51 – Things are not going as planned.

I'm going to have to 'live with it'.

I realize I had been holding expectations about my future, my 'perfect outcome'. It was just a fantasy all along, one that fed excitement to myself as well as my husband, parents, and Pilates-studio owner. Carrying a goal is great, but allowing ones emotions and personal well being to become dependent on that goal's outcome is not so great. I felt like I was letting every one down as I struggled to work everything into my schedule without success. I just didn't factor in that my schedule is ever-changing due to parenting children and migraines.

I placed excitement in expectations of a particular future outcome and disappointment when things didn't hold up to my expectations. I rode the emotional roller coaster of excitement and disappointment. I'm off now, done with that.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself into the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and picture what my future will be like in x amount of days, months, years.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that what I project will happen in my mind, is real and will actually happen a I imagine it.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to remain here in and as breath – but pre-occupy myself within my mind, entering an illusionary world where 'everything will be better'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to – instead of directing myself within my physical reality and environment, to get things done that I require to do – imagine within my mind that I have already done these things and that I am enjoying the 'end result' – while in actual fact, I hav'nt given it 'my all'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use future projections to comfort me when I'm afraid of what might happen in the future.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use future projections to – in a moment- make me feel better, instead of taking responsibility and doing what needs to be done to sort out myself and whatever situation that is dis-satisfactory.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to, in judging my current reality as 'worse' than my projected/imagined future – immediately give up and believe that I am unable to change my current position or reality, because it looks like 'a lot of work' – giving up on myself before I have even started or given myself a chance.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to simply sit back, imagining how I would like things to be. Waiting for someone else to come and 'give it' to me – instead of taking responsibility for myself, my experience and my environment – and moving myself to change myself and my world.

When and as I project the future, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am only imagining a pretend world in my mind, entertaining myself with these thoughts of what could be. I commit myself to direct myself back here in this moment and live day to day, physically doing what I need to do.