57 – Reacting in fear and anger to possible loss of child.

 

Everything stopped as soon as I got a phone call from my sons’ school, about 2 and a-half hours after I put my sons on the bus. A message from their school phone call said my youngest son was absent from school. How could this be?? I quickly thought of all the possibilities of where my son could be. He’s only six years old and he could have been kidnapped.

 

The music I had been joyfully singing along to a minute ago now became my enemy as I quickly found my phone and called the school back. Anger rushed through me as I fumbled for the ‘STOP’ button on the CD player. “Where the hell is the stupid stop button!?” I thought. I found it, stopped the music, and breathed.

 

I told the school secretary about the message I had just received from the school, about Alexander being absent, (yet he should be at school). I waited frantically as she put me on hold, just for her to say - “Yes, he is marked absent today”. I assumed she would just ask his teacher by intercom before checking anything else to make sure he was there since I had phoned her about it.  Instead I had to wait, with all this frantic nervousness going on within. She put me on hold again to check with his teacher, (finally). More thoughts raced through my head as I waited again. In a moment’s time, the secretary was back on the phone, and she said, “We have it all taken care of, he’s in his classroom.” I felt a rush of relief, and then a small tinge of frustration that she didn’t apologize for the school’s mess up that caused me to ride this emotional roller coaster.

 

I realize that I had this emotional reaction because of this fear I have within me. I fear to lose my children, my creation. I have written about this before, and done self-forgiveness as well, yet, if I could call this little ‘mishap’ a test of relational-independency I’d have to say I didn’t pass. The rush of intense emotions I reacted in told me so.