13 - accepting an imperfect  complexion

This morning, as I looked in the mirror while getting ready for Pilates, I noticed my less then perfect complexion. The spaces under my eyes are dark, my freckles seem bolder, red spots surround the edge of my nose, light brown splotches from the sun spread on my chin, and a red blemish resides by my hairline. So I did what I usually do before I go anywhere, I applied my tinted sunscreen. This is in attempt to make my skin look more even-toned. This is to hide my blemish, so no one judges me as 'gross'. This is to secure my self esteem, so I feel pretty, acceptable to others.

I know times in the past when I have made judgment on people because of their skin. Acne that stands out like volcanoes tend to gross me out, and I feel sorry for people who suffer from it. It is too distracting when trying to have a conversation with someone when they have a million zits all over their face. I think about how greasy their skin must be, and how painful it must be just to lie their face on their pillow. The thought, “maybe they have a hormonal problem, or they eat too much unhealthy foods and drinks” crosses my mind. The judgment I basically give them overall is they are “broken/damaged”, something is “wrong” with them.

But along with the negative judgments, I've also placed positive ones about people with perfect skin. “They must be really healthy and smart because they take great care of themselves.” Instead of pity, like I feel for people with bad skin, I feel admiration and respect. It is easier to talk to a person with beautiful skin, as I feel I'm able to listen better to what they say because what they say might be important, after all “they do know how to take care of themselves, it shows in their beautiful skin.”

These judgments I make seem ingrained in me. They are an instant reaction when I first look at someone. I don't prefer to make them, they just “pop up”. Often times, I attempt to correct myself in my mind as soon as I realize I'm making a judgment, to not judge the person as “different” because of their appearance, but it takes discipline, as I've allowed my mind to be programmed to react to appearance in judgment.

So because I hold judgment on others, I hold judgment on myself as well. I don't want others to pity me or judge me as “gross, broken, damaged, hormonal, or unable to care for myself”. If people are to judge, I prefer people to make the positive judgment, “she takes great care of herself”. Overall, I feel like I hide my imperfections so they do not distract another into judgment and from being able to hold a conversation with me. Usually I prefer to hide my imperfections, yet not apply loads of makeup, unless I'm going out on a date. Then I want to be “arm candy” for my husband, to feel more secure, but that's another topic of self esteem and desire to stay in a relationship, all together.

I've thought about wearing my regular, un-tinted sunscreen when I go out, because I know I am judging my appearance and depending on my tinted sunscreen to cover my imperfections. I'd like to accept myself completely as who I am without placing such importance on appearance. I know people do judge, automatically, and my fear of being judged negatively as consumed me to the point of having to cover up what I see as imperfections. I have worked through this before, a couple of years ago, when I shaved my head and stopped wearing all makeup. I felt liberated, self love, and self-acceptance as I wasn't holding myself down with the need to change, to fix my appearance. But I fell back into allowing myself to depend on appearance to feel “good” about myself. I wasn't writing so much, not applying self forgiveness, so I lost touch with myself, my self discipline, my self love. Now I will gain it back. I don't think it is “wrong” to wear tinted moisturizer to hide imperfections, after all, positive judgment can get you places in this system of money, like hired to help other's take care of themselves. I just want to get past the NEED for it to feel accepted by others, and ultimatly for my personal self acceptance, because I know you can't gain self acceptance from another being, you have to learn to love and accept yourself.