Embarrassment v/s Normalcy

September 23, 2014

 

I’ve spent so much time in concern in the past for my appearance to others, not realizing and appreciating what I did have, feeling a part of normalcy. The odd people are the lonely ones, after a quick peek, you look away, avoiding eye contact, and getting caught staring. This happened to me, yet this time I was the odd one being avoided.

 

Yesterday, while in the waiting room at my internist’s office, my body was like a wild animal attempting to sit still. It didn’t want to calm down, and every time I twitched, the seat squeaked, my feet would tap, or jump, and sometimes I’d grunt or make a loud hum. Sometimes my head would shake as well. I’d looked around to see if anyone was staring at me, and the two people sitting there were both looking in opposite directions. It seemed obvious they were looking away from me on purpose, avoiding eye contact.

 

The twitching began to show itself randomly about six months ago, one muscle group at a time, at different locations, like the foot, then the shoulder, then the upper thigh, but in the last month the twitching has been steadily increasing in frequency, strength, duration and location. I experience these twitches, spasms, whatever you call it, all over my entire body now, every few moments, every day. They affect my diaphragm and vocal chords as well, so occasionally my spasm will include a grunt or some odd noise, and almost always including a quick breath blown out through my nose or mouth. Sometimes the spasms encompass me so much that I feel as though I’m jumping out of my seat. 

 

My husband and kids are beginning to get used to the spasms, and sometimes laugh when I do it. I can’t blame them, I sometimes giggle at myself too, when I’m not embarrassed or thinking depressing-thoughts. I think I do look really funny some times, like I’m taking off for a race and suddenly I stop. Sometimes I just jump in one spot, sometimes my feet take turns tapping, just a quick little double tap. Then there is the ‘bend the knees for a split second’ spasm, like I’m dodging getting hit in the head with something. Whatever kind if twitch it is, it’s usually surprisingly quick and forceful, and I can imagine how that could confuse and frighten people who don’t know me or about my condition.

 

 It can be uncomfortable around someone who has a disorder you don’t know anything about. It’s uncomfortable because it’s new, un-ordinary, something you’ve never dealt with. At least that’s how I felt about other people with disabilities, a little uncomfortable about how to act, what to say. I would usually either attempt to make eye contact to let the person know I didn’t think they were a freak, or I’d avoid eye contact at times I was less brave.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to be ‘normal’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge odd people as ‘lonely’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ‘odd’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place judgment on myself in comparison to what I judge as a ‘normal’ person, instead of realizing that we all have our own differences, some that we don’t like and attempt to mask from others with make-up, nice clothes, and a ‘friendly personality’, in order to ‘fit in’ with society.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to ‘fit in’ with society.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the others in the waiting room were trying to avoid eye contact with me instead of realizing it is a fear of mine and it doesn’t mean I’m correct about what others are thinking just because that thought was in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others judging me as weird, and therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my own fear, that others think I’m weird.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to long for a feeling of acceptance from others instead of realizing the longing comes from myself not accepting self, and I can only really quench that “need” of acceptance not from others but from myself.

 

When and as I begin to feel embarrassed in public, due to my spasms, and noises, I stop, I breathe. I realize that just because I think someone is thinking a certain way doesn’t make it real. And furthermore, I realize that as I am longing for a feeling of normalcy and acceptance from others, that that stems from my lack of self-acceptance, that which is impossible to gain from others. I commit myself to continue to write when able, speak self- forgiveness daily, and re-read my writings as needed to the particular situation I feel I’m having trouble with so that I am standing, facing my inner-issues, and making a change.