29 – power and control

I used to attempt to be the best. I wanted to be the best at singing, piano, gymnastics, drawing.... I figured out that when I did something really well, I received attention and praise from my parents. That is when I felt acceptance.

As a child, when I made mistakes, like leaving my bandage wrappers out on the counter or spilling chips on the floor, I would get yelled at. I felt like my parents thought I was stupid, and unworthy when I made mistakes, so I tried my hardest to not make any mistakes. I wanted desperately to please them.

But mistakes were bound to happen, even though I tried my best to not make them, and when I did, I felt powerless. I felt like I had no control over when I would spill milk, or when I forgot to bring home my school book needed for homework, and I hated feeling powerless. I had to hear the negative reactions from my parents because I had no control over my mistakes.

I felt like something was wrong with me because I kept forgetting important things. The time I left my purse at the restaurant, everyone in the car was aggravated with me because we had to turn the car around and go back to the restaurant to pick up my purse... and this happened more than once. I felt stupid and unaccepted. I felt I had no control over my brain remembering! It really sucked because I wanted so badly to remember, and to not make stupid mistakes, to not be the root of frustration for my family.

But I was. When I complained about my head hurting when my dad attempted to comb through knots in my hair, he'd get upset with me and fuss at me. When I peed in my bed, the reaction was, “What?! Again!” in a 'you should know better' kind of way. Shoot, I knew I didn't want to pee in my bed, but when I had dreams about peeing, I'd really pee!

My brother would call me a brat, and my mom agreed. I felt like it was unfair because she didn't want to hear my side of the story when my brother and I got into arguments. I was just about always the one to bear the blame.

So my only solution to acceptance was to be really good at something. That was my way of taking control, of attaining power. Whatever it was, I gave it my all. When I did really well at something, instead of aggravation, I felt love and appreciation from my parents. I also felt acceptance from myself, with myself, for doing something well, instead of messing something up. But as the years went by, I pressured myself more and more into perfection to the point where I didn't accept myself unless I was the best at what I did.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire power.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to perceive myself to be limited, powerless, hopeless, inferior and therefore try to 'gain' power through others giving their power away to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that who I am is limited, powerless, hopeless and inferior.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire power, because I desire acceptance from others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire power, because I desire strength, control and superiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to lose.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to be the loser.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compete with people secretly in my head because I want to show them I am 'better than' them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am 'better than' other people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear participating in competitions, because I am afraid of losing the competition and being seen as 'less than' other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to come out as 'better than' at the expense of others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want others to give their power to me so that I can be in power and control over them – and so I can feel good about myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice other people's 'happiness'/well – being for my personal gain.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to look for something or someone that is apparently more powerful than me – to control me – because I believe I am too powerless, limited, hopeless and inferior to direct myself.

When and as I feel the need to be the best at something, better than others, I stop, I breath. I realize that within my desire for power, lies a desire for acceptance from others because I am not accepting myself as I am. I commit myself to write, find out why I do things I don't like, make changes, live my word, and trust myself.