48 – Working in Haste

I have little patience while working to get things done and feel the need to use every moment of my time to focus only on this. A strong urge to get started on my work and to complete it with no interruptions plagues me. If there are any interruptions that might slow me down from one task, disappointment sets in and I will usually move on to something else that needs to be done so I don't feel I'm 'wasting time'. I tell myself, “I will get back to this interruption and solve the issue when I have more time.”

One example is my journey to life blog. I already had a blog I had been writing in and also wrote on the Desteni forum. I felt that it was a waste of my time to set up a new blog just for the sake of naming it differently, so I procrastinated with the set up, and chose to continue writing on the forum instead. It took me a few months and some encouragement from my buddy before I decided to set up my Journey to Life blog.

Two more examples are my 'failed' attempts to log onto the leadership forum and the Journey to Life ratings. I have tried to retrieve my 'lost' password to the leadership forum because the one that I was using no longer worked, but I still have no new password, or any idea of how to get one. Recently when I attempted to register my JTL blog in the ratings, somehow the password I entered, even though it was new, as I was just singing up, was not working. When I requested a 'forgotten password' to be sent to my email, I received no reply, not even in spam. I was 'wasting time', doing things that got me nowhere, so I told myself, “I'll do it later”, with the thought that I PROBABLY will do it later, MUCH later.

These things that aren't working for me are slowing me down from my daily tasks that I so desire to complete in a timely manner. I get frustrated with trying to figure something out that takes much longer than expected when I can accomplish so much doing what I know.

I feel 'rushed' to complete my task at hand and frustrated with anything that slows me down. I'm allowing my emotions to be controlled by circumstances. It's hard for me to do only 'half a task' as I feel the need to do it all....NOW! Fear of loss of valuable time is embedded in my mind! So I will continue on with writing, self forgiveness and self corrective application to realize where this fear has originated and to disable it.

48 – Why I labeled myself – 5

I became jealous when my mom bragged about how good a singer someone else was, when not saying anything about me. I've gotten over that, it doesn't bother me anymore because I feel I have a good relationship with my mom and I feel like she appreciated me fro me. I still become jealous when my partner admires a woman singer he hears on the radio. I want to be the one he admires, I feel threatened that this other woman is taking away 'my specialty'.

Jealousy- jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage itself.

-mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.

-vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.

-a jealous feeling, disposition, state, or mood.

dictionary.reference.com

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be and become jealous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from others through comparing myself to them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to other people.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in comparison to other people as 'more than' or 'less than' them.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the polarity design of 'inferiority' and 'superiority'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing 'inferiority' to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'inferiority' exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing 'superiority' to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that 'superiority' exists.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel threatened by beings that I see as 'superior' to me, therefore using nastiness, spite, and gossip to exalt myself as ego above the other being within my mind – so that I can feel like I have 'won' and the other being 'lost'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and destroy whoever I am jealous about – through nastiness, spite and gossip.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe my own judgments – instead of realizing that in jealousy lies an opportunity for me to assist and support myself in learning from the person I am 'jealous' about – so that I equalize myself with this being.

When and as I feel jealous, I stop, I breathe. I realize that jealousy arises from comparison and self judgment and these are only in the polarity construct of the mind, which perpetuates separation. I commit myself, instead of feeling spite for the person I am jealous of, to focus on living and expressing myself as what I am comparing myself to in another being.

 

47 – Why I Labeled Myself a 'Singer' – 4

Beauty! “Such a beautiful singer!”

There is no 'beauty' without 'ugly', therefore it is only in comparison and judgment in the mind that beauty exists, in the polarity manifestation of 'beauty' vs. 'ugly'. Desire to find acceptance (in this case by means of being beautiful to others), stems from, comparison, self judgment and a lack of self acceptance.

Beauty – the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations 9as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern, or something else as a personality in which high spiritual qualities are manifest.

dictionary.reference.com

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to define beauty according to how well I sing

