41- Little White Lies – “I can't do it”

 

I've been having problems with my back lately, where, if I lift something heavy, or repeat certain motions such as sweeping and mopping, certain back muscles 'flare up' and press against the sciatic nerve, causing shooting pains down my left leg. It becomes so painful that I cannot put any weight on that leg and in fact I usually stand in the same place for several minutes until eventually I hop to a comfortable place to sit.

Just a few days ago, as I was cleaning up dishes after dinner, I noticed a big heavy pot still filled with lentils that needed to be dumped out into a container for the refrigerator. I pictured myself lifting the pot with one hand, while scraping out the lentils into a bowl with the other hand causing me to strain my back into the sciatica again. I told my husband “I cannot clean out the pot of lentils, it's too heavy for me” then I thought “what would I do if he weren't here to help me? Would the pot stay full of lentils weeks on end?” Then I realized that I could scoop out the lentils by the spoonful, and yes, it would take considerably longer, but it could be done.

So saying “I can't do it” was in fact only partially the truth, only if I want to do it the quick way. But I can do it the slow way. Instead of taking responsibility of doing it the slow way, I abdicated responsibility to my husband because “it's much easier for him since he can do it the fast way”. I pretty much lied about not being able to clean out the pot, and I only consciously realized it after thinking about what I would do if he weren't here to help.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abdicate responsibility to clean out the pot to my husband.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself about not being able to clean the pot because I was too lazy to clean it out the slow way.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be lazy.

I forgive myself that accepted and allowed myself to lie to my husband about not being able to clean out the pot.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself about not being able to clean out the pot.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I could clean out the pot, just in a different way than I would usually do it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to jump so quickly to conclusion about not being able to clean out the pot.

I forgive myself that I've not accepted and allowed myself to brain-storm other ways to clean out the pot, but instead give up on being able to do it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself by automatically thinking that I could not clean out the pot, only because I couldn't clean it out the usual way that I do it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself instead of creating new ways to do things.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself only because I can no longer do things the same as I usually do them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself 'not being able to do things the usual way that I do them' as being 'victimized'.

When and as I notice myself immediately abdicating responsibility to another because of an aliment I am currently suffering, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am only giving up on myself because I have labeled myself as a “victim” that can 'no longer do things', when in fact, I am still able to do things, only in a different way. Instead of giving up responsibility because I label myself as a 'victim' who “can't do it”, I commit myself to think creatively about another way I can get the task done, therefore not becoming a victim, but only discovering a different way to do something.