32- update on imperfections and self acceptance

Well I have actually only been wearing sunscreen on my face (instead of the tinted one). The need to cover my imperfections has subsided after writing about it and applying sf (self forgiveness). It's liberating to not feel like I need to make myself to appear 'perfect'. I have a few times since worn the tinted one, when I felt it would be more 'fun' to get positive attention, but the NEED for it is not there anymore, at least not for going out with my family on weekends or going to the Pilates studio.

I kinda feel like I did when I shaved my head. That is such a free feeling. No makeup, not even tinted sunscreen, no jewelery, no fancy clothes, no hair style, just me. That's how I was with my head shaved. Now I do still enjoy my outfits I put together. I like the colors to look appealing together and the textures to vary. I feel like I put together a piece of art when I create an outfit. In all of this 'fun' stuff of putting together a neat looking outfit, I am still calling out for attention. I realize that I don't want to see that, but I do. When I wear a cool outfit, it's when I leave the house, to show the world 'who I am'. It is still an appearance I am creating to impress others.

I like boat neck shirts best because they make my face appear more attractive, but I do not confine myself to them. I have my most desirable colors that I like to wear, but I don't confine myself to those either. I sometimes don't wear anything special out, but I still don't want to appear like I am sloppy, and don't care about myself, not when I go to the grocery with my family. I have made that my 'fun time' to experiment with my outfits.

Funny thing though, is I am totally sloppy in front of my neighbors, my kids' bus driver, and my immediate family. I wear pajamas all day, and keep my hair oily and messed up until I feel like washing it at night. Even when my parents or brother come over, I'm usually my usual 'sloppy self'! It's nice to accept myself as I am.

So I will allow myself to have my 'fun outfit time' occasionally. Since I don't paint anymore, I still want to 'create' something and show it to the world. Just as long as it doesn't get 'out of hand', where I feel like I NEED to constantly present myself as attractive with clothes or makeup to feel acceptance and happiness.

 

I am still not life as one as equal as I am finding pleasure from showing off my creation. I fear giving this up, fear boredom, yet I realize that happiness is not something outside of self. I am not perfect, but I am working on self acceptance and doing what is best for all through self discovery, changing what I am allowing myself to be controlled by, learning to trust and accept myself. It will take time. Now I will not fill my head with guilt, for the things I am not yet giving up, but I will take small steps into pushing myself through these desires and 'needs' to eventually be all as one as equal as life.

Now I'm going to wash my face and put some plain old non-tinted sunscreen on.