58- SF and SCS on Fear of losing a child:

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing my child’ to fear and thus – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

 

My children are my creation.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose my creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing my creation’ to fear and thus – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear of loss to be the very nature of who I am.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create from a starting point of fear of loss, instead of realizing that my creation is equal and one as me and therefore, I cannot lose my creation, because my creation is me.

 

My creation is myself.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing myself’ to fear and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will lose myself, within this implying that I am able to ‘get lost’. Thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is possible to ‘be lost’, within the realization that I am here always.

 

 

 

My life is ‘happy, loving, and fulfilled’ as a parent to my two boys.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and label my life- situation as ‘happy, loving, and fulfilled’ as a parent to my two boys, in realizing that within this judgment of happy, there is also the polarity of the mind that is sad, and in this judgment of loving, there is also the polarity of the mind of hate, and within the judgment of fulfillment, there is also the polarity of the mind that is un-fulfillment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity manifestation of the mind, instead of realizing myself as here in the physical.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that happiness exists.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that happiness only exists, because sadness exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within being in a parent-child relationship with my two boys.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within spending time with my children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness outside and separate from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to ‘find’ happiness somewhere ‘out there’ separate from me, instead of investigating why I am not happy with who I am in every moment and to change whatever it is that I am not happy with.

 

 

 I view my ‘happy, loving and fulfilled’ life as ‘good quality’.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the quality of life I am currently enjoying as a parent to my two boys.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘losing the quality of life that I am currently enjoying as a parent to two boys’ to fear and thus – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

 

When and as I fear to lose my children, I stop, I breathe. I realize that fear of loss is the origin of my nature, I created from a starting point of fear of loss and therefore created more and more in an attempt to ‘make my creation more real’  - to just not lose my creation. I realize that my children are ‘my creation’ whom I have become attached to and dependent on emotionally, and I understand that it is I choosing to participate in the polarity manifestation of the mind.

 I commit myself to bring myself back here in the physical by breath and investigate the separation I am allowing as I choose to live in the polarity manifestation of the mind, so that I may know myself to be and live as one, equal with my creation. 

 

When and as fear losing my happiness if I lose my children, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I have defined happiness within being a mom to my children, whereby I require to be in the parent-child relationship, dependent on beings separate from self, to be able to feel ‘happy’. I realize also that happiness originates from suppressed emotions and therefore inherently, happiness can exist if negative experiences exist, such as sadness and disappointment and that happiness is therefore part of a polarity manifestation of the mind.

I commit myself to continuing on with writing out self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to live in self-honesty so I will accept myself as the expression of joy of life within as oneness and equality.

 

57 – Reacting in fear and anger to possible loss of child.

 

Everything stopped as soon as I got a phone call from my sons’ school, about 2 and a-half hours after I put my sons on the bus. A message from their school phone call said my youngest son was absent from school. How could this be?? I quickly thought of all the possibilities of where my son could be. He’s only six years old and he could have been kidnapped.

 

The music I had been joyfully singing along to a minute ago now became my enemy as I quickly found my phone and called the school back. Anger rushed through me as I fumbled for the ‘STOP’ button on the CD player. “Where the hell is the stupid stop button!?” I thought. I found it, stopped the music, and breathed.

 

I told the school secretary about the message I had just received from the school, about Alexander being absent, (yet he should be at school). I waited frantically as she put me on hold, just for her to say - “Yes, he is marked absent today”. I assumed she would just ask his teacher by intercom before checking anything else to make sure he was there since I had phoned her about it.  Instead I had to wait, with all this frantic nervousness going on within. She put me on hold again to check with his teacher, (finally). More thoughts raced through my head as I waited again. In a moment’s time, the secretary was back on the phone, and she said, “We have it all taken care of, he’s in his classroom.” I felt a rush of relief, and then a small tinge of frustration that she didn’t apologize for the school’s mess up that caused me to ride this emotional roller coaster.

 

I realize that I had this emotional reaction because of this fear I have within me. I fear to lose my children, my creation. I have written about this before, and done self-forgiveness as well, yet, if I could call this little ‘mishap’ a test of relational-independency I’d have to say I didn’t pass. The rush of intense emotions I reacted in told me so.

 

56 – Friction Within

I bent my thumbnail backwards. I wasn’t paying attention to my physical body and forced my thumb too close against the cabinet door, bending my thumbnail backwards. I immediately reacted in anger. There, then, I realize the friction within me because of this reaction.  What is the friction inside coming from? Why am I holding anger within myself? 

 

My kids have been home with me just about the entire week. I have not had much time in silence, to get things done from start to finish. I have been very busy picking lice and eggs out of my youngest son’s hair, and washing a lot of laundry. I also have spent much more time than I’m used to preparing meals and cleaning dishes. This on top of the usual tasks I do, like pond, garden, yard work, caring for and cleaning up after five animals, biking, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, scrubbing (white) cabinets, trim, walls, doors, and floors, has kept my muscles a bit sore and my mind cluttered.

 

Even if my muscles can handle a workout at the studio, I don’t think I feel up to going. But I do feel pressure to go. I feel like I’m disappointing my mom and the studio owner every time I can’t make it to class, and that has been more often than I would like.

 

Migraines, sick kids, and kids with lice, have kept me bound to home.  After a week with the kids out of school, I have so much stuff to do. Now that the kids are in school I have time to get things done, before they get home at four-o-clock. After they get home, I will be spending the evening helping out with homework, studying, cooking, cleaning, reading to the kids and putting them to bed. My time will be up.

 

I’m back after a break. I have been cleaning up the creatures the cats brought in today, and the blood in the curtains and on the floors from the wounded bird that flew into the window with an already bloody wing. The bird ended up in the windowsill after a few chases from the cats back and forth. Just before capturing the bird, as I reached for it, the helpless little guy pooped from fright.

 

I go back to the inner-friction. Things don’t always go the way I plan, and that is fine, I can usually roll with it, but not when I already have something a mess in my head. I have realized that the friction and anger I have against these things happening is anger that is within me, and has nothing to do with ‘things’, and everything to do with self acceptance and allowance. I realize that I bent my nail back, hurt myself because I am not aware. I am in my head instead.

 

I need to speak up for myself. I need to talk to my mom and the studio owner and trainer about this issue with me not being able to meet up to their expectations. I am creating friction within me because I am not facing myself and speaking up about what it is that I feel.  I am not living as myself, my living word, instead I am only attempting to please another. But I have no responsibility on pleasing others. I can’t please everyone all the time. Things come up, they have to realize that and I have to be comfortable with myself enough to not let their disappointment get to me.

 

All these things are ideal to place blame on and not face self. Facing self is what I must do to release this friction within me. Blame will get me nowhere.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will lose myself, within this implying that I am able to ‘get lost’. Thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is possible for me to ‘be lost’, within the realization that I am here, always.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect losing self to fear and thus – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing a chance at getting a job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing a chance at getting a job’ to fear and thus – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing friendship with my mom and studio owner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing my friendship with my mom and studio owner’ to fear and thus- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear of loss to be the very nature of who I am.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create from a starting point of fear of loss, instead of realizing that my creation is equal and one as me and therefore, I cannot lose my creation, because my creation is me.

 

When and as I notice myself bumping into things, hurting myself, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this is due to lack of awareness, and that I am ‘living’ in my mind, not in the physical and that I am in my mind because of this friction within me that I have face. I commit myself to face myself, face my fears, apply self-forgiveness and stand up for myself. I commit myself to not take responsibility for another’s emotions, but to take responsibility for my own.