55 – Choice

I realize that I have been playing games with my self in order to make myself believe that I have choice and complete control. I choose how far I'll discipline myself, and do just what I feel like doing, leaving out the things that seem more difficult or less fun. I've strategically chosen what to discipline myself with, and push myself only enough to get just a little of the more grueling tasks done. I've written about this while still participating in my 'choice' to not complete my writing with sf and scs, because I have judged these steps as "time consuming". Writing out the 'story line' is much more pleasurable so that is what I chose to do. I waited until I was called on to stand up and take responsibility for writing myself out completely including sf and scs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that choice exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am in control and in power over my world, because 'I make my own choices'.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that choice has never really existed, because all choices were pre-determined through what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to exist as, as a mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind 'free will' and 'free choice'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my power within 'free will' and 'free choice'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowinfg myself to not want to give up my 'free will' and 'free choice' - because that means I will have to be self honest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing msyelf to fear self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to lose everything I have and everything I have defined myself as - if I were to give up 'free will' and 'free choice'.

I forgive myself for accepting and alowing myself to want to have the right to do anything I wnat to do, without consideration for anyone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my family, children and myself as more important than others in this world.

When and as I begin to play mind games, believeing to choose what I desire, procrastinating on things I don't feel like doing, thinking only of self in the moment, I stop, I breath. I realize that the only 'choice' I have is to stand as the ultimate expression of myself and the realization of myself in every moment, and when I play these games with self, I am only wasting time, creating a time loop, in my process of standing as my living word. I commit myself to become the directive principle of myself in my reality.

　

54 -Importance of responsibilities

Mind games are easy to play with self, and entertaining. They are also a false 'escape route'. So as I like to think I've found an escape to responsibility, I am only fooling myself into forgetting temporarily. I am stuffing my thoughts of “what needs to be done”, (judged as grueling), back into the deep realms of my secret mind.

Interesting, mind judges thought, then mind tucks away that judged thought accordingly, in sections of 'good' verses 'bad', and attempts to do anything it takes to forget about the 'bad', all the while placing the 'good' thoughts for-front and center as to soak in celebration of them.

Just a few examples of what thought of mine might make it into the 'good' section up front:

Instant reward

Familiar

Easy to complete

Quick to complete

And a few example of the 'bad' ones I like to 'store in the basement':

Little or no instant reward

Difficult

Unfamiliar

I've learned how to temporarily escape responsibilities, but without a good outcome. Like in my last post I mentioned depression from avoidance of responsibilities. These thoughts listed above are cluttering my head, making my shoulders heavy and heart pressed. They are thoughts, judgments, not action, not living.

The 'bad' ones are waiting for direction. Just sitting in my head. I need to face them as I face the 'good' ones, take responsibility, take action. Then I will be living my word, living in discipline, and realizing the importance of responsibilities.

I know how to do this as I have done it many times before. I think, I entertain myself, allowing myself to play these games until it becomes no more fun as I sink into the depression of in-action.

53 – Truth and Lies.......to self

Part One: Avoidance

It can be easy to lie to myself. If I want to avoid homework, I make myself focus on something else, something I know will catch my attention and keep things exciting. I'll think of how good I could look in a bikini on the beach this summer, only if I can get those 'six pack abs'. Then I go on a bike ride and do some planks. When I'm focused on gaining a hard body and feeling strong and free at the beach, I forget, momentarily, about my homework and I have 'freedom' from dread.

I'm avoiding the emotion of dread. Holding it back, burying it beneath my daydreams. I'm not facing it. I need to face it, and dig it out of me. I need to take responsibility instead of play these games.

Part Two: Depression

(part 2 written about 6 days after part 1)

For the past week I avoided what needed to be done and chose to do the things I considered to bring me

instant gratification. I pulled off the wallpaper border and painted the boys' bathroom. It was a lot of work that took me a few days to complete, but I still consider it 'instant gratification'. I wanted to give my boys something they would appreciate, especially since they have to clean their own bathroom. I figured they would be more happy about cleaning a room that they like. Because it took so much of my time, and because I was creating something for my kids, I told myself I needed to do that before anything else, including homework and studying.

