58- SF and SCS on Fear of losing a child:

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing my child’ to fear and thus – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

 

My children are my creation.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose my creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing my creation’ to fear and thus – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear of loss to be the very nature of who I am.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create from a starting point of fear of loss, instead of realizing that my creation is equal and one as me and therefore, I cannot lose my creation, because my creation is me.

 

My creation is myself.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear to lose myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing myself’ to fear and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will lose myself, within this implying that I am able to ‘get lost’. Thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is possible to ‘be lost’, within the realization that I am here always.

 

 

 

My life is ‘happy, loving, and fulfilled’ as a parent to my two boys.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to judge and label my life- situation as ‘happy, loving, and fulfilled’ as a parent to my two boys, in realizing that within this judgment of happy, there is also the polarity of the mind that is sad, and in this judgment of loving, there is also the polarity of the mind of hate, and within the judgment of fulfillment, there is also the polarity of the mind that is un-fulfillment.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in the polarity manifestation of the mind, instead of realizing myself as here in the physical.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that happiness exists.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that happiness only exists, because sadness exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within being in a parent-child relationship with my two boys.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness within spending time with my children.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define happiness outside and separate from me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be happy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to ‘find’ happiness somewhere ‘out there’ separate from me, instead of investigating why I am not happy with who I am in every moment and to change whatever it is that I am not happy with.

 

 

 I view my ‘happy, loving and fulfilled’ life as ‘good quality’.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the quality of life I am currently enjoying as a parent to my two boys.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘losing the quality of life that I am currently enjoying as a parent to two boys’ to fear and thus – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

 

When and as I fear to lose my children, I stop, I breathe. I realize that fear of loss is the origin of my nature, I created from a starting point of fear of loss and therefore created more and more in an attempt to ‘make my creation more real’  - to just not lose my creation. I realize that my children are ‘my creation’ whom I have become attached to and dependent on emotionally, and I understand that it is I choosing to participate in the polarity manifestation of the mind.

 I commit myself to bring myself back here in the physical by breath and investigate the separation I am allowing as I choose to live in the polarity manifestation of the mind, so that I may know myself to be and live as one, equal with my creation. 

 

When and as fear losing my happiness if I lose my children, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I have defined happiness within being a mom to my children, whereby I require to be in the parent-child relationship, dependent on beings separate from self, to be able to feel ‘happy’. I realize also that happiness originates from suppressed emotions and therefore inherently, happiness can exist if negative experiences exist, such as sadness and disappointment and that happiness is therefore part of a polarity manifestation of the mind.

I commit myself to continuing on with writing out self-forgiveness and self-corrective application to live in self-honesty so I will accept myself as the expression of joy of life within as oneness and equality.

 

57 – Reacting in fear and anger to possible loss of child.

 

Everything stopped as soon as I got a phone call from my sons’ school, about 2 and a-half hours after I put my sons on the bus. A message from their school phone call said my youngest son was absent from school. How could this be?? I quickly thought of all the possibilities of where my son could be. He’s only six years old and he could have been kidnapped.

 

The music I had been joyfully singing along to a minute ago now became my enemy as I quickly found my phone and called the school back. Anger rushed through me as I fumbled for the ‘STOP’ button on the CD player. “Where the hell is the stupid stop button!?” I thought. I found it, stopped the music, and breathed.

 

I told the school secretary about the message I had just received from the school, about Alexander being absent, (yet he should be at school). I waited frantically as she put me on hold, just for her to say - “Yes, he is marked absent today”. I assumed she would just ask his teacher by intercom before checking anything else to make sure he was there since I had phoned her about it.  Instead I had to wait, with all this frantic nervousness going on within. She put me on hold again to check with his teacher, (finally). More thoughts raced through my head as I waited again. In a moment’s time, the secretary was back on the phone, and she said, “We have it all taken care of, he’s in his classroom.” I felt a rush of relief, and then a small tinge of frustration that she didn’t apologize for the school’s mess up that caused me to ride this emotional roller coaster.

 

I realize that I had this emotional reaction because of this fear I have within me. I fear to lose my children, my creation. I have written about this before, and done self-forgiveness as well, yet, if I could call this little ‘mishap’ a test of relational-independency I’d have to say I didn’t pass. The rush of intense emotions I reacted in told me so.

 

56 – Friction Within

I bent my thumbnail backwards. I wasn’t paying attention to my physical body and forced my thumb too close against the cabinet door, bending my thumbnail backwards. I immediately reacted in anger. There, then, I realize the friction within me because of this reaction.  What is the friction inside coming from? Why am I holding anger within myself? 

