63 taken

 

I am taken by the change in perspective. No negative reactions to people have come up within me.

Pain and fatigue has slowed me down and taught me patience and empathy.

 

Recently, my husband sarcastically exerted anger towards me and I had absolutely no negativity, no angry reaction. I actually thought the way he was acting was a bit humorous, not in a - “I hope he suffers for pissing me off”-way, but in a way I felt like I was a bystander, observing the situation, not IN the situation. I didn’t want to do anything that might trigger him to think I was being spiteful and get more upset, so I hid my smile and looked out the window. I simply saw it for what it was, “my husbands anger, this is how he chose to handle it, that has nothing to do with me.” 

 

When my kids make a mess, I have no reaction within. Sometimes I just make path and let it be, blocks and army men spread out all over the floor. Other times I simply teach them how to clean it up, and they listen and follow my instructions. They, along with my husband, have been showing desire to help me since I haven’t been able to do nearly what I used to do, and since I have no anger in my tone when I ask them. Plus, my sons have seen me cry days on end, as I grieved for my old self, almost motionless, draped over the kitchen table like a cloth.

 

 My parents and my brother have been considerate and helpful as well. Mom and dad gave me a dictation to text software program for times I cannot write or look at a screen, and my brother has driven to my house to pick up the boys when I had a migraine. I am thankful my family has been so sympathetic and willing to help.

 

Having limited ability to do the ‘normal’ things people do, things that I used to do, I have realized how to slow down and pay attention to myself in and as the physical, not worry in my thoughts about pleasing everyone. I am facing my fear of saying “no” and fear of disappointing others, and instead, speaking up and taking care of myself. I realize that I am not responsible for another person’s emotions, but I am responsible for my own and for taking care of ME!

 

62 – migraine free, fibro flare still there
 

 

Today I have no migraine. I feel so much better. I can go outside in the daylight now, but I can’t do very much. Every move burns, my body feels heavy, lifting is so much more difficult, everything feels much heavier than usual and my muscles burn and fatigue almost immediately. It’s so easy to hurt myself by overexerting because I’m not sure how much my body can handle now. I keep getting surprised at how little I can do, When I do too much, which is hardly anything close to what I’m used to doing, my muscles cramp up and spasm. Today I am having especially a lot of trouble with my left arm. Typing hurts more than usual. My jaw hurts when I eat. My shoulders hurt when I lift my arms out. I can barely make it up the stairs and every time I do, my legs feel like fire.

 

My body is telling me to slow down, my mind wants to move and do things. A few days ago I felt good enough to walk around the block. The next day I could barely move. I was so tight all over, and painful, and weak. I thought I was helping myself out by doing light exercise but my body screamed at me, “NO!” So I’m taking it easy. I’m eating only gluten-free food, I drink a ton of water, like usual, take Epsom salt baths everyday and stretch twice a day. Each morning I have been waking up expecting my muscles to feel at least a little better, only to be disappointed in my lack of improvement and even worsening symptoms in some areas. I feel like I’m doing everything I can to take care of myself and I am not making any difference.

 

I have to remind myself that this is just a flare up and it will subside eventually, but then Josh had a good point saying I’m holding expectations, so I really do just have to embrace this condition I am in now. I have to find new things that don’t cause cramping muscles. I can read and listen real well!

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to hold expectations about my physical body healing.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to think, “ tomorrow I’ll probably feel a little better”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project into the future what will be when I don’t know what it will be, I’m just hoping that it will be what I project.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself use these expectations to play games with my mind and emotions to make myself feel happy as a means to feel in control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel out of control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in disappointment when things don’t go the way I hoped.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to be in control.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get upset when things don’t go my way.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have a bad attitude about my lack of ability to do the things I do.

 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep thinking about all the things I can no longer do that is fun and depend on something outside of me to have ‘fun’.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to search for fun, in order to cover what is going on inside of me instead of facing myself and releasing myself from these thoughts I keep allowing myself to think, and living in reality.

 

 

 

When and as I hold expectations and project into the future my own fantasy of how I’d like it to be, how I’d like to feel, I stop, I breathe. I realize that these expectations and projections have an opposite emotional effect when they don’t turn out the way I imagined. I commit myself to stop and breathe deep anytime these thoughts come up, and pay attention to reality, here, now, in this moment.

 

 

When and as I feel I have no control, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this “control” thing is in my head, a judgment, of only a piece of what I am physically not able to do, because I am choosing what it is I’m labeling as “uncontrollable”, and “controllable”. I don’t need to label. I don’t need to judge myself, as if this situation is who I am, forever. Each day brings a new opportunity to take action. Instead of focusing on my lack of control, I commit myself to take action, direct myself and do what I am able to do.

 

When and as I search for fun, I stop, I breathe. I realize that when I am searching for outside stimulation, it is because I am attempting to blanket my emotional state instead of facing it. I commit myself to face myself instead of finding fun to hide within, write it out, or speak out self-forgiveness if that’s all I can do at the time.