Embarrassment v/s Normalcy

September 23, 2014

 

I’ve spent so much time in concern in the past for my appearance to others, not realizing and appreciating what I did have, feeling a part of normalcy. The odd people are the lonely ones, after a quick peek, you look away, avoiding eye contact, and getting caught staring. This happened to me, yet this time I was the odd one being avoided.

 

Yesterday, while in the waiting room at my internist’s office, my body was like a wild animal attempting to sit still. It didn’t want to calm down, and every time I twitched, the seat squeaked, my feet would tap, or jump, and sometimes I’d grunt or make a loud hum. Sometimes my head would shake as well. I’d looked around to see if anyone was staring at me, and the two people sitting there were both looking in opposite directions. It seemed obvious they were looking away from me on purpose, avoiding eye contact.

 

The twitching began to show itself randomly about six months ago, one muscle group at a time, at different locations, like the foot, then the shoulder, then the upper thigh, but in the last month the twitching has been steadily increasing in frequency, strength, duration and location. I experience these twitches, spasms, whatever you call it, all over my entire body now, every few moments, every day. They affect my diaphragm and vocal chords as well, so occasionally my spasm will include a grunt or some odd noise, and almost always including a quick breath blown out through my nose or mouth. Sometimes the spasms encompass me so much that I feel as though I’m jumping out of my seat. 

 

My husband and kids are beginning to get used to the spasms, and sometimes laugh when I do it. I can’t blame them, I sometimes giggle at myself too, when I’m not embarrassed or thinking depressing-thoughts. I think I do look really funny some times, like I’m taking off for a race and suddenly I stop. Sometimes I just jump in one spot, sometimes my feet take turns tapping, just a quick little double tap. Then there is the ‘bend the knees for a split second’ spasm, like I’m dodging getting hit in the head with something. Whatever kind if twitch it is, it’s usually surprisingly quick and forceful, and I can imagine how that could confuse and frighten people who don’t know me or about my condition.

 

 It can be uncomfortable around someone who has a disorder you don’t know anything about. It’s uncomfortable because it’s new, un-ordinary, something you’ve never dealt with. At least that’s how I felt about other people with disabilities, a little uncomfortable about how to act, what to say. I would usually either attempt to make eye contact to let the person know I didn’t think they were a freak, or I’d avoid eye contact at times I was less brave.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire to be ‘normal’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge odd people as ‘lonely’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ‘odd’.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place judgment on myself in comparison to what I judge as a ‘normal’ person, instead of realizing that we all have our own differences, some that we don’t like and attempt to mask from others with make-up, nice clothes, and a ‘friendly personality’, in order to ‘fit in’ with society.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to ‘fit in’ with society.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the others in the waiting room were trying to avoid eye contact with me instead of realizing it is a fear of mine and it doesn’t mean I’m correct about what others are thinking just because that thought was in my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others judging me as weird, and therefore I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my own fear, that others think I’m weird.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to long for a feeling of acceptance from others instead of realizing the longing comes from myself not accepting self, and I can only really quench that “need” of acceptance not from others but from myself.

 

When and as I begin to feel embarrassed in public, due to my spasms, and noises, I stop, I breathe. I realize that just because I think someone is thinking a certain way doesn’t make it real. And furthermore, I realize that as I am longing for a feeling of normalcy and acceptance from others, that that stems from my lack of self-acceptance, that which is impossible to gain from others. I commit myself to continue to write when able, speak self- forgiveness daily, and re-read my writings as needed to the particular situation I feel I’m having trouble with so that I am standing, facing my inner-issues, and making a change.

 

63 taken

 

I am taken by the change in perspective. No negative reactions to people have come up within me.

Pain and fatigue has slowed me down and taught me patience and empathy.

 

Recently, my husband sarcastically exerted anger towards me and I had absolutely no negativity, no angry reaction. I actually thought the way he was acting was a bit humorous, not in a - “I hope he suffers for pissing me off”-way, but in a way I felt like I was a bystander, observing the situation, not IN the situation. I didn’t want to do anything that might trigger him to think I was being spiteful and get more upset, so I hid my smile and looked out the window. I simply saw it for what it was, “my husbands anger, this is how he chose to handle it, that has nothing to do with me.” 

