49 – Working in Haste – self forgiveness and self corrective application statements

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself and my life to be governed by time.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed time to come before self.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'not having enough time' to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allow myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'not having enough time' to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear running out of time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'running out of time' to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am wasting time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'wasting my time' to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be late.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'being late' to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear 'losing track' of the time.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'losing track of the time' to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety when I think I will not complete my assignment in the time it is expected of me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety while wanting to 'get fast' to a certain point or place.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety when having to wait standing in line – thinking that I am wasting my time and running out of time.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety when I see people working at a slow pace.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be taken over by an energetic mind possession of haste when I believe or see I don't have enough time to complete a certain task or project, while I believe this task to be very important.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose time.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect 'losing time' to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

When and as I feel possessed by the energy of haste, I stop, I breathe, I bring myself out of my thoughts back here in the physical. I realize that I am here, participating in this very moment working on this task, and I do not to be in my head 'a-head' of myself, worrying about the future/having this completed in the time I feel is expected of me. I commit myself to prioritize my time effectively and discipline myself to pay attention to the completion of a particular task or project.

48 – Working in Haste

I have little patience while working to get things done and feel the need to use every moment of my time to focus only on this. A strong urge to get started on my work and to complete it with no interruptions plagues me. If there are any interruptions that might slow me down from one task, disappointment sets in and I will usually move on to something else that needs to be done so I don't feel I'm 'wasting time'. I tell myself, “I will get back to this interruption and solve the issue when I have more time.”

One example is my journey to life blog. I already had a blog I had been writing in and also wrote on the Desteni forum. I felt that it was a waste of my time to set up a new blog just for the sake of naming it differently, so I procrastinated with the set up, and chose to continue writing on the forum instead. It took me a few months and some encouragement from my buddy before I decided to set up my Journey to Life blog.

Two more examples are my 'failed' attempts to log onto the leadership forum and the Journey to Life ratings. I have tried to retrieve my 'lost' password to the leadership forum because the one that I was using no longer worked, but I still have no new password, or any idea of how to get one. Recently when I attempted to register my JTL blog in the ratings, somehow the password I entered, even though it was new, as I was just singing up, was not working. When I requested a 'forgotten password' to be sent to my email, I received no reply, not even in spam. I was 'wasting time', doing things that got me nowhere, so I told myself, “I'll do it later”, with the thought that I PROBABLY will do it later, MUCH later.

These things that aren't working for me are slowing me down from my daily tasks that I so desire to complete in a timely manner. I get frustrated with trying to figure something out that takes much longer than expected when I can accomplish so much doing what I know.

I feel 'rushed' to complete my task at hand and frustrated with anything that slows me down. I'm allowing my emotions to be controlled by circumstances. It's hard for me to do only 'half a task' as I feel the need to do it all....NOW! Fear of loss of valuable time is embedded in my mind! So I will continue on with writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to realize where this fear has originated and to disable it.

48 – Why I labeled myself – 5

I became jealous when my mom bragged about how good a singer someone else was, when not saying anything about me. I've gotten over that, it doesn't bother me anymore because I feel I have a good relationship with my mom and I feel like she appreciated me fro me. I still become jealous when my partner admires a woman singer he hears on the radio. I want to be the one he admires, I feel threatened that this other woman is taking away 'my specialty'.

Jealousy- jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.

-mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.

-vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.

-a jealous feeling, disposition, state, or mood.

dictionary.reference.com

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become jealous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others through comparing myself to them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in comparison to other people as 'more than' or 'less than' them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the polarity design of 'inferiority' and 'superiority'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing 'inferiority' to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'inferiority' exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing 'superiority' to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'superiority' exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel threatened by beings that I see as 'superior' to me, therefore using nastiness, spite, and gossip to exalt myself as ego above the other being within my mind – so that I can feel like I have 'won' and the other being 'lost'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and destroy whoever I am jealous about – through nastiness, spite and gossip.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my own judgments – instead of realizing that in jealousy lies an opportunity for me to assist and support myself in learning from the person I am 'jealous' about – so that I equalize myself with this being.

When and as I feel jealous, I stop, I breathe. I realize that jealousy arises from comparison and self judgment and these are only in the polarity construct of the mind, which perpetuates separation. I commit myself, instead of feeling spite for the person I am jealous of, to focus on living and expressing myself as what I am comparing myself to in another being.

