15 – Finding self acceptance within
myself instead of searching for it from others
I mentioned in a previous post how I
feel the need to wear make-up when I go on a date with my husband
because I desire to be his 'arm candy'. This desire to be considered
beautiful by my husband stems from the need to stay in this
relationship so I can feel loved. Clearly, since I am searching for
love from outside of me because I'm not finding it inside of me. I
haven't disciplined myself to a point of trusting myself. Because I
don't trust myself, I've allowed fear to be the deciding factor of
what I do or don't do. No self discipline – I can't trust me. I
don't decide what I will do, fear decides for me. How can I love
myself when I can't even trust myself? The statement that I'm making
when I wear make-up so I can keep my man loving me is that I am not
accepting myself and I'm not even allowing myself to listen to ME.
I forgive myself that I've allowed
myself to utter the word 'love'.
I forgive myself that I've allowed
myself to believe that I require to be in a 'relationship' to be able
to exist.
I forgive myself that I've allowed
myself to speak system language by daring to utter the word 'love'.
I forgive myself that I've allowed
myself to believe in the illusion that love really, actually exists.
I forgive myself that I've allowed
myself to deceive myself in believing that love exists.
I forgive myself that I've allowed
myself to deceive myself in believing that I require a relationship
in this world.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed
myself to realize that I stand alone, as all as one.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed
myself to realize that in uttering the word 'love', I in that moment
am saying that I'm a system that requires another system, wants
another system, desires another system, to form a connection as a
relationship to be able to exist in this world.
I forgive myself that I've allowed
myself to trust love.
I forgive myself that I've allowed
myself to desire love because I haven't allowed myself to accept
myself alone, as just me.
I commit myself to discipline myself to
writing as often as I am able to, applying self forgiveness and self
application to break all the programmed barriers to myself, pull
myself out from beneath the system, and become living word as flesh
with the ability to listen to myself, trust myself and direct myself
instead of allowing the system to direct me.
I commit myself to no longer allow fear
and self interest to influence/direct my decisions, as fear is my own
make-believe mind perception and self interest separates me from
life, placing me in my secret chambers of my mind. I commit to act in
all ways in what is best for all life as I know that what is best for
all life is what is best for me as well as I am equal to and one with
all life.
I commit myself to no longer separate
myself from others, from all life, by attempting to 'make-up' and
'pretend' to be prettier or better than others because I realize that
we are all equal as life.
I commit myself to look within myself
through writing, and find what it is I am not accepting within
myself, how I am allowing myself to separate myself from life by
fooling myself as my mind, and to apply myself in living word through
action in participation, not as my own separate chamber of my mind,
in my own self interest, but in what is best for all life
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