 

When my kids make a mess, I have no reaction within. Sometimes I just make path and let it be, blocks and army men spread out all over the floor. Other times I simply teach them how to clean it up, and they listen and follow my instructions. They, along with my husband, have been showing desire to help me since I haven’t been able to do nearly what I used to do, and since I have no anger in my tone when I ask them. Plus, my sons have seen me cry days on end, as I grieved for my old self, almost motionless, draped over the kitchen table like a cloth.

 

 My parents and my brother have been considerate and helpful as well. Mom and dad gave me a dictation to text software program for times I cannot write or look at a screen, and my brother has driven to my house to pick up the boys when I had a migraine. I am thankful my family has been so sympathetic and willing to help.

 

Having limited ability to do the ‘normal’ things people do, things that I used to do, I have realized how to slow down and pay attention to myself in and as the physical, not worry in my thoughts about pleasing everyone. I am facing my fear of saying “no” and fear of disappointing others, and instead, speaking up and taking care of myself. I realize that I am not responsible for another person’s emotions, but I am responsible for my own and for taking care of ME!

 

62 – migraine free, fibro flare still there
 

 

Today I have no migraine. I feel so much better. I can go outside in the daylight now, but I can’t do very much. Every move burns, my body feels heavy, lifting is so much more difficult, everything feels much heavier than usual and my muscles burn and fatigue almost immediately. It’s so easy to hurt myself by overexerting because I’m not sure how much my body can handle now. I keep getting surprised at how little I can do, When I do too much, which is hardly anything close to what I’m used to doing, my muscles cramp up and spasm. Today I am having especially a lot of trouble with my left arm. Typing hurts more than usual. My jaw hurts when I eat. My shoulders hurt when I lift my arms out. I can barely make it up the stairs and every time I do, my legs feel like fire.

 

My body is telling me to slow down, my mind wants to move and do things. A few days ago I felt good enough to walk around the block. The next day I could barely move. I was so tight all over, and painful, and weak. I thought I was helping myself out by doing light exercise but my body screamed at me, “NO!” So I’m taking it easy. I’m eating only gluten-free food, I drink a ton of water, like usual, take Epsom salt baths everyday and stretch twice a day. Each morning I have been waking up expecting my muscles to feel at least a little better, only to be disappointed in my lack of improvement and even worsening symptoms in some areas. I feel like I’m doing everything I can to take care of myself and I am not making any difference.

 

I have to remind myself that this is just a flare up and it will subside eventually, but then Josh had a good point saying I’m holding expectations, so I really do just have to embrace this condition I am in now. I have to find new things that don’t cause cramping muscles. I can read and listen real well!

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold expectations about my physical body healing.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, “ tomorrow I’ll probably feel a little better”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future what will be when I don’t know what it will be, I’m just hoping that it will be what I project.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself use these expectations to play games with my mind and emotions to make myself feel happy as a means to feel in control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel out of control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in disappointment when things don’t go the way I hoped.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to be in control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get upset when things don’t go my way.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a bad attitude about my lack of ability to do the things I do.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep thinking about all the things I can no longer do that is fun and depend on something outside of me to have ‘fun’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for fun, in order to cover what is going on inside of me instead of facing myself and releasing myself from these thoughts I keep allowing myself to think, and living in reality.

 

 

 

When and as I hold expectations and project into the future my own fantasy of how I’d like it to be, how I’d like to feel, I stop, I breathe. I realize that these expectations and projections have an opposite emotional effect when they don’t turn out the way I imagined. I commit myself to stop and breathe deep anytime these thoughts come up, and pay attention to reality, here, now, in this moment.

 

 

When and as I feel I have no control, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this “control” thing is in my head, a judgment, of only a piece of what I am physically not able to do, because I am choosing what it is I’m labeling as “uncontrollable”, and “controllable”. I don’t need to label. I don’t need to judge myself, as if this situation is who I am, forever. Each day brings a new opportunity to take action. Instead of focusing on my lack of control, I commit myself to take action, direct myself and do what I am able to do.