 

47 – Why I Labeled Myself a 'Singer' – 4

Beauty! “Such a beautiful singer!”

There is no 'beauty' without 'ugly', therefore it is only in comparison and judgment in the mind that beauty exists, in the polarity manifestation of 'beauty' vs. 'ugly'. Desire to find acceptance (in this case by means of being beautiful to others), stems from, comparison, self judgment and a lack of self acceptance.

Beauty – the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations 9as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest.

dictionary.reference.com

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define beauty according to how well I sing

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire to be a beautiful singer.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to wish to be as beautiful a singer, as some of the popular ones on the radio.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accepted myself – and the only way I would accept myself is if I am a beautiful singer.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to love myself – and because I do not love myself I will attempt to be a beautiful singer in order to be in a relationship, to be loved.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the construct and belief of having to be loved, instead of me loving myself as who I am.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to sing to sound better than other women.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other women.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as who I am, and because I judge myself, I would attempt to be the most beautiful singer to hide the judgment of me that exists within me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hide myself behind my 'talent' in singing.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to consider accepting myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to consider loving myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that I am not beautiful enough, and that I'm required to have a 'special talent' to 'fit in' with society and all the other women.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to attempt to be the most beautiful singer because of the singers I see and hear on TV. and the radio that look and sound so beautiful, I also want look and sound like them so I practice at sounding just like them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am boring and plain without having a 'special talent' and 'not acceptable' without having a 'special talent', that I have to work hard at sounding just like the famous singers.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to sing beautifully to be noticed.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use my voice as an 'antenna' for me to say, “I am here. Look, listen to my beautiful voice, I have to be in a relationship, I don't accept myself, I don't love myself. I can only accept myself if I am in a relationship and when I get attention from others who think I sing beautifully”. I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that in attempting to be a beautiful singer to others for reasons and purposes separate than me: that is of the mind, I actually become older, less attractive much faster.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept my human physical body and my voice as one with me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my human physical body and my voice.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that my human physical body and my voice might actually be showing me /telling me something when I have less control and more scratchiness in my singing – and that I'm actually able to 'correct' this through self -forgiveness and self application in every moment, so that my human physical body and my voice as me may express me as who I am within and as oneness and equality of life.

When and as I feel the need to have a special talent to sing beautifully to impress others, I stop, I breathe. I realize within breath, and bringing self back here, out of my mind of judgment and separation and into the physical, that I am equal to and one with all life and that this comparison I hold between myself and others is a statement of me not accepting myself as who I am. It is a statement that I am searching for acceptance from others by attempting to seem better than others. I commit myself to find acceptance within self, by writing about what self doesn't accept, and standing up within self to change what self doesn't accept.

46 – why I labeled myself – 3

I felt the need to identify myself as a 'singer' because I desired to be in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my partner (whom I desire to stay in relationship) through accepting and allowing myself to define my love and acceptance within my partner, outside and separate from myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to search for myself outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I've 'lost' myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I've able to find myself outside of myself – instead of realizing and accepting that: I am here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow my desires.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blindly follow my desires, believing that these desires are who I am and that it is in my benefit to now act on my desires – when actually desires are merely sexual energy that was transferred into my mind and that such desires exist to distract me from myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from everything and everyone that exists.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself as equal and one as all as everything that exists.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see myself as 'less than'/ 'inferior' to others.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I desire something, it is because I believe that that which I desire can 'give me' something, as thought that something is not already who I am.

I forgive myself for not accepting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts that 'I am not complete without a partner'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to be in a relationship with someone in order for me to be complete and satisfied with myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I am in a relationship, I am still here and I am still me and nothing has actually changed in relation to 'who I am'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to have a sexual orgasmic experience in order for me to be complete and satisfied with myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that an orgasmic experience only lasts for a moment and then I am back to being with myself and that 'who I am' has not actually changed – therefore, the organic experience did not actually complete me, fulfill or satisfy me.

When and as I feel the need to label myself as 'something special', as a 'singer', so that I can be admirable to others and to be/stay in a relationship, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am here as equal to one and to all that is here in focusing on breathing and self awareness. I realize that I do not require support, love and appreciation from being in a relationship. I can find self appreciation and self love through supporting myself. I commit myself to support myself by listening to myself, my emotions, by writing out my thoughts, feelings and emotions and forgiving myself for whatever I do that is not best for myself and for all, and making a change that I and all life can appreciate.