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to desire to be a beautiful singer.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to wish to be as beautiful a singer, as some of the popular ones on the radio.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accepted myself – and the only way I would accept myself is if I am a beautiful singer.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to love myself – and because I do not love myself I will attempt to be a beautiful singer in order to be in a relationship, to be loved.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the construct and belief of having to be loved, instead of me loving myself as who I am.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to sing to sound better than other women.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to other women.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as who I am, and because I judge myself, I would attempt to be the most beautiful singer to hide the judgment of me that exists within me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to hide myself behind my 'talent' in singing.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to consider accepting myself.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to consider loving myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to think that I am not beautiful enough, and that I'm required to have a 'special talent' to 'fit in' with society and all the other women.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to attempt to be the most beautiful singer because of the singers I see and hear on TV. and the radio that look and sound so beautiful, I also want look and sound like them so I practice at sounding just like them.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am boring and plain without having a 'special talent' and 'not acceptable' without having a 'special talent', that I have to work hard at sounding just like the famous singers.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to want to sing beautifully to be noticed.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to use my voice as an 'antenna' for me to say, “I am here. Look, listen to my beautiful voice, I have to be in a relationship, I don't accept myself, I don't love myself. I can only accept myself if I am in a relationship and when I get attention from others who think I sing beautifully”. I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that in attempting to be a beautiful singer to others for reasons and purposes separate than me: that is of the mind, I actually become older, less attractive much faster.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept my human physical body and my voice as one with me.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my human physical body and my voice.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that my human physical body and my voice might actually be showing me /telling me something when I have less control and more scratchiness in my singing – and that I'm actually able to 'correct' this through self -forgiveness and self application in every moment, so that my human physical body and my voice as me may express me as who I am within and as oneness and equality of life.

When and as I feel the need to have a special talent to sing beautifully to impress others, I stop, I breathe. I realize within breath, and bringing self back here, out of my mind of judgment and separation and into the physical, that I am equal to and one with all life and that this comparison I hold between myself and others is a statement of me not accepting myself as who I am. It is a statement that I am searching for acceptance from others by attempting to seem better than others. I commit myself to find acceptance within self, by writing about what self doesn't accept, and standing up within self to change what self doesn't accept.

46 – why I labeled myself – 3

I felt the need to identify myself as a 'singer' because I desired to be in a relationship.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my partner (whom I desire to stay in relationship) through accepting and allowing myself to define my love and acceptance within my partner, outside and separate from myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to search for myself outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I've 'lost' myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that I've able to find myself outside of myself – instead of realizing and accepting that: I am here.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to follow my desires.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to blindly follow my desires, believing that these desires are who I am and that it is in my benefit to now act on my desires – when actually desires are merely sexual energy that was transferred into my mind and that such desires exist to distract me from myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from everything and everyone that exists.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself as equal and one as all as everything that exists.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to see myself as 'less than'/ 'inferior' to others.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I desire something, it is because I believe that that which I desire can 'give me' something, as thought that something is not already who I am.

I forgive myself for not accepting myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts that 'I am not complete without a partner'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to be in a relationship with someone in order for me to be complete and satisfied with myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that if I am in a relationship, I am still here and I am still me and nothing has actually changed in relation to 'who I am'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to have a sexual orgasmic experience in order for me to be complete and satisfied with myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that an orgasmic experience only lasts for a moment and then I am back to being with myself and that 'who I am' has not actually changed – therefore, the organic experience did not actually complete me, fulfill or satisfy me.

When and as I feel the need to label myself as 'something special', as a 'singer', so that I can be admirable to others and to be/stay in a relationship, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am here as equal to one and to all that is here in focusing on breathing and self awareness. I realize that I do not require support, love and appreciation from being in a relationship. I can find self appreciation and self love through supporting myself. I commit myself to support myself by listening to myself, my emotions, by writing out my thoughts, feelings and emotions and forgiving myself for whatever I do that is not best for myself and for all, and making a change that I and all life can appreciate.

45 – Why I labeled myself - 2

I not only desired to prove myself to my family, but I also desired to prove I am someone to myself. I feared the loss of myself if I could not define myself.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will lose myself, within this I am able to get 'lost'. Thus I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is possible for me to 'be lost', within the realization that I am here, always.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'losing myself' to fear and thus - fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to lose my identity.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'losing my identity' to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear 'losing my talent'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'losing my talent' to fear, and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to lose my creation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing 'losing my creation' to fear and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to exist as fear of loss.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing fear of loss to be the very nature of who I am.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to create from a starting point of fear of loss, instead of realizing that my creation is equal and one as me and therefore, I cannot lose my creation, because my creation is me.

When and as I fear the loss of myself, my identity, my talent, my creation, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I cannot lose myself because any definition of who I am is only judgment, and a separation from all life. I realize that as judgment, identity, and definition of who I am disappears, I am still here, the being behind the label, equal and one as life only as I live through breath and not within my mind. I commit myself to continue discovering who I am behind the labels I have for so long accepted and allowed and even depended on through fear.