 

My kids have been home with me just about the entire week. I have not had much time in silence, to get things done from start to finish. I have been very busy picking lice and eggs out of my youngest son’s hair, and washing a lot of laundry. I also have spent much more time than I’m used to preparing meals and cleaning dishes. This on top of the usual tasks I do, like pond, garden, yard work, caring for and cleaning up after five animals, biking, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, scrubbing (white) cabinets, trim, walls, doors, and floors, has kept my muscles a bit sore and my mind cluttered.

 

Even if my muscles can handle a workout at the studio, I don’t think I feel up to going. But I do feel pressure to go. I feel like I’m disappointing my mom and the studio owner every time I can’t make it to class, and that has been more often than I would like.

 

Migraines, sick kids, and kids with lice, have kept me bound to home.  After a week with the kids out of school, I have so much stuff to do. Now that the kids are in school I have time to get things done, before they get home at four-o-clock. After they get home, I will be spending the evening helping out with homework, studying, cooking, cleaning, reading to the kids and putting them to bed. My time will be up.

 

I’m back after a break. I have been cleaning up the creatures the cats brought in today, and the blood in the curtains and on the floors from the wounded bird that flew into the window with an already bloody wing. The bird ended up in the windowsill after a few chases from the cats back and forth. Just before capturing the bird, as I reached for it, the helpless little guy pooped from fright.

 

I go back to the inner-friction. Things don’t always go the way I plan, and that is fine, I can usually roll with it, but not when I already have something a mess in my head. I have realized that the friction and anger I have against these things happening is anger that is within me, and has nothing to do with ‘things’, and everything to do with self acceptance and allowance. I realize that I bent my nail back, hurt myself because I am not aware. I am in my head instead.

 

I need to speak up for myself. I need to talk to my mom and the studio owner and trainer about this issue with me not being able to meet up to their expectations. I am creating friction within me because I am not facing myself and speaking up about what it is that I feel.  I am not living as myself, my living word, instead I am only attempting to please another. But I have no responsibility on pleasing others. I can’t please everyone all the time. Things come up, they have to realize that and I have to be comfortable with myself enough to not let their disappointment get to me.

 

All these things are ideal to place blame on and not face self. Facing self is what I must do to release this friction within me. Blame will get me nowhere.

 

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will lose myself, within this implying that I am able to ‘get lost’. Thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is possible for me to ‘be lost’, within the realization that I am here, always.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect losing self to fear and thus – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing a chance at getting a job.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing a chance at getting a job’ to fear and thus – I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear losing friendship with my mom and studio owner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing my friendship with my mom and studio owner’ to fear and thus- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist as fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear of loss to be the very nature of who I am.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create from a starting point of fear of loss, instead of realizing that my creation is equal and one as me and therefore, I cannot lose my creation, because my creation is me.

 

When and as I notice myself bumping into things, hurting myself, I stop, I breathe. I realize that this is due to lack of awareness, and that I am ‘living’ in my mind, not in the physical and that I am in my mind because of this friction within me that I have face. I commit myself to face myself, face my fears, apply self-forgiveness and stand up for myself. I commit myself to not take responsibility for another’s emotions, but to take responsibility for my own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

55 – Choice

I realize that I have been playing games with my self in order to make myself believe that I have choice and complete control. I choose how far I'll discipline myself, and do just what I feel like doing, leaving out the things that seem more difficult or less fun. I've strategically chosen what to discipline myself with, and push myself only enough to get just a little of the more grueling tasks done. I've written about this while still participating in my 'choice' to not complete my writing with sf and scs, because I have judged these steps as "time consuming". Writing out the 'story line' is much more pleasurable so that is what I chose to do. I waited until I was called on to stand up and take responsibility for writing myself out completely including sf and scs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that choice exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am in control and in power over my world, because 'I make my own choices'.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that choice has never really existed, because all choices were pre-determined through what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to exist as, as a mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide behind 'free will' and 'free choice'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my power within 'free will' and 'free choice'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowinfg myself to not want to give up my 'free will' and 'free choice' - because that means I will have to be self honest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing msyelf to fear self-honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to lose everything I have and everything I have defined myself as - if I were to give up 'free will' and 'free choice'.

I forgive myself for accepting and alowing myself to want to have the right to do anything I wnat to do, without consideration for anyone else.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my family, children and myself as more important than others in this world.

When and as I begin to play mind games, believeing to choose what I desire, procrastinating on things I don't feel like doing, thinking only of self in the moment, I stop, I breath. I realize that the only 'choice' I have is to stand as the ultimate expression of myself and the realization of myself in every moment, and when I play these games with self, I am only wasting time, creating a time loop, in my process of standing as my living word. I commit myself to become the directive principle of myself in my reality.