45 – Why I labeled myself - 2

I not only desired to prove myself to my family, but I also desired to prove I am someone to myself. I feared the loss of myself if I could not define myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will lose myself, within this I am able to get 'lost'. Thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is possible for me to 'be lost', within the realization that I am here, always.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'losing myself' to fear and thus - fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to lose my identity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'losing my identity' to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear 'losing my talent'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'losing my talent' to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to lose my creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing 'losing my creation' to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist as fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear of loss to be the very nature of who I am.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create from a starting point of fear of loss, instead of realizing that my creation is equal and one as me and therefore, I cannot lose my creation, because my creation is me.

When and as I fear the loss of myself, my identity, my talent, my creation, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I cannot lose myself because any definition of who I am is only judgment, and a separation from all life. I realize that as judgment, identity, and definition of who I am disappears, I am still here, the being behind the label, equal and one as life only as I live through breath and not within my mind. I commit myself to continue discovering who I am behind the labels I have for so long accepted and allowed and even depended on through fear.

44-Why I Labeled Myself “A Singer”

Here are some reasons why I felt the need to be someone with a special talent and label myself a singer:

1. fear in relation to family

2. fear of loss

3. desire (to be in a relationship)

4. beauty

5. jealousy

First, I had fear in relation to family. I wanted desperately to prove myself to my parents, that I am someone they can love and be proud of, not someone they are ashamed of. So I searched for something I was good at, and became it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'my family' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'my parents' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that my parents do not love me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'my parents not loving me' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that my parents will judge me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'my parents judging me' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be afraid when my parents yell at me.

I forgiver myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'my parent's yelling at me' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be afraid when my parents are angry at me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'my parents being angry with me' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to disappoint my parents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'disappointing my parents' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents not appreciating me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'my parents not appreciating me' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

To be continued..

43-This is who I am

I am a 'singer'. I began as a child, singing my own made-up songs. In Middle school I joined the choir, and discovered my voice is a soprano. I stayed in choir all through middle, Jr. high, and as a freshman in high school, I auditioned for advanced choir and got in as a soprano. Our advanced choir was invited to sing at Carnegie Hall in New York that year, but I lost my chance at that life-time opportunity because I was kicked down to intermediate choir due to a 'no freshman in advanced choir' rule.

I was furious I missed out, and bummed out that I was 'stuck' in the intermediate choir, which was much less disciplined than I preferred. I was pissed that they came up with that rule months after I had been singing in advanced, especially since I auditioned for it and 'earned' my way in, but now that I think about it, maybe they made that rule because they didn't want the responsibility of any freshmen going to New York.

In all these years in a choir, singing, I labeled myself as 'a singer'. That was what I was good at, so that is what I wanted to be known as. I wanted to prove not only to myself that I can be really good at something, but I want to prove it to my parents as well. I felt the need to be the number one singer in my parent's eyes. It went to so far that I would get jealous whenever they would brag about another female singer with a beautiful voice.“What about me?” I thought, “I'm good!”

When my boyfriend at the time or even current husband would tell me about how much he liked a certain female singer, I would feel threatened. That is supposed to be MY specialty, that is what makes me important, worthwhile. I would take it as they didn't think I was any good, or that I was just okay, while these other singers were astonishing. I wanted to be the one to cast a spell over my man with my lovely voice, not some other woman! Dang, she's all up in my game, and that's not cool!

Singing was the one thing that made me proud of myself. I auditioned for the only soprano 1 spot in Madrigals and won. I auditioned for a solo in advanced choir recital and won. Singing was my forte. It was what raised my self esteem. It was what would keep people interested in me. I am a singer, this is who I am!

Years later, as I grew older, my larynx became damaged from silent gastro-intestional reflux. As I realized within the past few years that I don't have the same control over my voice as I used to I also realized I am losing my one talent that made me special. I went through a grieving phase at this loss of self. During this phase of grieving, I really felt hurt, and vulnerable whenever someone would tell me about how beautiful some other chic sings. What am I now?

I have used singing as a crutch for my self esteem all these years. Now my crutch is gone, and I'm a limping cripple. I have no specialty to keep people interested in me. I have nothing better to give to my husband or my parents, to make them proud. I am no longer “a singer”, even though I still sing on a daily basis. I don't expect anyone to be in awe with my singing, since I am only mediocre now. People can no longer judge me as the great singer. I have lost that. Now it is just me, without special talent, standing as self, as no better than others, but as equal to others.