I feel like I did this somewhat on purpose as a 'test' to my self and my last post about keeping up with things that need to be done. Well I was definitely right about that one! I haven't written or studied in a few days and I am beginning to feel depressed.

I felt so alive when I was being true to myself. Alive. Interesting.... I was living when I did the things I knew needed to be done. Now that I have been dishonest with myself, fooling myself into thinking that I don't need to do certain other things that I have defined as 'boring', and avoiding my responsibilities, I feel like I'm no longer living. My self is somewhere in here, shouting out “listen to me”, yet I'm ignoring me, while telling myself lies about the importance of my responsibilities.

To be continued...

52 – Writing self out

The Challenge

More than ten yrs ago, when I competed in the “Body for Life” challenge, I learned self control by writing down the steps I planned to take each day to reach my goals. Every night I wrote down what I planned on eating the next day, including the portion of each food, and I wrote down what I actually ate that day. Writing out what I was planning on eating the next day and then writing again the next evening what I actually ate helped me to stay true to myself. No 'sneaking' chocolate or junk food because everything would be written down as a statement saying how true to myself I was.

Funny how the mind can play tricks when we allow it. It took me writing everything down to stop me from allowing my self to play tricks on myself. It took me standing up and taking responsibility.

What I put in my mouth wasn't the only thing I recorded. How and how much I 'move' my body was recorded as well. I wanted to be stronger and leaner, so I made a commitment to myself. I would build muscle by lifting weights three days a week and burn calories with those muscles going for a 30 minute jog three days a week. I wrote everything down. Everything.

By the end of the three month challenge, my body was lean and strong and my mind was quick. I felt amazing physically and mentally and respected myself since I followed what I had planned and reached my goals. I learned to take control of my actions by being honest with myself. I learned self honesty by writing everything down and acting on what I committed myself to do. Doing household chores became easy since I was stronger. I began speaking more fluently than before the challenge, with descriptive words and my memory was sharp. I had changed my body and mind, I had taken control of myself and I was reaping the rewards. And this was all due to writing self out.

 

51 – Things are not going as planned.

I'm going to have to 'live with it'.

I realize I had been holding expectations about my future, my 'perfect outcome'. It was just a fantasy all along, one that fed excitement to myself as well as my husband, parents, and Pilates-studio owner. Carrying a goal is great, but allowing ones emotions and personal well being to become dependent on that goal's outcome is not so great. I felt like I was letting every one down as I struggled to work everything into my schedule without success. I just didn't factor in that my schedule is ever-changing due to parenting children and migraines.

I placed excitement in expectations of a particular future outcome and disappointment when things didn't hold up to my expectations. I rode the emotional roller coaster of excitement and disappointment. I'm off now, done with that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself into the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and picture what my future will be like in x amount of days, months, years.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what I project will happen in my mind, is real and will actually happen a I imagine it.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remain here in and as breath – but pre-occupy myself within my mind, entering an illusionary world where 'everything will be better'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – instead of directing myself within my physical reality and environment, to get things done that I require to do – imagine within my mind that I have already done these things and that I am enjoying the 'end result' – while in actual fact, I hav'nt given it 'my all'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use future projections to comfort me when I'm afraid of what might happen in the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use future projections to – in a moment- make me feel better, instead of taking responsibility and doing what needs to be done to sort out myself and whatever situation that is dis-satisfactory.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in judging my current reality as 'worse' than my projected/imagined future – immediately give up and believe that I am unable to change my current position or reality, because it looks like 'a lot of work' – giving up on myself before I have even started or given myself a chance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to simply sit back, imagining how I would like things to be. Waiting for someone else to come and 'give it' to me – instead of taking responsibility for myself, my experience and my environment – and moving myself to change myself and my world.

