60 - Slow and painful- Living with Fibromyalgia SF and SCS

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to care about pleasing others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself place ‘pleasing others’ as more important than caring for myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place ‘pleasing others’ over my personal, physical wellbeing.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to trust in others instead of trusting myself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to place trust in others before trust in myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow the advice of others when I know better about myself and what I am capable of.

I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to listen to my self but instead listen to the advice of others.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to follow the advice of others because I am too afraid that they will not accept me if I don’t.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to search for approval and acceptance from others.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate why I am not accepting self but instead to search for acceptance outside of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid investigating myself because ultimately I would have to face myself, and take responsibility to improve upon what it is I am not accepting within myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself try to ignore the fact that one day I will have to face myself and that by my unwillingness to take responsibility and face myself, I am only prolonging my process of self perfection.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself desire acceptance from my mom.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of my mom being angry with me.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when my mom was upset with me about not going to as many classes the expected.

 

When and as I feel the need to please others, I stop, I breathe I pull myself out of my mind, from thoughts and fears. I breathe slowly, deeply, experiencing this moment, here,  in my physical body. I realize that when I have these thoughts that I must please others for approval, that there is something within self that I am not willing to face that I have to face. I commit myself to investigate myself, figure out what it is that I am not accepting within self, forgive self, and take necessary steps to improve upon what it is I am not accepting. I commit myself to be responsible for myself.

 

 

 

 

59 – s l o w and painful

Living with Fibromyalgia

 

The best description of my action and experience within my physical body as of the past week and a half is ‘slow and painful’. This has happened before, many times in the past year. I wake up with my muscles stiff, and sore with widespread spasms, cramping, shooting pains, sometimes with shooting pains so bad I cannot stand on both feet. The pain causes me to instantly shout before realizing I’m shouting! Then I react in embarrassment realizing my loss of physical control in my larynx (voice box) as I notice concerned faces around me.

 

I feel limited in doing my daily tasks such as writing, laundry, cooking and cleaning up for four people, washing the floors and windows, scrubbing stains out of carpet, walls, doors, cabinets, scrubbing everything! I’m pruning, sawing, weed-eating, pulling weeds, lifting heavy bags of soil, manure, and mulch, practicing piano, Plates and bike riding. And then, all of a sudden, it all stops.

 

I am realizing that I am going to have to embrace and accept this change in lifestyle, and also the possibility of not being able to accomplish some of my personal goals like playing piano and singing at restaurants eventually on a regular basis as a means to earn cash. Also, personal training might have to be buried along with piano since when I have an attack I am too fatigued and in pain to move around. I have become depressed, physically, from doing the things I do in my life. Everything hurts, even typing, so everything I do is now completed in a longer time period than what I am used to. And I am most disappointed that I am unable to play the piano as much as I’d like.

 

My eyes are constantly dry and gritty, and itchy, it is very uncomfortable. Allergy eye drops sometimes help with the itchy-ness but the gritty dry feeling is still harassing me. I’ve learned that this eye issue is a symptom of Fibromyalgia.

 

My desire to please people around me has only exasperated my condition. My mom and personal trainer held expectations of me that I could not follow. They pushed me to keep working out when I knew it would be too much for me. I tried to explain to them so many times that I couldn’t do as much as what they expected.  Now that I am experiencing a “Fibro Flare” I am now to the point that I don’t really care anymore about pleasing others, I have trust in myself, I am taking care of myself.