Recently when my mom brought up a beautiful singer she heard on “The Voice”, I didn't feel jealous. I am not exactly sure what has changed, maybe I've accepted that fact that I can no longer sing so beautifully, that that dream is dead. Maybe I feel my mom accepts me for who I am since we've been spending so much time together lately. But I still get a little jealous when my husband plays the same Lorde songs over and over as he marvels at her beautiful voice and cool music. That can now never be me. I think being the one to 'woo' my man is sexy, and makes me feel more self assured in intimacy, now he's being 'woo-d' by some other woman.

It is in nature's program to attract the other mate with beauty whether it be sight, smell or sound. Peacocks spread their colorful feathers to attract the peahens. Fire-flies attract mates with their flashing lights. Cardinals sing songs back and forth to each other while perched on different branches. It is all in the desire to be the 'special one' that the other chooses to be with.

So as I let go of this label, as a singer, I let go of competition and separation from others. I am not above anyone. I now strive to realize myself as equal to and one with all life, and that means no more labels and no more comparison. I have to appreciate and accept self as I am equal to others, not as I feel the need to be better. For the need to be better arises from the feeling of not being good enough. I am focusing on removing myself from this polarity of the mind.

42 – Instilling Trust, Security, and Stability in Children

I've noticed through my own experience of being a parent of almost ten years, that the more stable the home environment is, the more stable they are. In stability, I'm talking about not only a routine, but also stability in what they can expect from a parent when they mess up. I used to react immediately in anger, even if it was a raised voice, a demeaning manner in which I spoke, even for a second, it was enough to place fear and instability in my child. My child needs to know what he can expect, that he can trust me enough to be able to tell me when something is wrong without fearing my reaction. Otherwise, he will lie in attempt to keep from getting punished, or getting a reaction of disappointment from me whom he only wants to please.

I have two boys now, one almost ten and one that is six. I'm afraid I have already done some damage on the ten year old in the ways I used to react when he misbehaved, or spilled something. I was so stressed all the time, that when one more thing went wrong, I took out my stress on my kid. I would say such things as “I can't believe you did that!” in a demeaning manner. Such simple little words can really hurt a child's self esteem, I now realize. It's all in how I speak to him. I learned this before my second child was born, so I think he doesn't have quite the same self esteem issues as my first child does.

I wish I would have known this before, how much a reaction can hurt a child, but I was only following in my parents' footsteps – reacting in anger when something goes wrong. React, before thinking, and you end up speaking in ways you wish you hadn't. That's when something goes wrong – when kids won't trust me enough to be able to tell me when they are having a problem with something big because they will be too afraid of my reaction.

Kids make mistakes, and they learn from them, but they shouldn't have to feel guilt and shame to learn from their mistakes. They need to know they can trust the parent enough to go to the parent when they need help. They can learn by consequence other than a parent's demeaning reaction of disappointment in them.

Consequence such as if a child doesn't listen to the parent when he has been told not to go near the street while playing outside, the parent needs to warn the child that if he goes past a certain point, say within a few feet of the street, he will lose his privilege of playing outside for the day (or for what ever time being the parent believes is right for the child's age). The child learns that he needs to listen to the parent or he'll lose a privilege. No need to place shame in him, just follow the parent's rules or pay the consequence.

Another point, a huge point I've realized, consequence is a natural part of life and a parent must always follow through with the consequence. If I'm going to tell my son that their will be consequence if he doesn't listen, then I must follow through with that consequence, otherwise, he won't feel he has any reason to listen to me, because my words have no meaning. If my words have no meaning, and I'm the number one person my child looks up to, there is no stability for my child to depend on. I am the parent, I am the one to raise my children, to show them the way. I am their stability. I have to live my words. A parent cannot be weak, or the child will have absolutely no stability.

 

How do I teach my children to take care of themselves if there is no consequence for not following what I am teaching? If you eat unhealthy food all your life, you make yourself sick. A child cannot realize that in the short term of being a child, when it is so important to instill good eating habits. So the parent must make short term consequence for the child while teaching the importance of taking care if himself.

Real food is a must, not potato chips, and candy. My child is depending on me, their stability to teach them this. They didn't really like a lot of vegetables when they were younger, but now they do. We make habits and learn to like foods. Indians prefer Indian food, Asians prefer Asian food and so in. We make a habit of the foods we are raised on.

