38 – Desiring beauty, judgment following society's definition of beauty, fear of cancer, ignoring cancer possibility, embarrassment

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from beauty through accepting and allowing myself to define my beauty within being tan/having perfect-looking skin, outside and separate from myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to search for myself outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to separate myself from here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I've 'lost' myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I'm able to find myself outside of myself – instead of realizing that I am here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow my desires.

I forgive myself That I've accepted and allowed myself to blindly follow my desires, believing that desires are who I am and that it is in my benefit to act on my desires- when desires are merely sexual energy that was transferred to my mind and that such desires exist to distract me from myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from everything and everyone that exists through attempting to be 'beautiful' with perfect skin.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as equal and one to everything and everyone that exists.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see myself as 'less than'/'inferior ' to others.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I desire pretty, tan skin, it is because I believe that pretty, tan skin can 'give me' beauty, as though beauty is not already who I am.

I forgive myself for not accepting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in nagging feelings that 'something's wrong', 'I am not complete', 'my skin is not pretty', 'I am not fulfilled' – and to believe such experiences to be real, to be me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to have pretty skin to keep my partner's attraction to me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in feelings that 'I am not complete without a partner', 'I am not fulfilled without a partner', and to believe that such experiences to be real, to be me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need/require to be in a relationship with someone in order for me to be complete, fulfilled and satisfied with myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I am not in a relationship, I am still here and I am still me and nothing has actually changed in relation to 'who I am'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear cancer.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear dying from cancer.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to ignore the possibility of getting cancer while sunbathing.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to live the statement 'ignorance is bliss'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to turn a blind eye to my health and well being so I can fulfill a desire to have pretty, tan skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wait for my moles to look cancerous to motivate me to stand up, stop the self destructive behavior, and get tested, instead of me moving myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to deliberately ignore the dangers of sunbathing so I can continue on living in my 'no-coincidence bubble of happiness and beauty'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live in deliberate self-dishonesty because I am afraid that I will be missing something if I don't get to relax while sunbathing during the spring and have pretty, tan skin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge relaxing in the sun, while getting pretty, tan skin during the spring as 'the perfect experience', an experience that 'I cannot achieve out of the sun'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment from the Dr. about my skin being 'ugly'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to feel embarrassed about the Dr. and her assistant to closely examine my entire naked body.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear judgment from the Dr. that I look 'weird' and 'gross'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to worry about what other people say or think about me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how I believe other people see me – and therefore feel vulnerable and afraid of people seeing me naked with all my 'imperfections' uncovered.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that embarrassment is real.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to an idea of myself in separation of me.

I forgive myself that I've not allowed myself to accept myself as who I am and to instead place acceptance in how I appear to others.

When and as I desire to sunbathe to achieve pretty, tan skin, to be prettier than others, to keep my partner interested in me, I stop I breath. I realize that who I am is here, equal and one to life in every breath and that I do not require to change my appearance to achieve beauty and acceptance, because I am already beauty within myself when I accept myself, which is the only way to true acceptance because I can only find acceptance within self. I do not require to be in a relationship to be fulfilled because I am always here, complete as who I am, in self acceptance, unchanged by outer appearance or relationships. I realize that when I desire power from outer appearance of beauty, that when the outer appearance of beauty is diminished, the 'power' is also diminished because it was never 'real power' in the first place. Real power is living in acceptance with self as equal to all life, standing up and following myself discipline to do what is best for all life as equals. I commit myself to continue writing self forgiveness and self corrective application so I can accept myself as who I am, as I appear, and see myself as equal to life, without desire to change myself or to feel the need to be a relationship.

When and as I am tempted to sunbathe for instant gratification and to ignore the possible consequence of skin cancer, I stop, I breathe. I realize that ignoring the possibility of cancer does not make it go away and that in ignorance, I may be causing damage to myself in the long term. I commit myself to face the possible consequences of harm to myself and face myself in self honesty.

When and as I feel embarrassment about being seen naked, close up by someone else, and ultimately fear being judged as 'gross', I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am fearing loss of acceptance from others because I am not completely accepting myself. I commit myself to continue on with DIP, and with writing, and continue on in self discipline by following myself corrective application so that I may gain self acceptance.