31 – Return from Despair

The first two days off from writing I could barely avoid, the third day was still difficult to find the time, but I could have if I tried harder. After that I was out of the habit. It's much easier to 'give up' once I have a few days off. When I write daily, it is much easier to stick with it. Interesting. Because I have given myself a little leeway, I opened myself up to giving myself even more leeway. Bit by bit, more and more.

An excuse to ignore my situation, and do something more 'fun' instead such as internet research, piano, or window shopping, can get out of hand with this bit by bit 'rule'. So I have returned to writing. Now not only is my back and hip sore, but my arms are as well from playing so much piano! lol! What I do to myself.... Ok So back to discipline, even in the circumstance that is less than desirable. Even in this circumstance that I did not expect, I am back to doing what need to be done.

I thought because I cannot do what I want to do, what I was doing before, that I can only be happy if I continue to do these things I have labeled as 'happy'. Therefore, I must be 'unhappy' since I am no longer able to do these things that make me feel 'happy'. I then attempted to ignore my situation, ignore my unhappiness with the fact that I can no longer do the things I desire, and instead find another outside experience that would make me feel 'happy'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that happiness exists.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that happiness only exists, because sadness exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within being able to do the same things I have been doing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within Pilates class.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within being physically productive, cleaning out the house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within being pain-free.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within shopping.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within internet research, fulfilling curiosity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness outside and separate from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to 'find' happiness somewhere 'out there'

separate from me, instead of investigating why I am not happy with who I am in every moment and to change whatever it is that I am not happy with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only care about my personal happiness.

When and as I feel that I am not happy, and attempt to find other outside means to happiness, I stop, I breathe. I do not allow myself to distract my feelings with an outside source. I realize that I am the expression of joy of life within and as oneness and equality, and happiness is within me as who I am. I do not require outside experience such as new clothes, fulfilling curiosity, or a certain situation or laughter, and smiles to be 'happy'. This joy within me is the presence of me as who I am as life within oneness and equality – constant, stable, present, here in every breath.

I realize that happiness and excitement are of the same energetic frequency – and they originate from suppressed emotions. Therefore, inherently, happiness and excitement can only exist if negative experiences exist, such as sadness and disappointment from not doing what I had expected to be able to continue doing. Happiness and excitement are thus part of a polarity manifestation of the mind.

I commit myself to continue on with self discipline to do what needs to be done even in a situation that is unexpected. I commit myself to forgive myself for any lapses in disciple instead of giving into guilt and despondency. I commit myself to investigate why I am not feeling happy, instead of ignoring myself and attempting to find new 'happiness' from an outside source.