So how do my kids like vegetables now when they used to complain about them? A neat little 'trick' – feed them their veggies while they are really hungry. When they are finished eating their veggies, then they can eat the other foods they really prefer. And don't overdue it. If we don't like the way something tastes, it takes a little time for the taste to 'grow' on us. So I would only give my children one piece of what they don't like the first few times, while reminding them that if they avoid the food all together, they will never learn to like it and they will miss out on that food's particular health benefits. I slowly add more to their plate as they get used to it.

When once before my kids hated brussel sprouts and salads, after feeding them just a small amount at a time, now they ask for seconds. Just recently, my oldest, who used to complain that he 'hated' salads, asked for another bowl after finishing the first. When he used to only eat one brussel sprout, slowly, while complaining with every bite, he now eats four or five easily, with a smile on his face. When they want a special treat, they know they can eat it only after they eat something healthy because that is how we take care of ourselves.

Another cool improvement I've noticed recently, is with bedtime during sleep-overs. My kids used to stay up late, until the early morning hours, and wake up too early. They would only get maybe three or four hours of sleep, feel exhausted the next day, and when it came time to wake up for school Monday morning, they'd still feel too exhausted because they never had to chance to catch up on the sleep they needed. They would complain that they didn't want to go to school because they didn't want to have to wake up.

I came up with a consequence for their lack of sleep during sleep-overs. They were no longer allowed to have sleep-overs on a Saturday night since one night was not enough for catching up. After several months if this consequence, I gave them another chance at sleep-overs on Saturday nights. They could not complain or give me any trouble about going to school Monday morning. I recommended to them that they should go to bed at a decent time, no later then ten or eleven and I told them this while reminding them why. Not because “I said so”, but because if they go to bed too late, they will be exhausted the next two days and have trouble waking up for school. I told them that if they gave me any trouble on Monday morning about getting up and going to school, then I would take their Saturday night sleep-over privilege away again, for the rest of the school year.

They did not give me any trouble about going to school Mondays again, even though they still went to bed late Saturday night and didn't have much catch up sleep Sunday night. But after a while, they realized that it really is easier to just go to bed early during sleep-overs. I reminded them to try to go to bed at ten-o-clock when they slept over at their cousin's house recently and my brother told me the next day that when ten-o-clock came, they actually went straight to bed, without anyone telling them anything. They did it on their own because they didn't want to suffer the consequence of not getting enough sleep. They knew I wouldn't let them stay home from school to catch up, but instead I would take their Saturday night sleep-over privilege away. So they figured it out!

I was stable in my words. I followed through with the consequences. No longer do I react in anger to something they do 'wrong'. I don't shame my children. I don't spank my children. I don't need to. They know they have stability and trust within me. Now I'm not saying I am the 'perfect' parent, but I am realizing what a difference I have made within not reacting in anger or shame to their mistakes, with placing consequences for their actions, and with keeping my word. And what has helped me to realize my reactions, and stop placing blame of my reactions toward my children is what I 've learned through Desteni I Process and writing, as I have learned more about myself and what I have been accepting and allowing, such as instant reactions. Now I am taking responsibility for my own actions, and reactions, so that I am stable within myself and therefore stable for my children as well.

Me and my two boys :)

41- Little White Lies – “I can't do it”

 

I've been having problems with my back lately, where, if I lift something heavy, or repeat certain motions such as sweeping and mopping, certain back muscles 'flare up' and press against the sciatic nerve, causing shooting pains down my left leg. It becomes so painful that I cannot put any weight on that leg and in fact I usually stand in the same place for several minutes until eventually I hop to a comfortable place to sit.

Just a few days ago, as I was cleaning up dishes after dinner, I noticed a big heavy pot still filled with lentils that needed to be dumped out into a container for the refrigerator. I pictured myself lifting the pot with one hand, while scraping out the lentils into a bowl with the other hand causing me to strain my back into the sciatica again. I told my husband “I cannot clean out the pot of lentils, it's too heavy for me” then I thought “what would I do if he weren't here to help me? Would the pot stay full of lentils weeks on end?” Then I realized that I could scoop out the lentils by the spoonful, and yes, it would take considerably longer, but it could be done.