44-Why I Labeled Myself “A Singer”

Here are some reasons why I felt the need to be someone with a special talent and label myself a singer:

1. fear in relation to family

2. fear of loss

3. desire (to be in a relationship)

4. beauty

5. jealousy

First, I had fear in relation to family. I wanted desperately to prove myself to my parents, that I am someone they can love and be proud of, not someone they are ashamed of. So I searched for something I was good at, and became it.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'my family' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'my parents' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that my parents do not love me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'my parents not loving me' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear that my parents will judge me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'my parents judging me' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be afraid when my parents yell at me.

I forgiver myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'my parent's yelling at me' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to be afraid when my parents are angry at me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'my parents being angry with me' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I've accepted and allowed myself to disappoint my parents.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'disappointing my parents' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for that I've accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents not appreciating me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect 'my parents not appreciating me' to fear – and thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

To be continued..

43-This is who I am

I am a 'singer'. I began as a child, singing my own made-up songs. In Middle school I joined the choir, and discovered my voice is a soprano. I stayed in choir all through middle, Jr. high, and as a freshman in high school, I auditioned for advanced choir and got in as a soprano. Our advanced choir was invited to sing at Carnegie Hall in New York that year, but I lost my chance at that life-time opportunity because I was kicked down to intermediate choir due to a 'no freshman in advanced choir' rule.

I was furious I missed out, and bummed out that I was 'stuck' in the intermediate choir, which was much less disciplined than I preferred. I was pissed that they came up with that rule months after I had been singing in advanced, especially since I auditioned for it and 'earned' my way in, but now that I think about it, maybe they made that rule because they didn't want the responsibility of any freshmen going to New York.

In all these years in a choir, singing, I labeled myself as 'a singer'. That was what I was good at, so that is what I wanted to be known as. I wanted to prove not only to myself that I can be really good at something, but I want to prove it to my parents as well. I felt the need to be the number one singer in my parent's eyes. It went to so far that I would get jealous whenever they would brag about another female singer with a beautiful voice.“What about me?” I thought, “I'm good!”

When my boyfriend at the time or even current husband would tell me about how much he liked a certain female singer, I would feel threatened. That is supposed to be MY specialty, that is what makes me important, worthwhile. I would take it as they didn't think I was any good, or that I was just okay, while these other singers were astonishing. I wanted to be the one to cast a spell over my man with my lovely voice, not some other woman! Dang, she's all up in my game, and that's not cool!

Singing was the one thing that made me proud of myself. I auditioned for the only soprano 1 spot in Madrigals and won. I auditioned for a solo in advanced choir recital and won. Singing was my forte. It was what raised my self esteem. It was what would keep people interested in me. I am a singer, this is who I am!

Years later, as I grew older, my larynx became damaged from silent gastro-intestional reflux. As I realized within the past few years that I don't have the same control over my voice as I used to I also realized I am losing my one talent that made me special. I went through a grieving phase at this loss of self. During this phase of grieving, I really felt hurt, and vulnerable whenever someone would tell me about how beautiful some other chic sings. What am I now?

I have used singing as a crutch for my self esteem all these years. Now my crutch is gone, and I'm a limping cripple. I have no specialty to keep people interested in me. I have nothing better to give to my husband or my parents, to make them proud. I am no longer “a singer”, even though I still sing on a daily basis. I don't expect anyone to be in awe with my singing, since I am only mediocre now. People can no longer judge me as the great singer. I have lost that. Now it is just me, without special talent, standing as self, as no better than others, but as equal to others.

Recently when my mom brought up a beautiful singer she heard on “The Voice”, I didn't feel jealous. I am not exactly sure what has changed, maybe I've accepted that fact that I can no longer sing so beautifully, that that dream is dead. Maybe I feel my mom accepts me for who I am since we've been spending so much time together lately. But I still get a little jealous when my husband plays the same Lorde songs over and over as he marvels at her beautiful voice and cool music. That can now never be me. I think being the one to 'woo' my man is sexy, and makes me feel more self assured in intimacy, now he's being 'woo-d' by some other woman.

It is in nature's program to attract the other mate with beauty whether it be sight, smell or sound. Peacocks spread their colorful feathers to attract the peahens. Fire-flies attract mates with their flashing lights. Cardinals sing songs back and forth to each other while perched on different branches. It is all in the desire to be the 'special one' that the other chooses to be with.

So as I let go of this label, as a singer, I let go of competition and separation from others. I am not above anyone. I now strive to realize myself as equal to and one with all life, and that means no more labels and no more comparison. I have to appreciate and accept self as I am equal to others, not as I feel the need to be better. For the need to be better arises from the feeling of not being good enough. I am focusing on removing myself from this polarity of the mind.