When and as I project the future, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am only imagining a pretend world in my mind, entertaining myself with these thoughts of what could be. I commit myself to direct myself back here in this moment and live day to day, physically doing what I need to do.

50 – Things are not going as planned.

A Mom with Migraines

I was 'supposed' to get re-certified as a personal trainer in the next couple of months, but that doesn't seem like it's happening quite yet.

When asked a few months ago by the owner of the Pilates studio I attend, “why aren't you working as a personal trainer now”, my reply was “because I have kids”. I thought that was THE reason until I pondered it further.

I used to work at a health club that was very competitive. Another trainer there said just about anything to get me 'in trouble' with the boss. The boss 'gave us' clients now and then, so we wanted to stay on her 'good side'. Also, the boss had been talking to me about promoting me. I think this other trainer was jealous and trying to 'win' his spot.

I realized that this memory and fear of this scenario happening again was an issue holding me back from getting re-certified. I assumed that this was the 'real' reason that held me back and that I had just kept it suppressed. I wanted so much to work in this new environment with these friendly people, the kids couldn't hold me back!

Now I am re-thinking this again. That suppressed fear may not have been the only reason for not getting a job as a trainer again, my kids ARE part of the reason I cannot go to work! In just the past couple of weeks, I've had to keep them home from school as they swapped fevers, coughs and a couple of stomach viruses, and even shared them with me. And on top of that, I also have migraines to plan around. It's not too easy to plan around a migraine, or five! (Last week I had 5 full migraine days out of seven, usually I have them two or three days per week.)

What a migraine is to me is no fun. Before the head pain, I'll sometimes see a spark of light, or hallucinate a rotten smell. I usually yawn a whole lot, like I can't stop, and I get really freezing cold and fatigued. My eyes get really sensitive to light, to where it hurts to keep them open, and my sense of smell increases to the point where everything stinks and makes me feel more nauseous. Noise seems amplified so much that it hurts my head, near my temple. I sometimes have to sleep sitting up because any down-ward position causes the throbbing pain to pound increasingly. Sometimes icing my head helps, other times it hurts it even more. On these migraine nights I usually don't get much sleep, unless a 'triptan' pill works, which a lot of times they don't., and even when they do make the migraine fade, I can't take any more than 2 or 3 per week since they can cause rebound headaches.

In my purse I carry a small glass bottle of migraine relief essential oils that I rub on my neck and wrists every few hours. I also have a small bottle of migraine holistic herbal pills that melt in my mouth when ever I feel any twinge of pain, which is usually through-out the day on most days. Feverfew, which is touted as one of the best holistic herbs available for migraine relief, is unfortunately not an option for me because I am allergic to the ragweed family. I have been paying close attention to my posture lately as well since I've heard that tight 'traps' and neck muscles can also be a migraine trigger.

Because migraines take up so much of my life, disabling me from the computer, night time TV show, quick movement, lights, smells, and noise, I have researched extensively on migraines. My life involves being a mom to two young boys, writing Journey to Life and DIP assignments on the computer, playing piano and singing, Pilates class, biking, gardening.... all these things that I cannot do when I have a migraine. I can't imagine being very dependable in teaching exercise classes at this time.

So a lot of what this is about is, I'm disappointed realizing that this 'dream' of mine to be a personal trainer at this Pilates studio is most likely not going to manifest anytime soon. Maybe not even until a few years from now, when my oldest son is of legal age to stay home without a parent. Disappointing others is not my 'strong suit' either. I don't want to disappoint my mom, dad, or husband with not being able to get a paying job. I don't want to disappoint my instructor, since she's shown enthusiasm so many times about me working for her. This is just what is happening. So I have to go with it. And they can too!

My partner is being cool about my 'dilemma' even though he wants me to bring in some money. He's given me to 'go' to grow veggies to save money. That is a job I can commit to.