So saying “I can't do it” was in fact only partially the truth, only if I want to do it the quick way. But I can do it the slow way. Instead of taking responsibility of doing it the slow way, I abdicated responsibility to my husband because “it's much easier for him since he can do it the fast way”. I pretty much lied about not being able to clean out the pot, and I only consciously realized it after thinking about what I would do if he weren't here to help.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility to clean out the pot to my husband.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself about not being able to clean the pot because I was too lazy to clean it out the slow way.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be lazy.

I forgive myself that accepted and allowed myself to lie to my husband about not being able to clean out the pot.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself about not being able to clean out the pot.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I could clean out the pot, just in a different way than I would usually do it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to jump so quickly to conclusion about not being able to clean out the pot.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to brain-storm other ways to clean out the pot, but instead give up on being able to do it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself by automatically thinking that I could not clean out the pot, only because I couldn't clean it out the usual way that I do it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself instead of creating new ways to do things.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself only because I can no longer do things the same as I usually do them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself 'not being able to do things the usual way that I do them' as being 'victimized'.

When and as I notice myself immediately abdicating responsibility to another because of an aliment I am currently suffering, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am only giving up on myself because I have labeled myself as a “victim” that can 'no longer do things', when in fact, I am still able to do things, only in a different way. Instead of giving up responsibility because I label myself as a 'victim' who “can't do it”, I commit myself to think creatively about another way I can get the task done, therefore not becoming a victim, but only discovering a different way to do something.

40- Self Forgiveness and Corrective statements on Shopping – Game of Distraction

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to attempt to forget about the work I have to do by distraction from shopping.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to ignore my emotions when I think about the work I have to do instead of facing myself and working through self's issues.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate with the work I have to do and instead shop to forget about it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to become lazy with getting my work done in a timely manner.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create a game out of shopping where I 'win' when I find the best deal.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fool myself into believing that I am 'winning' a game when I find the best deal.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to 'play games' with myself by lying to self just to cover up emotions.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to attempt to cover up emotions with the excitement of finding the best deal.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to cover my emotions and forget about the work I have to do with the relaxing feeling of searching for the best deal.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to crave energy fluctuation between relaxation

and excitement.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to crave the feeling of relief when I realize that I don't have to spend money while 'playing the game', when in reality I don't have to play the game and spend money in the first place.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to place judgment on homework as boring/negative.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe in boredom, when it is only of the mind, of the way I chose to think and judge something by comparison to something that creates high energy.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to play the energy fluctuation polarity 'game' of the mind.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear homework.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear of boredom of homework.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to face my fear of boredom of homework, but instead to ignore it and suppress it with the distraction of playing games of shopping.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to suppress fear with energy fluctuation of relaxation and excitement.

When and as I desire to distract self from thoughts of boring homework, and procrastinate with shopping, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am only playing games with myself to forget the inevitable work I have to do, and that in this fear of boredom and desire for excitement, I'm enslaving myself to energy fluctuation of the polarity of the mind. I realize that in distracting myself from my emotions, and procrastinating with my work, I am feeding my fear of the work I have to do, as I suppress these thoughts pushing them into my subconscious mind, the fear compounds, and the work I am allowing myself to get behind on also becomes bigger and bigger. I commit myself to face my thoughts and emotions, to not ignore my thoughts and emotions but to write them out and sort myself out so that I may stand up and do what needs to be done.

39-Shopping – Game of Distraction

I had to get a prescription filled after Pilates class today and when I was at the drug store, I found myself desiring to stay longer after I received my birth control to purchase something. I also desired to buy something for my children. I get a 'rush' of excitement whenever I buy something for myself or for others. I have something new to bring home, that makes life less boring for a little while and I enjoy seeing my kids play with something new and different as well.

I know this is materialistic and only a distraction from boredom, or from whatever it is I want to be distracted from. I think in my case today, I wanted to be distracted from doing homework. I knew that as soon as I returned home I'd have work to do, and I didn't feel like doing it yet. I wanted to bathe in excitement and energy and make it last as long as possible before returning back to reality of what needs to be done.

So, yes, I am quite good at ignoring things when I choose. I have gotten this distraction thing down to a science! When I shop, I am in a whole new world, only focusing on what I am searching for. It is like a game – see if I can find the best product, with the most high-quality ingredients for the cheapest price. After spending quite some time reading the labels on many different products, I choose the best one and purchase it, feeling like I 'won' something with my knowledge of ingredients and recognition of the cheapest price.