 

When and as I search for fun, I stop, I breathe. I realize that when I am searching for outside stimulation, it is because I am attempting to blanket my emotional state instead of facing it. I commit myself to face myself instead of finding fun to hide within, write it out, or speak out self-forgiveness if that’s all I can do at the time.

 

 

61- Embracing Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

 

 

I feel like I’m losing myself. I can no longer do what I was able to do just a month ago. My whole life is changing since I’m unable to do what I usually do. I am so slow with everything, and everything is painful, so I have to take a whole lot of breaks. This is not how I expected my life to be at this age (39yrs on June 30). In fact, I had goals to hit at 40 that I don’t think are attainable with my ‘disability’. 

 

My goals were to secure and enjoy my future with the things I like doing. I wanted to play piano and sing on a regular basis at a restaurant on the lakefront. It has been a dream of mine for more than 10 years. I was just getting ‘there’, I had a whole set of songs I had been practicing daily the past few years, and I absolutely LOVED playing and singing. I’ve had only a few gigs with the band I was in (11 yrs ago) because it was too difficult to get every member to practice our set as often as needed to play publicly. That’s why I decided to learn to play and sing at the same time so I wouldn’t be dependent on other people to play my music.

 

Just about 3yrs ago I performed three songs, one that I wrote and two cover songs, at a local pub called “Green Room”. My husband performed his own music on the keys. The crowd of people dancing to my music made me feel as one with them as they enjoyed my favorite songs as much as I do!  I loved the rush of excitement I’d get from the audience as we all enjoyed the music together. And I loved how the audience enjoyed my husband’s songs too. I thought he sounded pretty awesome! We got so many compliments that night I’m sure it stretched our egos a bit, which I guess I was craving.

Craving reassurance that I can do something, at least one thing, really well.

 

 

 

 

 

I admit I also was going for a “six pack” and a lean, fit body. I was getting there too! I was seeing muscles I hadn’t noticed before, feeling a whole lot stronger, getting all kinds of work done in the yard and house. I do prefer the way my body looks when I am strong and lean. Now that these goals don’t seem attainable in my condition, I feel even more dependent on others to care for me, the one who “can’t do anything anymore”, and that frightens me.

 

I realize now that I’m ill, that taking ultimate care of myself is more important than pleasing others or looking good. I can now only wear a specific type of shoe, and I am a shoe enthusiast so I’ll be trying to sell a lot of shoes. I can no longer play piano or guitar and sing more than a half a song at a time. I can no longer work in the yard, sometimes I can’t type more than a couple of minutes at a time. I’m having a hard time letting go of all these things I enjoyed doing. If I were to judge having fibromyalgia as ‘bad’ because of all these things I’m loosing, I can also judge this chronic illness as ‘good’ because I’m gaining insight into how to take better care of myself and my children, and I’m in this for good since this is a chronic illness. If I slip up and eat ice cream or pizza, I suffer. If I drink a beer or a glass of wine during a celebration, I suffer. So I have fibromyalgia to motivate me to stay ‘clean’.

 

 

 

SELF-FORGIVENESS STATEMENTS

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am loosing my self as I am loosing my abilities with my body.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can lose myself, when no matter what I can or can’t do with my body, I am still here.

 

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to state myself as “the one who can’t do anything anymore”.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire the energy, the rush of excitement I feel while performing for a crowd of people dancing to the music

I sing and play the piano or guitar.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for approval from others.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to seek within myself to find approval, to see what it is I am not approving of myself.

 

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I cannot write anymore

because of pain and muscle fatigue, instead of realizing that I can still write on some days, I just have to take a lot of breaks and a lot more time.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to write the same amount or as quickly as I did before my disability flared up.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot afford a dictation-to –text software program and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘give up’ on this possible solution to ‘writing at a decent speed’.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to ‘keep up with everyone’.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place judgment that I’m “weak and disabled”, by comparing myself to others as ‘strong and able’.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as though I have to be able to do ‘normal things’ like other people are able to do.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future a ‘future me’, as ‘an elderly lady who is fit and healthy, and able to walk fast’.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future how ‘fit and healthy’ my body would be at this age.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold expectations of what my body should be like at this age.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become disappointed with the real outcome, because it is not at all how I had planned it to be.

