59 – s l o w and painful

Living with Fibromyalgia

 

The best description of my action and experience within my physical body as of the past week and a half is ‘slow and painful’. This has happened before, many times in the past year. I wake up with my muscles stiff, and sore with widespread spasms, cramping, shooting pains, sometimes with shooting pains so bad I cannot stand on both feet. The pain causes me to instantly shout before realizing I’m shouting! Then I react in embarrassment realizing my loss of physical control in my larynx (voice box) as I notice concerned faces around me.

 

I feel limited in doing my daily tasks such as writing, laundry, cooking and cleaning up for four people, washing the floors and windows, scrubbing stains out of carpet, walls, doors, cabinets, scrubbing everything! I’m pruning, sawing, weed-eating, pulling weeds, lifting heavy bags of soil, manure, and mulch, practicing piano, Plates and bike riding. And then, all of a sudden, it all stops.

 

I am realizing that I am going to have to embrace and accept this change in lifestyle, and also the possibility of not being able to accomplish some of my personal goals like playing piano and singing at restaurants eventually on a regular basis as a means to earn cash. Also, personal training might have to be buried along with piano since when I have an attack I am too fatigued and in pain to move around. I have become depressed, physically, from doing the things I do in my life. Everything hurts, even typing, so everything I do is now completed in a longer time period than what I am used to. And I am most disappointed that I am unable to play the piano as much as I’d like.

 

My eyes are constantly dry and gritty, and itchy, it is very uncomfortable. Allergy eye drops sometimes help with the itchy-ness but the gritty dry feeling is still harassing me. I’ve learned that this eye issue is a symptom of Fibromyalgia.

 

My desire to please people around me has only exasperated my condition. My mom and personal trainer held expectations of me that I could not follow. They pushed me to keep working out when I knew it would be too much for me. I tried to explain to them so many times that I couldn’t do as much as what they expected.  Now that I am experiencing a “Fibro Flare” I am now to the point that I don’t really care anymore about pleasing others, I have trust in myself, I am taking care of myself.