziness as a drug in my mind – whereby I have come to believe that I am unable to move and direct myself in my world – completely accepting myself as the self-definition of 'I am a lazy person' and 'I am an unable to write unless I have the clutter cleared first' – through which I limit myself to the utmost degree.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to laziness and the feeling of laziness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as unmotivated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe something outside of me is required to motivate me instead of me directing myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to do anything, unless I can see an unpleasant consequence if I am not able to do what I require to do -in the near future.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to unconditionally move myself in every moment – but instead, put things off to a later moment, until I am almost too late and see that if I don't quickly do what I am supposed to do, I'll get into trouble.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the threat and anticipation of trouble to move me instead of me moving myself as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing punishment and reward to exist as the two motivators in my world, in myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only do something if I will be rewarded for it, or if not doing it will cause me to experience punishment.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to discipline myself within moving and directing myself in every here moment – but instead allow myself to 'slack' and 'slip' into laziness.

I forgive myself for not applying self-will in every moment, where I will myself to live as me in self-movement, self-direction, self -responsibility and self-honesty in every here moment.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to apply self-will when there is a task at hand, to will myself in walking through the resistance and getting it done – but instead, allow myself to use excuses and justifications to make me believe that it is 'okay' to procrastinate and be lazy.

When and as I want to give into procrastination, and make excuses to not do my DIP or Journey to Life 'homework' here and now, so I can do what I feel I'll get rewarded for first, like clearing the clutter, I stop, and breath deeply, bringing myself back here in this moment. I realize that I am only giving into the addiction of the drug of the mind of laziness and I am allowing it to become who I am instead of me directing me. I commit myself to pay attention to my reasoning and excuses when I don't want to do something, and to stand up and direct myself to do what needs to be done, here, now in this moment.

22 – de-clutter objects de-clutter mind – guilt self forgiveness and self corrective statement

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in guilt.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that guilt is real and that guilt actually exists.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I can only feel guilty if I believe that I have done something 'wrong'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within morality of 'right' and 'wrong'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, within morality, simply try to 'do the right thing' and 'perform my duty' without actually taking responsibility, but simply try to 'keep my hands clean'.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate and realize my role within a certain situation and event – and direct myself and take self responsibility accordingly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – when guilt arises, instead of stopping the guilt and taking self-responsibility – complain to another, taking on the character of self pity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – instead of doing what is best for all, and best for myself as well, in self honesty – to procrastinate and make excuses why 'it can wait', just to feed my desires to do something more entertaining in the moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when I am not honest as in divulging the 'truth' – even if it would be the self honest thing to do.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when someone else reacts to what I say.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty when someone else is disappointed in me.

When and as I feel guilt for not doing what I need to do, what is best for all, and what is best for me as well, by choosing to complete only one task instead of slowing down and working on a bit of ALL my tasks and being patient, I stop, I breath, I do not allow myself to procrastinate on other important jobs or make excuses why I need to complete only one specific job in self dishonesty because I WANT to do one job more than the others. Instead I do not follow my self-dishonest excuses for procrastination, I slow myself down, so I do not rush myself, and do what I need to do, bit by bit. I commit myself to take a look at my situation in self honesty, and take a look at what I am allowing to drive my desires weather it be fear or boredom, I write it out to see myself, face myself in self honesty, apply self forgiveness, and move forward in doing what is best for all.