56 – Friction Within

I bent my thumbnail backwards. I wasn’t paying attention to my physical body and forced my thumb too close against the cabinet door, bending my thumbnail backwards. I immediately reacted in anger. There, then, I realize the friction within me because of this reaction.  What is the friction inside coming from? Why am I holding anger within myself? 

 

My kids have been home with me just about the entire week. I have not had much time in silence, to get things done from start to finish. I have been very busy picking lice and eggs out of my youngest son’s hair, and washing a lot of laundry. I also have spent much more time than I’m used to preparing meals and cleaning dishes. This on top of the usual tasks I do, like pond, garden, yard work, caring for and cleaning up after five animals, biking, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, scrubbing (white) cabinets, trim, walls, doors, and floors, has kept my muscles a bit sore and my mind cluttered.

 

Even if my muscles can handle a workout at the studio, I don’t think I feel up to going. But I do feel pressure to go. I feel like I’m disappointing my mom and the studio owner every time I can’t make it to class, and that has been more often than I would like.

 

Migraines, sick kids, and kids with lice, have kept me bound to home.  After a week with the kids out of school, I have so much stuff to do. Now that the kids are in school I have time to get things done, before they get home at four-o-clock. After they get home, I will be spending the evening helping out with homework, studying, cooking, cleaning, reading to the kids and putting them to bed. My time will be up.

 

I’m back after a break. I have been cleaning up the creatures the cats brought in today, and the blood in the curtains and on the floors from the wounded bird that flew into the window with an already bloody wing. The bird ended up in the windowsill after a few chases from the cats back and forth. Just before capturing the bird, as I reached for it, the helpless little guy pooped from fright.

 

I go back to the inner-friction. Things don’t always go the way I plan, and that is fine, I can usually roll with it, but not when I already have something a mess in my head. I have realized that the friction and anger I have against these things happening is anger that is within me, and has nothing to do with ‘things’, and everything to do with self acceptance and allowance. I realize that I bent my nail back, hurt myself because I am not aware. I am in my head instead.

 

I need to speak up for myself. I need to talk to my mom and the studio owner and trainer about this issue with me not being able to meet up to their expectations. I am creating friction within me because I am not facing myself and speaking up about what it is that I feel.  I am not living as myself, my living word, instead I am only attempting to please another. But I have no responsibility on pleasing others. I can’t please everyone all the time. Things come up, they have to realize that and I have to be comfortable with myself enough to not let their disappointment get to me.

 

All these things are ideal to place blame on and not face self. Facing self is what I must do to release this friction within me. Blame will get me nowhere.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will lose myself, within this implying that I am able to ‘get lost’. Thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is possible for me to ‘be lost’, within the realization that I am here, always.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect losing self to fear and thus – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing a chance at getting a job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing a chance at getting a job’ to fear and thus – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing friendship with my mom and studio owner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing my friendship with my mom and studio owner’ to fear and thus- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear of loss to be the very nature of who I am.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create from a starting point of fear of loss, instead of realizing that my creation is equal and one as me and therefore, I cannot lose my creation, because my creation is me.

 

When and as I notice myself bumping into things, hurting myself, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this is due to lack of awareness, and that I am ‘living’ in my mind, not in the physical and that I am in my mind because of this friction within me that I have face. I commit myself to face myself, face my fears, apply self-forgiveness and stand up for myself. I commit myself to not take responsibility for another’s emotions, but to take responsibility for my own.