50 – Things are not going as planned.

A Mom with Migraines

I was 'supposed' to get re-certified as a personal trainer in the next couple of months, but that doesn't seem like it's happening quite yet.

When asked a few months ago by the owner of the Pilates studio I attend, “why aren't you working as a personal trainer now”, my reply was “because I have kids”. I thought that was THE reason until I pondered it further.

I used to work at a health club that was very competitive. Another trainer there said just about anything to get me 'in trouble' with the boss. The boss 'gave us' clients now and then, so we wanted to stay on her 'good side'. Also, the boss had been talking to me about promoting me. I think this other trainer was jealous and trying to 'win' his spot.

I realized that this memory and fear of this scenario happening again was an issue holding me back from getting re-certified. I assumed that this was the 'real' reason that held me back and that I had just kept it suppressed. I wanted so much to work in this new environment with these friendly people, the kids couldn't hold me back!

Now I am re-thinking this again. That suppressed fear may not have been the only reason for not getting a job as a trainer again, my kids ARE part of the reason I cannot go to work! In just the past couple of weeks, I've had to keep them home from school as they swapped fevers, coughs and a couple of stomach viruses, and even shared them with me. And on top of that, I also have migraines to plan around. It's not too easy to plan around a migraine, or five! (Last week I had 5 full migraine days out of seven, usually I have them two or three days per week.)

What a migraine is to me is no fun. Before the head pain, I'll sometimes see a spark of light, or hallucinate a rotten smell. I usually yawn a whole lot, like I can't stop, and I get really freezing cold and fatigued. My eyes get really sensitive to light, to where it hurts to keep them open, and my sense of smell increases to the point where everything stinks and makes me feel more nauseous. Noise seems amplified so much that it hurts my head, near my temple. I sometimes have to sleep sitting up because any down-ward position causes the throbbing pain to pound increasingly. Sometimes icing my head helps, other times it hurts it even more. On these migraine nights I usually don't get much sleep, unless a 'triptan' pill works, which a lot of times they don't., and even when they do make the migraine fade, I can't take any more than 2 or 3 per week since they can cause rebound headaches.

In my purse I carry a small glass bottle of migraine relief essential oils that I rub on my neck and wrists every few hours. I also have a small bottle of migraine holistic herbal pills that melt in my mouth when ever I feel any twinge of pain, which is usually through-out the day on most days. Feverfew, which is touted as one of the best holistic herbs available for migraine relief, is unfortunately not an option for me because I am allergic to the ragweed family. I have been paying close attention to my posture lately as well since I've heard that tight 'traps' and neck muscles can also be a migraine trigger.

Because migraines take up so much of my life, disabling me from the computer, night time TV show, quick movement, lights, smells, and noise, I have researched extensively on migraines. My life involves being a mom to two young boys, writing Journey to Life and DIP assignments on the computer, playing piano and singing, Pilates class, biking, gardening.... all these things that I cannot do when I have a migraine. I can't imagine being very dependable in teaching exercise classes at this time.

So a lot of what this is about is, I'm disappointed realizing that this 'dream' of mine to be a personal trainer at this Pilates studio is most likely not going to manifest anytime soon. Maybe not even until a few years from now, when my oldest son is of legal age to stay home without a parent. Disappointing others is not my 'strong suit' either. I don't want to disappoint my mom, dad, or husband with not being able to get a paying job. I don't want to disappoint my instructor, since she's shown enthusiasm so many times about me working for her. This is just what is happening. So I have to go with it. And they can too!

My partner is being cool about my 'dilemma' even though he wants me to bring in some money. He's given me to 'go' to grow veggies to save money. That is a job I can commit to.