Day 5- Scripts – weigh the consequences

I understand what you are talking about with the desire to feel high, happy, energetic. I felt that way when I smoked weed, and drank alcohol. But I quit those habits a while back, and got over the desire to feel high. I was comfortable just being and prefer it, feeling “normal”. But a few months ago, I began to feel extreme fatigue, like I've only felt when I was in the first trimester of pregnancy, shoot, I even took a pregnancy test to see if that is what was causing it. I couldn't even watch my favorite show without passing out within ten minutes, and this was during the day. I have always slept my best on eight or nine hours of sleep per night, well, more like nine, until a few months ago, when the heavy fatigue pushed me down. I slept sixteen hours a day, my limbs felt heavy, and I was constantly having to rest my head on the table if I was sitting, and that was crazy unusual for me. I thought something had to be wrong with me, which is why I saw the Dr., but my tests came out fine, well except for one, that she's not sure about. Plus Dr. is thinking I may have chronic fatigue syndrome (from adrenal fatigue).

I was on the Fluoxetine for three weeks. My anxiety diminished, yet I couldn't stand the side effects, plus it did nothing for my fatigue and excessive sleep. So that is when she prescribed me the Buproprion, because it has less of the side effects I don't want and it wakes me up. I've only been on it for a six days before I quit, so I'm definitely not “used to it”. I want to feel normal. Yes the energy is nice, because now I'm not always lying down or sleeping, I can carry things and actually get stuff done. I like that I can have conversations more freely, that is like an extra perk, but unnecessary for me, because I'm used to being quiet. So there are certain things I enjoy about it, but overall I want to feel like me again. I have to weigh the consequences, because there is no magic pill to make me feel normal.

I've been using an all natural essential oil concoction that is supposed to help with the migraines, but I haven't really had much relief with it. I am a very healthy eater, I love to eat a lot of veggies and fruits and berries all day every day. I believe what we eat and how we take care of our bodies effects the chemical make up in our brains and hormones throughout our bodies. Even with the extreme fatigue, I still drag myself outside to walk and ride my bike. When I had major depression and anxiety as a teenager, I would go on early morning runs, to let out anxiety. I can't quite run as much, since my body breaks down so much more quickly these days and my muscles seam to always be in pain. But I still jog -walk a mile most days of the week, and of course, ride my bike way longer.

Migraines and depression run in my family, on my mom and dad's side, and I didn't get migraines until recently. I thought I was lucky, because I never got headaches yet my parents would get them every week. My dad gets them so bad he spends hours vomiting. I often feel like I have to vomit with a migraine but luckily haven't yet. I never fully understood what a migraine was until recently, and I have to say it's absolutely debilitating. I really don't want to be on Fluoxetine, because I cant stand the side effects, but basically at this point have to chose between that and migraines. I get the migraines two to three times per week. I heard there s new treatment for them, some kind of simple brain surgery. Crazy to call brain surgery simple! I'm actually thinking I might want to do it because I cannot stand to be on meds that are making me feel weird.

It felt so nice to be normal. No drugs, no alcohol, no highs, no lows, no meds. I want to be there again. That is all I want. I will continue on with my writing of course, because I do agree that it is my mind I have to face, but I also believe that some things are genetic, and if I can get past this through writing, it may take me years. In the meantime, I'm searching for help along the way, to keep me living, not sleeping, and certainly not in constant pain and nausea.