53 – Truth and Lies.......to self

Part One: Avoidance

It can be easy to lie to myself. If I want to avoid homework, I make myself focus on something else, something I know will catch my attention and keep things exciting. I'll think of how good I could look in a bikini on the beach this summer, only if I can get those 'six pack abs'. Then I go on a bike ride and do some planks. When I'm focused on gaining a hard body and feeling strong and free at the beach, I forget, momentarily, about my homework and I have 'freedom' from dread.

I'm avoiding the emotion of dread. Holding it back, burying it beneath my daydreams. I'm not facing it. I need to face it, and dig it out of me. I need to take responsibility instead of play these games.

Part Two: Depression

(part 2 written about 6 days after part 1)

For the past week I avoided what needed to be done and chose to do the things I considered to bring me

instant gratification. I pulled off the wallpaper border and painted the boys' bathroom. It was a lot of work that took me a few days to complete, but I still consider it 'instant gratification'. I wanted to give my boys something they would appreciate, especially since they have to clean their own bathroom. I figured they would be more happy about cleaning a room that they like. Because it took so much of my time, and because I was creating something for my kids, I told myself I needed to do that before anything else, including homework and studying.

I feel like I did this somewhat on purpose as a 'test' to my self and my last post about keeping up with things that need to be done. Well I was definitely right about that one! I haven't written or studied in a few days and I am beginning to feel depressed.

I felt so alive when I was being true to myself. Alive. Interesting.... I was living when I did the things I knew needed to be done. Now that I have been dishonest with myself, fooling myself into thinking that I don't need to do certain other things that I have defined as 'boring', and avoiding my responsibilities, I feel like I'm no longer living. My self is somewhere in here, shouting out “listen to me”, yet I'm ignoring me, while telling myself lies about the importance of my responsibilities.

To be continued...