18 – What held me back – self forgiveness

Because I kept myself in fear of what might happen if I become a personal trainer again, I held myself back from actually moving forward in life. I stayed stuck in the past, in my mind's perception of the worst possibilities that may happen in the future. Instead of living as the physical as breath, I hid in the chambers of my mind, as I allowed my mind to fool myself into believing that my mind was protecting me from the future. But it was only holding me back with it's stories of possibilities. I was holding myself back, by hiding within my mind, and by authorizing my mind as my “protector”.

I feared I'd have to compete again, against other personal trainers for clients, and that I would not be able to handle the pressure of the competition. I feared confrontation and my reaction from the pressure. I feared being judged harshly by the other trainers, and I feared my reaction from feeling unaccepted. I feared that I wouldn't make enough money for it to be worth my effort, time and money it costs to get re-certified. I feared boredom from studying, and feared failing the exam after spending so much time studying, making it a waste of my time. I feared being pressured into promoting programs I don't agree with. I feared getting in “trouble”, disappointing my boss, getting fussed at by my boss, being judged as “bad” by my boss. I feared my response from getting fussed at and feeling like a “bad” employee. I still fear feeling “trapped” at work, in a situation that I don't want to be in and fear losing my “freedom” of being a stay-at-home mom.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear what might happen in the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'what might happen in the future' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to fear having to compete for clients.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'competing for clients' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my own reaction from confrontation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'my reaction from confrontation' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being judged harshly from other trainers and my boss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'being judged harshly from other trainers and my boss' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from self acceptance and competence at my job by accepting and allowing myself to define my self acceptance and competence at my job within being accepted and valued as competent by other trainers, my boss, and my clients.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to search for myself outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have lost myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to find myself outside of myself – instead of realizing and accepting that I am here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from other trainers, my boss and clients and everything that exists.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as equal and one with other trainers, my boss, and as all as everything that exists.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior to others.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts and feelings that 'I am not a good enough trainer', 'I am not competent', 'I am unable to handle confrontation', 'I am unable to pass the certification exam', 'I will feel trapped at a job outside of the home' – and believe such experiences to be real, to be me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'losing money' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear boredom with studying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'boredom with studying' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect 'boredom' to 'studying'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear failing the exam.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'failing the exam' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear wasting my time studying.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'wasting my time studying' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'studying' to 'a waste of time'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear feeling pressured to promote programs I disagree with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'feeling pressured to promote programs I disagree with' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear getting in trouble/disappointing/getting fussed at by my boss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'getting in trouble/disappointing/getting fussed at by my boss' to fear - and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my reaction to being judged as 'bad'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'getting judged as bad' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to place a negative charge to the word 'bad'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself by defining my trust within another.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my own self trust in defining and placing my trust within something or someone separate from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from other beings by placing my trust within them, instead of trusting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my trust in others because I am too afraid to take responsibility for myself, my life, and my creation as this world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place trust outside of myself because I am afraid of myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I place my trust in another, that they will betray and deceive me- equal and one to my starting point of self-deception within placing my trust outside of me.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that therefore betrayal doesn't actually exist.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry with other people for betraying me, not realizing that I betrayed myself within the very starting point of trusting them in the first place- and therefore I am responsible and cannot blame them for feeling betrayed.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I can't change the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'not being able to change the future to fear - and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear the future as if the future actually exists.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that the future doesn't actually exist, as it is just a projection of the mind – only the moment here exists.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I'll be worse-off in the future than I am now.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'being worse-off in the future than I am now' to fear - and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear the future because of how I have existed in the past.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to superimpose my past on my future.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to continuously re-create my past into the future through defining myself according to my past.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to my past, and to believe that my past is who I am.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as consciousness of past-present-future instead of being HERE as the breath of life in every here moment.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear feeling trapped at work.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'being trapped at work' to fear - and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my freedom from being a stay-at-home- mom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'losing my freedom from being a stay-at-home mom' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I have freedom when there is only one direction/way to live, what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'freedom' to 'being a house mom'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to value the word 'freedom' as good/positive – therefore trapping myself within the mind's thoughts of polarity judgment where there exists no good/positive without bad/negative.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word 'freedom'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to connect the word 'trapped' to 'a job outside the home'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge the word 'trapped' as bad/negative.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word 'trapped'.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that choice exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am in control and in power over my world because 'I make my own choices'.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that choice has never really existed because all choices were predetermined through what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to exist as, as a mind-consciousness system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind 'free will' and 'free choice'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to give up my 'free will' and 'free choice' because that means that I will have to be self honest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'self honesty' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use 'free will' and 'free choice' to justify why I shouldn't be honest with myself and face my fears of getting a job outside the home.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to rely on memories to tell me what to do/who to be.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust my mind instead of trusting myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my self responsibility to my mind in trusting my mind rather than me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to diminish my self trust through continuously choosing my mind over me- following what my mind tells me to do, suppressing myself – instead of doing and saying what requires to be done.