 

 

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with my body not working the way I expect ‘it should’.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist my changed capabilities and lifestyle.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my old lifestyle as “better”.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in my judgment, when it is not factual reality, but just a mere thought perception, a mind comparison and judgment of what was before to what is now.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, “Life sucks!”

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge life as something ‘bad’ because I realize that I am only placing myself within the mind, not reality and as I’m in the mind, I am choosing how I want to judge life.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in the emotion of sadness to the thought, “life sucks!”

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to focus on all the things that I don’t have, instead of realizing the things I do have, such as healthy children and a supportive husband, and beyond that, realizing I have myself, I am still here, and I have ability to take action and make a change in this world for the better.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat certain foods (such as frozen pizza and ice cream) that knew were unhealthy for me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, “I’m so stupid for not taking well-enough care of myself and now I’m suffering for it”- because I realize that I didn’t know what was going on within my body, at the time, and I didn’t know my body can’t handle certain foods and allergens, or too much physical activity.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed ‘pain and fatigue’ as a trigger to the thought “I’m so stupid for not taking well enough care of myself and now I’m suffering for it”.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger to the thought ‘I’m so stupid for not taking well-enough care of myself, and now I’m suffering for it’.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wait for a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome to motivate me to take better care of myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exert anger toward Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in anger.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed anger as who I am.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing, myself to want to ‘give up’, because everything is so much more difficult and painful.

 

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘freak out’ and cry about having this illness and disability.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame from ‘freaking out’ and crying.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge self as weak and disabled.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, “I can’t do anything anymore”.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in self-pity to the thought, “I can’t do anything anymore”.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exert anger towards people who don’t ‘believe that Fibromyalgia is a real illness.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on writing because of the pain, fatigue, headaches and dizziness, instead of taking it one step at a time, and finding a new yet slower way to do things.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a negative charge to the word ‘slow’.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view ‘slow’ as bad/unproductive, and ‘fast’ as good/productive.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place a negative charge to the word ‘weak’ and a positive charge to the word ‘strong.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire my old (faster, longer, stronger) capabilities.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fear losing even more capabilities.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fear being confined to a wheelchair.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect being confined to a wheelchair to fear and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgments people could make of me as they notice how I walk and do things differently.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place such importance into what other people think of me because I realize that I don’t have to participate in these thoughts of what others may think. I need to instead be focused on what it is I am not disciplining myself with that is causing me to search for outside approval.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for outside approval

Instead of investigating self to see what thoughts self is having friction with and applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be frustrated with having to take so many breaks from the things I do, (like writing) do to my lack of certain muscle abilities.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear never being able to play piano again.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect not being able to play piano again to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my husband leaving me because of my condition and how much more he has to help out now.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my husband leaving me to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become dependent on my relationship with my husband.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting fat because of my disability and slow metabolism.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect getting fat to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a negative charge to the word ‘fat’.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think if I get ‘fat’, I will be less desire-able to my husband and less ‘like-able’ to the general public because I realize that I still desire my husband when he puts on a few pounds, and I’m comfortable with other overweight people, so why would I want to go and follow a thought like that!

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘all the things I am no longer able to do’.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the symptoms of fibro (pain, fatigue and increased sensitivity to all senses, and migraines) to the thought, ‘all the things I’m no longer able to do’.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself react in depression to the thought, ‘all the things I’m no longer able to do’.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as ‘depressed’ instead of realizing I have the capability to do things that I can do still and It is my decision whether or not I take action.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, “I’m going to be so bored for the rest of my life not being able to use my body the way I want”.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in the emotion of sadness to the thought, “I’m going to be so bored for the rest of my life not being able to use my body the way I want”.

 

 

SELF-CORRECTIVE STATEMENTS

 

When and as I begin to fear losing myself I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am not only my body, and that the ability I have over my body does not dictate my existence. I will lose my body completely one day anyway and that is something that I am going to have to face. In the moment, I’m just facing partial loss, and grieving my “old self”. I continue to ‘grow’ as I face fears and challenges, gain insight into who I am, the things I can do, and accept self without these abilities.

