61- Embracing Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome

 

 

I feel like I’m losing myself. I can no longer do what I was able to do just a month ago. My whole life is changing since I’m unable to do what I usually do. I am so slow with everything, and everything is painful, so I have to take a whole lot of breaks. This is not how I expected my life to be at this age (39yrs on June 30). In fact, I had goals to hit at 40 that I don’t think are attainable with my ‘disability’. 

 

My goals were to secure and enjoy my future with the things I like doing. I wanted to play piano and sing on a regular basis at a restaurant on the lakefront. It has been a dream of mine for more than 10 years. I was just getting ‘there’, I had a whole set of songs I had been practicing daily the past few years, and I absolutely LOVED playing and singing. I’ve had only a few gigs with the band I was in (11 yrs ago) because it was too difficult to get every member to practice our set as often as needed to play publicly. That’s why I decided to learn to play and sing at the same time so I wouldn’t be dependent on other people to play my music.

 

Just about 3yrs ago I performed three songs, one that I wrote and two cover songs, at a local pub called “Green Room”. My husband performed his own music on the keys. The crowd of people dancing to my music made me feel as one with them as they enjoyed my favorite songs as much as I do!  I loved the rush of excitement I’d get from the audience as we all enjoyed the music together. And I loved how the audience enjoyed my husband’s songs too. I thought he sounded pretty awesome! We got so many compliments that night I’m sure it stretched our egos a bit, which I guess I was craving.

Craving reassurance that I can do something, at least one thing, really well.

 

 

 

 

 

I admit I also was going for a “six pack” and a lean, fit body. I was getting there too! I was seeing muscles I hadn’t noticed before, feeling a whole lot stronger, getting all kinds of work done in the yard and house. I do prefer the way my body looks when I am strong and lean. Now that these goals don’t seem attainable in my condition, I feel even more dependent on others to care for me, the one who “can’t do anything anymore”, and that frightens me.

 

I realize now that I’m ill, that taking ultimate care of myself is more important than pleasing others or looking good. I can now only wear a specific type of shoe, and I am a shoe enthusiast so I’ll be trying to sell a lot of shoes. I can no longer play piano or guitar and sing more than a half a song at a time. I can no longer work in the yard, sometimes I can’t type more than a couple of minutes at a time. I’m having a hard time letting go of all these things I enjoyed doing. If I were to judge having fibromyalgia as ‘bad’ because of all these things I’m loosing, I can also judge this chronic illness as ‘good’ because I’m gaining insight into how to take better care of myself and my children, and I’m in this for good since this is a chronic illness. If I slip up and eat ice cream or pizza, I suffer. If I drink a beer or a glass of wine during a celebration, I suffer. So I have fibromyalgia to motivate me to stay ‘clean’.

 

 

 

SELF-FORGIVENESS STATEMENTS

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I am loosing my self as I am loosing my abilities with my body.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can lose myself, when no matter what I can or can’t do with my body, I am still here.

 

 I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to state myself as “the one who can’t do anything anymore”.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to desire the energy, the rush of excitement I feel while performing for a crowd of people dancing to the music

I sing and play the piano or guitar.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for approval from others.

 

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to seek within myself to find approval, to see what it is I am not approving of myself.

 

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I cannot write anymore

because of pain and muscle fatigue, instead of realizing that I can still write on some days, I just have to take a lot of breaks and a lot more time.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to write the same amount or as quickly as I did before my disability flared up.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe I cannot afford a dictation-to –text software program and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘give up’ on this possible solution to ‘writing at a decent speed’.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I have to ‘keep up with everyone’.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to others.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place judgment that I’m “weak and disabled”, by comparing myself to others as ‘strong and able’.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel as though I have to be able to do ‘normal things’ like other people are able to do.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future a ‘future me’, as ‘an elderly lady who is fit and healthy, and able to walk fast’.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future how ‘fit and healthy’ my body would be at this age.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold expectations of what my body should be like at this age.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become disappointed with the real outcome, because it is not at all how I had planned it to be.

 

 

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with my body not working the way I expect ‘it should’.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist my changed capabilities and lifestyle.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my old lifestyle as “better”.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in my judgment, when it is not factual reality, but just a mere thought perception, a mind comparison and judgment of what was before to what is now.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, “Life sucks!”

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge life as something ‘bad’ because I realize that I am only placing myself within the mind, not reality and as I’m in the mind, I am choosing how I want to judge life.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in the emotion of sadness to the thought, “life sucks!”

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to focus on all the things that I don’t have, instead of realizing the things I do have, such as healthy children and a supportive husband, and beyond that, realizing I have myself, I am still here, and I have ability to take action and make a change in this world for the better.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat certain foods (such as frozen pizza and ice cream) that knew were unhealthy for me.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, “I’m so stupid for not taking well-enough care of myself and now I’m suffering for it”- because I realize that I didn’t know what was going on within my body, at the time, and I didn’t know my body can’t handle certain foods and allergens, or too much physical activity.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed ‘pain and fatigue’ as a trigger to the thought “I’m so stupid for not taking well enough care of myself and now I’m suffering for it”.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in anger to the thought ‘I’m so stupid for not taking well-enough care of myself, and now I’m suffering for it’.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to wait for a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome to motivate me to take better care of myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exert anger toward Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in anger.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed anger as who I am.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing, myself to want to ‘give up’, because everything is so much more difficult and painful.