　

54 -Importance of responsibilities

Mind games are easy to play with self, and entertaining. They are also a false 'escape route'. So as I like to think I've found an escape to responsibility, I am only fooling myself into forgetting temporarily. I am stuffing my thoughts of “what needs to be done”, (judged as grueling), back into the deep realms of my secret mind.

Interesting, mind judges thought, then mind tucks away that judged thought accordingly, in sections of 'good' verses 'bad', and attempts to do anything it takes to forget about the 'bad', all the while placing the 'good' thoughts for-front and center as to soak in celebration of them.

Just a few examples of what thought of mine might make it into the 'good' section up front:

Instant reward

Familiar

Easy to complete

Quick to complete

And a few example of the 'bad' ones I like to 'store in the basement':

Little or no instant reward

Difficult

Unfamiliar

I've learned how to temporarily escape responsibilities, but without a good outcome. Like in my last post I mentioned depression from avoidance of responsibilities. These thoughts listed above are cluttering my head, making my shoulders heavy and heart pressed. They are thoughts, judgments, not action, not living.

The 'bad' ones are waiting for direction. Just sitting in my head. I need to face them as I face the 'good' ones, take responsibility, take action. Then I will be living my word, living in discipline, and realizing the importance of responsibilities.

I know how to do this as I have done it many times before. I think, I entertain myself, allowing myself to play these games until it becomes no more fun as I sink into the depression of in-action.

53 – Truth and Lies.......to self

Part One: Avoidance

It can be easy to lie to myself. If I want to avoid homework, I make myself focus on something else, something I know will catch my attention and keep things exciting. I'll think of how good I could look in a bikini on the beach this summer, only if I can get those 'six pack abs'. Then I go on a bike ride and do some planks. When I'm focused on gaining a hard body and feeling strong and free at the beach, I forget, momentarily, about my homework and I have 'freedom' from dread.

I'm avoiding the emotion of dread. Holding it back, burying it beneath my daydreams. I'm not facing it. I need to face it, and dig it out of me. I need to take responsibility instead of play these games.

Part Two: Depression

(part 2 written about 6 days after part 1)

For the past week I avoided what needed to be done and chose to do the things I considered to bring me

instant gratification. I pulled off the wallpaper border and painted the boys' bathroom. It was a lot of work that took me a few days to complete, but I still consider it 'instant gratification'. I wanted to give my boys something they would appreciate, especially since they have to clean their own bathroom. I figured they would be more happy about cleaning a room that they like. Because it took so much of my time, and because I was creating something for my kids, I told myself I needed to do that before anything else, including homework and studying.

I feel like I did this somewhat on purpose as a 'test' to my self and my last post about keeping up with things that need to be done. Well I was definitely right about that one! I haven't written or studied in a few days and I am beginning to feel depressed.

I felt so alive when I was being true to myself. Alive. Interesting.... I was living when I did the things I knew needed to be done. Now that I have been dishonest with myself, fooling myself into thinking that I don't need to do certain other things that I have defined as 'boring', and avoiding my responsibilities, I feel like I'm no longer living. My self is somewhere in here, shouting out “listen to me”, yet I'm ignoring me, while telling myself lies about the importance of my responsibilities.

To be continued...

52 – Writing self out

The Challenge

More than ten yrs ago, when I competed in the “Body for Life” challenge, I learned self control by writing down the steps I planned to take each day to reach my goals. Every night I wrote down what I planned on eating the next day, including the portion of each food, and I wrote down what I actually ate that day. Writing out what I was planning on eating the next day and then writing again the next evening what I actually ate helped me to stay true to myself. No 'sneaking' chocolate or junk food because everything would be written down as a statement saying how true to myself I was.

Funny how the mind can play tricks when we allow it. It took me writing everything down to stop me from allowing my self to play tricks on myself. It took me standing up and taking responsibility.

What I put in my mouth wasn't the only thing I recorded. How and how much I 'move' my body was recorded as well. I wanted to be stronger and leaner, so I made a commitment to myself. I would build muscle by lifting weights three days a week and burn calories with those muscles going for a 30 minute jog three days a week. I wrote everything down. Everything.

By the end of the three month challenge, my body was lean and strong and my mind was quick. I felt amazing physically and mentally and respected myself since I followed what I had planned and reached my goals. I learned to take control of my actions by being honest with myself. I learned self honesty by writing everything down and acting on what I committed myself to do. Doing household chores became easy since I was stronger. I began speaking more fluently than before the challenge, with descriptive words and my memory was sharp. I had changed my body and mind, I had taken control of myself and I was reaping the rewards. And this was all due to writing self out.