I have become somewhat addicted to this relationship I have with searching for and discovering the best quality product for the best price. It is relaxing while I'm 'playing', and exciting when I 'win'. When I don't 'win', I often feel relief because I don't have to spend any money. Excitement when I win, relief when I don't win. It's a 'win – win' situation, see?!

Self forgiveness and self corrective application to come.

38 – Desiring beauty, judgment following society's definition of beauty, fear of cancer, ignoring cancer possibility, embarrassment

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from beauty through accepting and allowing myself to define my beauty within being tan/having perfect-looking skin, outside and separate from myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to search for myself outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to separate myself from here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I've 'lost' myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm able to find myself outside of myself – instead of realizing that I am here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow my desires.

I forgive myself That I've accepted and allowed myself to blindly follow my desires, believing that desires are who I am and that it is in my benefit to act on my desires- when desires are merely sexual energy that was transferred to my mind and that such desires exist to distract me from myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from everything and everyone that exists through attempting to be 'beautiful' with perfect skin.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as equal and one to everything and everyone that exists.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see myself as 'less than'/'inferior ' to others.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I desire pretty, tan skin, it is because I believe that pretty, tan skin can 'give me' beauty, as though beauty is not already who I am.

I forgive myself for not accepting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in nagging feelings that 'something's wrong', 'I am not complete', 'my skin is not pretty', 'I am not fulfilled' – and to believe such experiences to be real, to be me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to have pretty skin to keep my partner's attraction to me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in feelings that 'I am not complete without a partner', 'I am not fulfilled without a partner', and to believe that such experiences to be real, to be me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need/require to be in a relationship with someone in order for me to be complete, fulfilled and satisfied with myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I am not in a relationship, I am still here and I am still me and nothing has actually changed in relation to 'who I am'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear cancer.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear dying from cancer.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to ignore the possibility of getting cancer while sunbathing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live the statement 'ignorance is bliss'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to turn a blind eye to my health and well being so I can fulfill a desire to have pretty, tan skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait for my moles to look cancerous to motivate me to stand up, stop the self destructive behavior, and get tested, instead of me moving myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to deliberately ignore the dangers of sunbathing so I can continue on living in my 'no-coincidence bubble of happiness and beauty'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in deliberate self-dishonesty because I am afraid that I will be missing something if I don't get to relax while sunbathing during the spring and have pretty, tan skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge relaxing in the sun, while getting pretty, tan skin during the spring as 'the perfect experience', an experience that 'I cannot achieve out of the sun'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment from the Dr. about my skin being 'ugly'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed about the Dr. and her assistant to closely examine my entire naked body.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment from the Dr. that I look 'weird' and 'gross'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to worry about what other people say or think about me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how I believe other people see me – and therefore feel vulnerable and afraid of people seeing me naked with all my 'imperfections' uncovered.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that embarrassment is real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to an idea of myself in separation of me.

I forgive myself that I've not allowed myself to accept myself as who I am and to instead place acceptance in how I appear to others.

When and as I desire to sunbathe to achieve pretty, tan skin, to be prettier than others, to keep my partner interested in me, I stop I breath. I realize that who I am is here, equal and one to life in every breath and that I do not require to change my appearance to achieve beauty and acceptance, because I am already beauty within myself when I accept myself, which is the only way to true acceptance because I can only find acceptance within self. I do not require to be in a relationship to be fulfilled because I am always here, complete as who I am, in self acceptance, unchanged by outer appearance or relationships. I realize that when I desire power from outer appearance of beauty, that when the outer appearance of beauty is diminished, the 'power' is also diminished because it was never 'real power' in the first place. Real power is living in acceptance with self as equal to all life, standing up and following myself discipline to do what is best for all life as equals. I commit myself to continue writing self forgiveness and self corrective application so I can accept myself as who I am, as I appear, and see myself as equal to life, without desire to change myself or to feel the need to be a relationship.

When and as I am tempted to sunbathe for instant gratification and to ignore the possible consequence of skin cancer, I stop, I breathe. I realize that ignoring the possibility of cancer does not make it go away and that in ignorance, I may be causing damage to myself in the long term. I commit myself to face the possible consequences of harm to myself and face myself in self honesty.

When and as I feel embarrassment about being seen naked, close up by someone else, and ultimately fear being judged as 'gross', I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am fearing loss of acceptance from others because I am not completely accepting myself. I commit myself to continue on with DIP, and with writing, and continue on in self discipline by following myself corrective application so that I may gain self acceptance.