15 – Finding self acceptance within myself instead of searching for it from others

I mentioned in a previous post how I feel the need to wear make-up when I go on a date with my husband because I desire to be his 'arm candy'. This desire to be considered beautiful by my husband stems from the need to stay in this relationship so I can feel loved. Clearly, since I am searching for love from outside of me because I'm not finding it inside of me. I haven't disciplined myself to a point of trusting myself. Because I don't trust myself, I've allowed fear to be the deciding factor of what I do or don't do. No self discipline – I can't trust me. I don't decide what I will do, fear decides for me. How can I love myself when I can't even trust myself? The statement that I'm making when I wear make-up so I can keep my man loving me is that I am not accepting myself and I'm not even allowing myself to listen to ME.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to utter the word 'love'.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe that I require to be in a 'relationship' to be able to exist.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to speak system language by daring to utter the word 'love'.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to believe in the illusion that love really, actually exists.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to deceive myself in believing that love exists.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to deceive myself in believing that I require a relationship in this world.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I stand alone, as all as one.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that in uttering the word 'love', I in that moment am saying that I'm a system that requires another system, wants another system, desires another system, to form a connection as a relationship to be able to exist in this world.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to trust love.

I forgive myself that I've allowed myself to desire love because I haven't allowed myself to accept myself alone, as just me.

I commit myself to discipline myself to writing as often as I am able to, applying self forgiveness and self application to break all the programmed barriers to myself, pull myself out from beneath the system, and become living word as flesh with the ability to listen to myself, trust myself and direct myself instead of allowing the system to direct me.

I commit myself to no longer allow fear and self interest to influence/direct my decisions, as fear is my own make-believe mind perception and self interest separates me from life, placing me in my secret chambers of my mind. I commit to act in all ways in what is best for all life as I know that what is best for all life is what is best for me as well as I am equal to and one with all life.

I commit myself to no longer separate myself from others, from all life, by attempting to 'make-up' and 'pretend' to be prettier or better than others because I realize that we are all equal as life.

I commit myself to look within myself through writing, and find what it is I am not accepting within myself, how I am allowing myself to separate myself from life by fooling myself as my mind, and to apply myself in living word through action in participation, not as my own separate chamber of my mind, in my own self interest, but in what is best for all life