 

When and as I fear my husband leaving me because he has to help out so much more now with my disability, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am grasping on to my partner as if I couldn’t make it on my own, and this is a fear I have made up in my head through thinking of all the worst case scenarios. I realize that my thoughts are only that, not reality, and although it is good to be prepared in any situation that may change, it doesn’t do any good to dwell and worry. I also realize that I have come through many difficulties and changes that I had previously thought I couldn’t handle alone, but I got through all those times and I came out knowing I could face that situation again.

 

When and as I begin to compare my physical abilities to others physical abilities and become frustrated with my body, I stop I breathe. I realize that this comparison stems from a standpoint of self pity, which is in and of the mind only, not a reality, which gets me nowhere, as it only keeps me depressed and in my head. I also realize that by comparing myself to others I am separating myself from them, and placing physical abilities as top priority, but we are of the same substance underneath these physical abilities.

 

When and as I dwell in the past, in what I used to be able to do, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I’m allowing myself to not live in the moment when I’m in my mind in the past. I have the ability to live here, now in this moment in this physical body, so why stay in my mind, comparing my old life to my present one, when all that does is not allow me to live in the present? 

 

When and as I feel sad and depressed, I stop, I breathe. I realize that sometimes life is hard, but I get through it when I take action. I don’t need to stay in my thoughts, I need to  take action and live.

 

When and as I feel sad, disabled, and bored because I can’t do the things I used to enjoy, I stop, I breathe. I realize that boredom is only judgment in the mind as it craves excitement, and I don’t need to place myself in those thoughts and desires, I just need to take a look within myself, write, or dictate (if I get one of those ‘dictation software programs’), and see why I am craving excitement. It stems from an unfulfilled feeling within me, and I can’t fix that with outside stimulation. I can find it only within me as I learn to trust self completely by being self honest and disciplined.

 

I commit myself to continue on with my life, writing, raising kids, doing what I can do, living in reality, in the present moment, not dreaming of the things I used to be able to do, but adjusting to my altered capabilities, without comparison and judgment. I commit myself to focus on self-honesty instead for searching for outside approval.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

60 - Slow and painful- Living with Fibromyalgia SF and SCS

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to care about pleasing others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself place ‘pleasing others’ as more important than caring for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place ‘pleasing others’ over my personal, physical wellbeing.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust in others instead of trusting myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place trust in others before trust in myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow the advice of others when I know better about myself and what I am capable of.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to listen to my self but instead listen to the advice of others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to follow the advice of others because I am too afraid that they will not accept me if I don’t.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to search for approval and acceptance from others.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate why I am not accepting self but instead to search for acceptance outside of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid investigating myself because ultimately I would have to face myself, and take responsibility to improve upon what it is I am not accepting within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself try to ignore the fact that one day I will have to face myself and that by my unwillingness to take responsibility and face myself, I am only prolonging my process of self perfection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself desire acceptance from my mom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of my mom being angry with me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when my mom was upset with me about not going to as many classes the expected.

 

When and as I feel the need to please others, I stop, I breathe I pull myself out of my mind, from thoughts and fears. I breathe slowly, deeply, experiencing this moment, here,  in my physical body. I realize that when I have these thoughts that I must please others for approval, that there is something within self that I am not willing to face that I have to face. I commit myself to investigate myself, figure out what it is that I am not accepting within self, forgive self, and take necessary steps to improve upon what it is I am not accepting. I commit myself to be responsible for myself.

 

 

 

 

59 – s l o w and painful

Living with Fibromyalgia

 

The best description of my action and experience within my physical body as of the past week and a half is ‘slow and painful’. This has happened before, many times in the past year. I wake up with my muscles stiff, and sore with widespread spasms, cramping, shooting pains, sometimes with shooting pains so bad I cannot stand on both feet. The pain causes me to instantly shout before realizing I’m shouting! Then I react in embarrassment realizing my loss of physical control in my larynx (voice box) as I notice concerned faces around me.

