43-This is who I am

I am a 'singer'. I began as a child, singing my own made-up songs. In Middle school I joined the choir, and discovered my voice is a soprano. I stayed in choir all through middle, Jr. high, and as a freshman in high school, I auditioned for advanced choir and got in as a soprano. Our advanced choir was invited to sing at Carnegie Hall in New York that year, but I lost my chance at that life-time opportunity because I was kicked down to intermediate choir due to a 'no freshman in advanced choir' rule.

I was furious I missed out, and bummed out that I was 'stuck' in the intermediate choir, which was much less disciplined than I preferred. I was pissed that they came up with that rule months after I had been singing in advanced, especially since I auditioned for it and 'earned' my way in, but now that I think about it, maybe they made that rule because they didn't want the responsibility of any freshmen going to New York.

In all these years in a choir, singing, I labeled myself as 'a singer'. That was what I was good at, so that is what I wanted to be known as. I wanted to prove not only to myself that I can be really good at something, but I want to prove it to my parents as well. I felt the need to be the number one singer in my parent's eyes. It went to so far that I would get jealous whenever they would brag about another female singer with a beautiful voice.“What about me?” I thought, “I'm good!”

When my boyfriend at the time or even current husband would tell me about how much he liked a certain female singer, I would feel threatened. That is supposed to be MY specialty, that is what makes me important, worthwhile. I would take it as they didn't think I was any good, or that I was just okay, while these other singers were astonishing. I wanted to be the one to cast a spell over my man with my lovely voice, not some other woman! Dang, she's all up in my game, and that's not cool!

Singing was the one thing that made me proud of myself. I auditioned for the only soprano 1 spot in Madrigals and won. I auditioned for a solo in advanced choir recital and won. Singing was my forte. It was what raised my self esteem. It was what would keep people interested in me. I am a singer, this is who I am!

Years later, as I grew older, my larynx became damaged from silent gastro-intestional reflux. As I realized within the past few years that I don't have the same control over my voice as I used to I also realized I am losing my one talent that made me special. I went through a grieving phase at this loss of self. During this phase of grieving, I really felt hurt, and vulnerable whenever someone would tell me about how beautiful some other chic sings. What am I now?

I have used singing as a crutch for my self esteem all these years. Now my crutch is gone, and I'm a limping cripple. I have no specialty to keep people interested in me. I have nothing better to give to my husband or my parents, to make them proud. I am no longer “a singer”, even though I still sing on a daily basis. I don't expect anyone to be in awe with my singing, since I am only mediocre now. People can no longer judge me as the great singer. I have lost that. Now it is just me, without special talent, standing as self, as no better than others, but as equal to others.

Recently when my mom brought up a beautiful singer she heard on “The Voice”, I didn't feel jealous. I am not exactly sure what has changed, maybe I've accepted that fact that I can no longer sing so beautifully, that that dream is dead. Maybe I feel my mom accepts me for who I am since we've been spending so much time together lately. But I still get a little jealous when my husband plays the same Lorde songs over and over as he marvels at her beautiful voice and cool music. That can now never be me. I think being the one to 'woo' my man is sexy, and makes me feel more self assured in intimacy, now he's being 'woo-d' by some other woman.

It is in nature's program to attract the other mate with beauty whether it be sight, smell or sound. Peacocks spread their colorful feathers to attract the peahens. Fire-flies attract mates with their flashing lights. Cardinals sing songs back and forth to each other while perched on different branches. It is all in the desire to be the 'special one' that the other chooses to be with.

So as I let go of this label, as a singer, I let go of competition and separation from others. I am not above anyone. I now strive to realize myself as equal to and one with all life, and that means no more labels and no more comparison. I have to appreciate and accept self as I am equal to others, not as I feel the need to be better. For the need to be better arises from the feeling of not being good enough. I am focusing on removing myself from this polarity of the mind.