63 taken

 

I am taken by the change in perspective. No negative reactions to people have come up within me.

Pain and fatigue has slowed me down and taught me patience and empathy.

 

Recently, my husband sarcastically exerted anger towards me and I had absolutely no negativity, no angry reaction. I actually thought the way he was acting was a bit humorous, not in a - “I hope he suffers for pissing me off”-way, but in a way I felt like I was a bystander, observing the situation, not IN the situation. I didn’t want to do anything that might trigger him to think I was being spiteful and get more upset, so I hid my smile and looked out the window. I simply saw it for what it was, “my husbands anger, this is how he chose to handle it, that has nothing to do with me.” 

 

When my kids make a mess, I have no reaction within. Sometimes I just make path and let it be, blocks and army men spread out all over the floor. Other times I simply teach them how to clean it up, and they listen and follow my instructions. They, along with my husband, have been showing desire to help me since I haven’t been able to do nearly what I used to do, and since I have no anger in my tone when I ask them. Plus, my sons have seen me cry days on end, as I grieved for my old self, almost motionless, draped over the kitchen table like a cloth.

 

 My parents and my brother have been considerate and helpful as well. Mom and dad gave me a dictation to text software program for times I cannot write or look at a screen, and my brother has driven to my house to pick up the boys when I had a migraine. I am thankful my family has been so sympathetic and willing to help.

 

Having limited ability to do the ‘normal’ things people do, things that I used to do, I have realized how to slow down and pay attention to myself in and as the physical, not worry in my thoughts about pleasing everyone. I am facing my fear of saying “no” and fear of disappointing others, and instead, speaking up and taking care of myself. I realize that I am not responsible for another person’s emotions, but I am responsible for my own and for taking care of ME!