 

I feel limited in doing my daily tasks such as writing, laundry, cooking and cleaning up for four people, washing the floors and windows, scrubbing stains out of carpet, walls, doors, cabinets, scrubbing everything! I’m pruning, sawing, weed-eating, pulling weeds, lifting heavy bags of soil, manure, and mulch, practicing piano, Plates and bike riding. And then, all of a sudden, it all stops.

 

I am realizing that I am going to have to embrace and accept this change in lifestyle, and also the possibility of not being able to accomplish some of my personal goals like playing piano and singing at restaurants eventually on a regular basis as a means to earn cash. Also, personal training might have to be buried along with piano since when I have an attack I am too fatigued and in pain to move around. I have become depressed, physically, from doing the things I do in my life. Everything hurts, even typing, so everything I do is now completed in a longer time period than what I am used to. And I am most disappointed that I am unable to play the piano as much as I’d like.

 

My eyes are constantly dry and gritty, and itchy, it is very uncomfortable. Allergy eye drops sometimes help with the itchy-ness but the gritty dry feeling is still harassing me. I’ve learned that this eye issue is a symptom of Fibromyalgia.

 

My desire to please people around me has only exasperated my condition. My mom and personal trainer held expectations of me that I could not follow. They pushed me to keep working out when I knew it would be too much for me. I tried to explain to them so many times that I couldn’t do as much as what they expected.  Now that I am experiencing a “Fibro Flare” I am now to the point that I don’t really care anymore about pleasing others, I have trust in myself, I am taking care of myself.

 

58- SF and SCS on Fear of losing a child:

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing my child’ to fear and thus – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

 

My children are my creation.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose my creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing my creation’ to fear and thus – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear of loss to be the very nature of who I am.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create from a starting point of fear of loss, instead of realizing that my creation is equal and one as me and therefore, I cannot lose my creation, because my creation is me.

 

My creation is myself.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing myself’ to fear and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will lose myself, within this implying that I am able to ‘get lost’. Thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is possible to ‘be lost’, within the realization that I am here always.

 

 

 

My life is ‘happy, loving, and fulfilled’ as a parent to my two boys.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and label my life- situation as ‘happy, loving, and fulfilled’ as a parent to my two boys, in realizing that within this judgment of happy, there is also the polarity of the mind that is sad, and in this judgment of loving, there is also the polarity of the mind of hate, and within the judgment of fulfillment, there is also the polarity of the mind that is un-fulfillment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity manifestation of the mind, instead of realizing myself as here in the physical.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that happiness exists.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that happiness only exists, because sadness exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within being in a parent-child relationship with my two boys.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within spending time with my children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness outside and separate from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to ‘find’ happiness somewhere ‘out there’ separate from me, instead of investigating why I am not happy with who I am in every moment and to change whatever it is that I am not happy with.

 

 

 I view my ‘happy, loving and fulfilled’ life as ‘good quality’.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the quality of life I am currently enjoying as a parent to my two boys.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘losing the quality of life that I am currently enjoying as a parent to two boys’ to fear and thus – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

 

When and as I fear to lose my children, I stop, I breathe. I realize that fear of loss is the origin of my nature, I created from a starting point of fear of loss and therefore created more and more in an attempt to ‘make my creation more real’  - to just not lose my creation. I realize that my children are ‘my creation’ whom I have become attached to and dependent on emotionally, and I understand that it is I choosing to participate in the polarity manifestation of the mind.

 I commit myself to bring myself back here in the physical by breath and investigate the separation I am allowing as I choose to live in the polarity manifestation of the mind, so that I may know myself to be and live as one, equal with my creation. 

 

When and as fear losing my happiness if I lose my children, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I have defined happiness within being a mom to my children, whereby I require to be in the parent-child relationship, dependent on beings separate from self, to be able to feel ‘happy’. I realize also that happiness originates from suppressed emotions and therefore inherently, happiness can exist if negative experiences exist, such as sadness and disappointment and that happiness is therefore part of a polarity manifestation of the mind.

I commit myself to continuing on with writing out self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to live in self-honesty so I will accept myself as the expression of joy of life within as oneness and equality.