 

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘freak out’ and cry about having this illness and disability.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel shame from ‘freaking out’ and crying.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge self as weak and disabled.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sorry for myself.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think, “I can’t do anything anymore”.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in self-pity to the thought, “I can’t do anything anymore”.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exert anger towards people who don’t ‘believe that Fibromyalgia is a real illness.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on writing because of the pain, fatigue, headaches and dizziness, instead of taking it one step at a time, and finding a new yet slower way to do things.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a negative charge to the word ‘slow’.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view ‘slow’ as bad/unproductive, and ‘fast’ as good/productive.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as weak.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place a negative charge to the word ‘weak’ and a positive charge to the word ‘strong.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire my old (faster, longer, stronger) capabilities.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fear losing even more capabilities.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fear being confined to a wheelchair.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect being confined to a wheelchair to fear and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgments people could make of me as they notice how I walk and do things differently.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place such importance into what other people think of me because I realize that I don’t have to participate in these thoughts of what others may think. I need to instead be focused on what it is I am not disciplining myself with that is causing me to search for outside approval.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for outside approval

Instead of investigating self to see what thoughts self is having friction with and applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be frustrated with having to take so many breaks from the things I do, (like writing) do to my lack of certain muscle abilities.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear never being able to play piano again.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect not being able to play piano again to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my husband leaving me because of my condition and how much more he has to help out now.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my husband leaving me to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become dependent on my relationship with my husband.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting fat because of my disability and slow metabolism.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect getting fat to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place a negative charge to the word ‘fat’.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think if I get ‘fat’, I will be less desire-able to my husband and less ‘like-able’ to the general public because I realize that I still desire my husband when he puts on a few pounds, and I’m comfortable with other overweight people, so why would I want to go and follow a thought like that!

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think ‘all the things I am no longer able to do’.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the symptoms of fibro (pain, fatigue and increased sensitivity to all senses, and migraines) to the thought, ‘all the things I’m no longer able to do’.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself react in depression to the thought, ‘all the things I’m no longer able to do’.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as ‘depressed’ instead of realizing I have the capability to do things that I can do still and It is my decision whether or not I take action.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, “I’m going to be so bored for the rest of my life not being able to use my body the way I want”.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in the emotion of sadness to the thought, “I’m going to be so bored for the rest of my life not being able to use my body the way I want”.

 

 

SELF-CORRECTIVE STATEMENTS

 

When and as I begin to fear losing myself I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am not only my body, and that the ability I have over my body does not dictate my existence. I will lose my body completely one day anyway and that is something that I am going to have to face. In the moment, I’m just facing partial loss, and grieving my “old self”. I continue to ‘grow’ as I face fears and challenges, gain insight into who I am, the things I can do, and accept self without these abilities.

 

When and as I fear my husband leaving me because he has to help out so much more now with my disability, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am grasping on to my partner as if I couldn’t make it on my own, and this is a fear I have made up in my head through thinking of all the worst case scenarios. I realize that my thoughts are only that, not reality, and although it is good to be prepared in any situation that may change, it doesn’t do any good to dwell and worry. I also realize that I have come through many difficulties and changes that I had previously thought I couldn’t handle alone, but I got through all those times and I came out knowing I could face that situation again.

 

When and as I begin to compare my physical abilities to others physical abilities and become frustrated with my body, I stop I breathe. I realize that this comparison stems from a standpoint of self pity, which is in and of the mind only, not a reality, which gets me nowhere, as it only keeps me depressed and in my head. I also realize that by comparing myself to others I am separating myself from them, and placing physical abilities as top priority, but we are of the same substance underneath these physical abilities.

 

When and as I dwell in the past, in what I used to be able to do, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I’m allowing myself to not live in the moment when I’m in my mind in the past. I have the ability to live here, now in this moment in this physical body, so why stay in my mind, comparing my old life to my present one, when all that does is not allow me to live in the present? 

 

When and as I feel sad and depressed, I stop, I breathe. I realize that sometimes life is hard, but I get through it when I take action. I don’t need to stay in my thoughts, I need to  take action and live.

 

When and as I feel sad, disabled, and bored because I can’t do the things I used to enjoy, I stop, I breathe. I realize that boredom is only judgment in the mind as it craves excitement, and I don’t need to place myself in those thoughts and desires, I just need to take a look within myself, write, or dictate (if I get one of those ‘dictation software programs’), and see why I am craving excitement. It stems from an unfulfilled feeling within me, and I can’t fix that with outside stimulation. I can find it only within me as I learn to trust self completely by being self honest and disciplined.

 

I commit myself to continue on with my life, writing, raising kids, doing what I can do, living in reality, in the present moment, not dreaming of the things I used to be able to do, but adjusting to my altered capabilities, without comparison and judgment. I commit myself to focus on self-honesty instead for searching for outside approval.