42 – Instilling Trust, Security, and Stability in Children

I've noticed through my own experience of being a parent of almost ten years, that the more stable the home environment is, the more stable they are. In stability, I'm talking about not only a routine, but also stability in what they can expect from a parent when they mess up. I used to react immediately in anger, even if it was a raised voice, a demeaning manner in which I spoke, even for a second, it was enough to place fear and instability in my child. My child needs to know what he can expect, that he can trust me enough to be able to tell me when something is wrong without fearing my reaction. Otherwise, he will lie in attempt to keep from getting punished, or getting a reaction of disappointment from me whom he only wants to please.

I have two boys now, one almost ten and one that is six. I'm afraid I have already done some damage on the ten year old in the ways I used to react when he misbehaved, or spilled something. I was so stressed all the time, that when one more thing went wrong, I took out my stress on my kid. I would say such things as “I can't believe you did that!” in a demeaning manner. Such simple little words can really hurt a child's self esteem, I now realize. It's all in how I speak to him. I learned this before my second child was born, so I think he doesn't have quite the same self esteem issues as my first child does.

I wish I would have known this before, how much a reaction can hurt a child, but I was only following in my parents' footsteps – reacting in anger when something goes wrong. React, before thinking, and you end up speaking in ways you wish you hadn't. That's when something goes wrong – when kids won't trust me enough to be able to tell me when they are having a problem with something big because they will be too afraid of my reaction.

Kids make mistakes, and they learn from them, but they shouldn't have to feel guilt and shame to learn from their mistakes. They need to know they can trust the parent enough to go to the parent when they need help. They can learn by consequence other than a parent's demeaning reaction of disappointment in them.

Consequence such as if a child doesn't listen to the parent when he has been told not to go near the street while playing outside, the parent needs to warn the child that if he goes past a certain point, say within a few feet of the street, he will lose his privilege of playing outside for the day (or for what ever time being the parent believes is right for the child's age). The child learns that he needs to listen to the parent or he'll lose a privilege. No need to place shame in him, just follow the parent's rules or pay the consequence.

Another point, a huge point I've realized, consequence is a natural part of life and a parent must always follow through with the consequence. If I'm going to tell my son that their will be consequence if he doesn't listen, then I must follow through with that consequence, otherwise, he won't feel he has any reason to listen to me, because my words have no meaning. If my words have no meaning, and I'm the number one person my child looks up to, there is no stability for my child to depend on. I am the parent, I am the one to raise my children, to show them the way. I am their stability. I have to live my words. A parent cannot be weak, or the child will have absolutely no stability.

 

How do I teach my children to take care of themselves if there is no consequence for not following what I am teaching? If you eat unhealthy food all your life, you make yourself sick. A child cannot realize that in the short term of being a child, when it is so important to instill good eating habits. So the parent must make short term consequence for the child while teaching the importance of taking care if himself.

Real food is a must, not potato chips, and candy. My child is depending on me, their stability to teach them this. They didn't really like a lot of vegetables when they were younger, but now they do. We make habits and learn to like foods. Indians prefer Indian food, Asians prefer Asian food and so in. We make a habit of the foods we are raised on.

So how do my kids like vegetables now when they used to complain about them? A neat little 'trick' – feed them their veggies while they are really hungry. When they are finished eating their veggies, then they can eat the other foods they really prefer. And don't overdue it. If we don't like the way something tastes, it takes a little time for the taste to 'grow' on us. So I would only give my children one piece of what they don't like the first few times, while reminding them that if they avoid the food all together, they will never learn to like it and they will miss out on that food's particular health benefits. I slowly add more to their plate as they get used to it.

When once before my kids hated brussel sprouts and salads, after feeding them just a small amount at a time, now they ask for seconds. Just recently, my oldest, who used to complain that he 'hated' salads, asked for another bowl after finishing the first. When he used to only eat one brussel sprout, slowly, while complaining with every bite, he now eats four or five easily, with a smile on his face. When they want a special treat, they know they can eat it only after they eat something healthy because that is how we take care of ourselves.

Another cool improvement I've noticed recently, is with bedtime during sleep-overs. My kids used to stay up late, until the early morning hours, and wake up too early. They would only get maybe three or four hours of sleep, feel exhausted the next day, and when it came time to wake up for school Monday morning, they'd still feel too exhausted because they never had to chance to catch up on the sleep they needed. They would complain that they didn't want to go to school because they didn't want to have to wake up.

I came up with a consequence for their lack of sleep during sleep-overs. They were no longer allowed to have sleep-overs on a Saturday night since one night was not enough for catching up. After several months if this consequence, I gave them another chance at sleep-overs on Saturday nights. They could not complain or give me any trouble about going to school Monday morning. I recommended to them that they should go to bed at a decent time, no later then ten or eleven and I told them this while reminding them why. Not because “I said so”, but because if they go to bed too late, they will be exhausted the next two days and have trouble waking up for school. I told them that if they gave me any trouble on Monday morning about getting up and going to school, then I would take their Saturday night sleep-over privilege away again, for the rest of the school year.

They did not give me any trouble about going to school Mondays again, even though they still went to bed late Saturday night and didn't have much catch up sleep Sunday night. But after a while, they realized that it really is easier to just go to bed early during sleep-overs. I reminded them to try to go to bed at ten-o-clock when they slept over at their cousin's house recently and my brother told me the next day that when ten-o-clock came, they actually went straight to bed, without anyone telling them anything. They did it on their own because they didn't want to suffer the consequence of not getting enough sleep. They knew I wouldn't let them stay home from school to catch up, but instead I would take their Saturday night sleep-over privilege away. So they figured it out!

I was stable in my words. I followed through with the consequences. No longer do I react in anger to something they do 'wrong'. I don't shame my children. I don't spank my children. I don't need to. They know they have stability and trust within me. Now I'm not saying I am the 'perfect' parent, but I am realizing what a difference I have made within not reacting in anger or shame to their mistakes, with placing consequences for their actions, and with keeping my word. And what has helped me to realize my reactions, and stop placing blame of my reactions toward my children is what I 've learned through Desteni I Process and writing, as I have learned more about myself and what I have been accepting and allowing, such as instant reactions. Now I am taking responsibility for my own actions, and reactions, so that I am stable within myself and therefore stable for my children as well.

Me and my two boys :)